ctb tomorrow

[cait_sith]

This is the follow up to this thread https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...of-my-retarded-stupidity.178351/#post-2668467 if you are interested how I made myself not seek treatment for 5 days despite having strong symptoms of eye infection (kreatitis) after I misinterpreted my doctors words and behaviour. This last thread was mainly of the effect of becoming blind on the affected eye and the likelihood of it staying this way, but after 3 weeks of treatment in the eye-clinic my ability to see has become of minor concern as the pain and the torture of the treatment of said infection of the cornea, very likely fungal, is the last straw for me. Since three weeks I have to get eye drops multiple times an hour, in the first weeks even during night. since 10 days they started scraping parts of eye off to make the drops reach better which is very painful, the eye always tears. Every night I get horrible headaches radiating from the eye. Why did I have to get a decease based on repetitious painful intervention, after 3 weeks of this i am at my limit, there was improvement, but suddenly the improvement was gone, I cannot take this treatment anymore, especially considering that I did this to myself. There is no way my cornea won't be completely scarred if the infection ever heals. Many might say that 3 weeks is too early but I haven't been a fan of life before and it's really horrible how life seems to want prove all my fears right , the victory against this disease is not that attractive to me as I know I will be even more of a mess than I was before, scarred of getting ill again etc. I had everything given to me by luck and I have destroyed myself because I'm dumb. I know already it willneber be ok because this always happened with medical things in my family. I will hang myself tomorrow when I get to go home for 2 hours, I will hang myself from the door full suspension. I don't think I will have time and energy to make a thread tomorrow so I do one now. Bye, I really liked this forum, thank you.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish you all the best and good luck! I hope you find peace!

 

[Someplace_nice]

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain, I hope you can find your peace, good luck my friend.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering, I hope that you find peace.

 

[nir]

God, I'm so sorry. I hope you can find it in you to forgive yourself - you didn't know.

 

[pedrbel8805]

I'm so sorry, ,y best wishes for you

 

[pariah80]

May you find peace in the loving arms of the Eternal.

 

[cait_sith]

I couldn't do it, felt guilty for staff that let me go home and called taxi for me, got caught in si. Felt too rushed. Now I'm back at hospital. I feel like I need to be on my own time and space to properly do this but with this infection I will only get small chunks of time. I had pain when I made this thread sorry

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome back! Don't be too hard to yourself. As difficult as it is - give it more time, as much time as you need.

 

[Davey40210]

Its ok OP, you do whatever is best. I wish you the best whatever your decision.

 

[JR_Timm]

Dont be sorry, its great to have You back.

 

[CatLove56]

jesus man I'm sorry for your shit luck. I'm sure you were a kind person who didn't deserve any of that. I hope you're at peace with your decision and go out quickly. *hugs*

I couldn't do it, felt guilty for staff that let me go home and called taxi for me, got caught in si. Felt too rushed. Now I'm back at hospital. I feel like I need to be on my own time and space to properly do this but with this infection I will only get small chunks of time. I had pain when I made this thread sorry

You have nothing to apologize for. I'm happy you're still here man :)

 

[pariah80]

I couldn't do it, felt guilty for staff that let me go home and called taxi for me, got caught in si. Felt too rushed. Now I'm back at hospital. I feel like I need to be on my own time and space to properly do this but with this infection I will only get small chunks of time. I had pain when I made this thread sorry

That's okay. I've back out several times now. I'm still going to do it, but it has to be the right moment. Or as right as I can make it. Don't beat yourself up. Don't feel bad. If ctb is something you're set on doing, take time, relax, regain your senses, and start over. If you're not sure anymore, then don't ignore that. Get clarity with yourself and what you want. There's nothing wrong with backing out.