Is this feeling new or have you had it a long time?
The reason i ask is that i've felt like this for as long as i can remember. Even when i haven't been thinking about my demise and i've been in better positions. All it takes is a speeding car to approach me for me to want to throw myself in front of it and realise i'm clearly not as "okay" as i assumed i was.
Like yourself the only reason i haven't acted on this impulse is i don't want my demise to negatively impact others. i hate the thought of giving a train driver ptsd or a driver and/or passengers injuries due my death wish.
I've felt suicidal for years episodically. When I'm not feeling impulsive I always have it passively at the back of my head which gets exhausting.
Yeah, the idea that a bus/train driver could get ptsd because of me, or even that someone could be late to work is not something i want, or the divers if i jump into a river. I mean, dying is already going to hurt my family and friends, no reason to impose it on strangers too yk?
I hear you.
I'm having a lot of impulsive thoughts of suicide this week. What's holding me back are not having made any arrangements for my dog and not wanting to traumatise or inconvenience anyone else, not to mention the old adage about piss poor planning etc. I just keep imagining the inevitable "but why?" comments on here - not to mention what I would say to anyone asking if it was a good idea - and they they help me resist the urge. So far, anyway.
Hope you feel better soon, truly. This week has been very hard for me too, gotta be an astrology thing lol.
The arrangements thing is so real tho, I've no will or letters to leave, and there's skeletons I'd like to bury simply because I'm selfish and don't want to hurt the people who love me more by "ruining" my image in their heads by doing things they don't approve of.
