Venting Ctb this weekend

[GT Darkarage]

It has been too much. This year was more than I can handle.

I have been in therapy and taking meds. I thought letting go the antidepressants was a good idea but it didn't.

I'm actually sitting at a park near my residential. It is in the middle of a little forest I used to play in with my friends when I was a child.

I'm watching the birds, the trees. I wish I was one of them. They born, they live and once they die no one notices it. It is a good life. They just follow their nature.

I don't want to return to home yet. I hate being trapped in my room. But I will have to. I don't have an easy method. My chosen one is psh. God I wish I could just disappear.

Why nature is so comfortable. In other times if you were suicidal you would just go and jump off from a cliff or eat venous plant. Die in the middle of nowhere and maybe no one would find you.

But this is not the case. Now we even do to much more harm to our families by staying at home, at a hotel.

This are the risks of our time.

I have been suicidal since I have memory. Depressed just from a decade ago (maybe if not since I was a kid).

I don't have access to heavy drugs. Yes I have friends that are drug addicts but they for any reason are functional. I'm not.

I will wait till weekend as this week has been another story. An uncle died too.

My family will loose a son too. An uncle, a brother. I hope my parents will resist. I hope they lie for a moment and pretend I died from a disease. If not, that my brothers that are normal, can take care of them.

I hope they can blame me, hate me for what I'm about to do.

I can't pretend I don't care but I do. Yes they damaged me at some point. But it was not their fault. The were not aware of what this illness can do. I really want to cry, I wish I could blame some else but no.

It is me, I'm born broken.
I enjoyed a few things in life but now it is not worthy anymore.

I never thought this time would come. But the main fact is that. I don't really want to try anymore.

I'm like a injured animal. I just want to lay down until death comes. It is ok. It happens all the time.

I wish people understand this feeling. Not for bad. Just because it is real...

 

[purrpetrator]

I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you. I know you said you love nature - please take all the time in the world to just go outside and enjoy the scenery and beauties of life before you go. The sunlight hitting your skin, the birds chirping, the smell of the dew, maybe even playing your favorite music while you explore. Take care my friend. Looks like we will be leaving this Earth around the same time. I don't know what you believe in, but may we see eachother on the other side.

 

[GT Darkarage]

I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you. I know you said you love nature - please take all the time in the world to just go outside and enjoy the scenery and beauties of life before you go. The sunlight hitting your skin, the birds chirping, the smell of the dew, maybe even playing your favorite music while you explore. Take care my friend. Looks like we will be leaving this Earth around the same time. I don't know what you believe in, but may we see eachother on the other side.

I hope so, let's meet each other in the afterlife. I'm not exactly a believer but I hope what's after this life is at least a bit better. That's why I prefer to go without hate and any resentment.

Thanks for your words. They comfort me a little bit. Hope you find peace too.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Safe travels to the other side.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering.

 

[darksouls]

I am very sorry for your suffering,
however you decide,
I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you desire

 

[GT Darkarage]

Thanks everyone.
I know this may sound stupid.
But I think, I can achieve a way to ctb more peacefully - not sure if it will workout yet.

But if it does. Then I prefer to wait two weeks to get out this life more peacefully. It is worthy.

@purrpetrator thanks for your words. Hope on whatever you decided, I wish you the best. Is not that I'm not decided.

But I wish I also had an opioid or something to overdose with as you gonna do / did...

And that's what I will seek.

Hope you the best and even without knowing you, thanks. I still would like to see you on the other side. No matter the time it takes.

Finally sorry to everyone. I'm decided but it's just a matter of time.

 

[purrpetrator]

Nothing wrong with waiting, comrade. Like you said, it is worth it to stick it out a bit longer in hopes of finding a better, more peaceful method to CTB if you have made up your mind.

One thing I might add: if you do get your hands on a lethal opioid, take a few benzodiazepines. They will help so much with any anxiety. Best of luck to you, and to us. Let's have us a cup of tea in the afterlife, haha.