Story cruel fate and the noise

[endboss]

Hey, I am new here, been lurking for some time. I wanted to share my story. I have constantly worsening catastrophic tinnitus from benzos and antipsychotics, meds that I can't quit. I am suffering every day and have been for 6 years now, 3 of them with benzos that initially helped me for a short while, but then made me an addict and fried my brain and hearing system, without hope of it ever getting better again. I'm finished. I've done my research, I think. I don't know if this is interesting or not, but I'll just type away and put it out there.
I already had a lot on my plate with severe tinnitus and schizophrenia with depression when it began, but with benzos I got a monstrous addiction problem on top of everything that over time made my tinnitus a hundred times worse that what I started with. Now I struggle every hour of every day with this hellish noise and the anxiety and emotional suffering that comes with it.
I've always wanted to stay strong for my sister and family and I kind of managed to for years despite my pain, but I can't do it anymore. I have no fight left in me and I think it shows. My family never see me leaving my room, never going outside for a walk, hardly ever join them for dinner or a round of cards. I can't, because it's gotten so hard to 'play normal' and my anxiety ramps up when people talk or even laugh around me, because it can make the noises in my head permanently worse even at low levels. It's insane, I know. That is what benzos and antipsychotics can do to your hearing system. I also can't open up to my family anymore, because I want to protect them from the truth - that I am broken beyond repair and there is no hope anymore and that I want nothing more than this insanity to stop forever.
I know I am dying from this and the cruelty of it is that that I am losing despite all my tears and struggles. I don't want to leave my family behind like this, but I am driven by the dark uncontrollable forces in my head and the insane noise that consumes everything. My condition forces this on me every day, to think about death and suicide, to plan it and to fear it. All this makes me so desperate and sad and so alone.
The benzos helped with my tinnitus for a while and that is why I ignored all warning signs and became addicted fast. I regret it everyday and hate myself deeply for it. If I made one mistake in my life, this was it. Despite all my problems, I would have managed somehow I think. Its the benzos that put me on a road of no return. A place where noone can help you when it comes combined with antipsychotics and catastrophic tinnitus. It's a drug only the devil himself could have come up with. I tried to taper it, but that only made the noises worse faster and I ended up in psychiatry for a year.
I have survived 6 years altogether of this hell, hoping my system would eventually stabilize or that i can find a doctor or specialist, anyone who can help me but there are none for my case. I've tried everything I think.
The overwhelming majority of people with bad tinnitus learn to deal with it eventually. Some doctors prescribe benzos for bad tinnitus and people stay on them or quit them eventually without huge problems. Why not me? I was already broken. How can such a thing happen to me? How can this be even real? I never hurt anyone in my life. Why? Why something so cruel?
I've been schizo for like 20 years and it took a lot from me, I couldn't really work or have a girlfriend, but I had this little life before tinnitus and benzos where i wasn't suffering every day. I worked on my music, met with friends, enjoyed the company of my family when I could or watched Netflix. Now I'm either doomscrolling chatbots about how fucked I am or research how to best put an end to my life. With how fast I am getting worse now, finding a way out or an exit feels increasingly urgent. I must find a way out of this hell and that is why I am here. I think my best option right now is to hang. I have the rope with the knot and a tree in the woods nearby, but I am still too scared. What if I don't pass out quickly enough?

 

[inpainnosleep]

While I genuinely hope you choose life (I know people around here get mad when someone says this) I relate to your story so much. I am so sorry about your schizophrenia and tinnitus. There's nothing worse then something you want to get rid of so badly and it just won't leave. I also can't stand noises or sleep through them. I also made the mistake of using black market THC (which I convinced myself was from a legitimite source) to treat my anxiety, depression and insomnia for 5 years, and I just genuinely liked how it felt. I've also been on benzos for a long time as well. The last time I got back to THC, something happened to my nervous system. I began to sweat all the time, then when I stopped using THC all of my meds including Clonazepam started to make me anxious. I already had autism, truly horrible OCD (which was so bad I kept getting diagnosed with schizophrenia for years), horrible anxiety, CPTSD, BPD, depression and chronic migraines. It was so much to live with. But I still had a life and could enjoy things until 5 years of THC abuse ruined my nervous system. Now I have parasthesia which is usually caused by any med I take, bfs, and worst of all constant myocolonus which does not let me sleep because it jolts me out of sleep every time I transition. What's the point of living if you can't sleep? I'm also in benzos withdrawal right now cause I was using extra cause it helps with myocolonus, but now I ran out of extra and in withdrawal. After years of depression, I finally had a nice little life carved out for a year. My own apartment, and a platonic partner that lived in the same complex. I know I did this to myself, but why must everything be so cruel? I've had to move back in with my parents at 41 and my mother screams all day. I do not leave my room, go outside, stopped all my activities, stopped talking to friends, and also spend all my time on how to ctb. I am no longer capable of dealing with this hell. I'm also afraid that my psych team is going to force my into a psychiatric ward or a partial program right now because of how alarmed they have been or they'll stop prescribing. I won't have the energy for a partial program due to lack of sleep. Please know you are not alone, and I connected with your post so much.

 

[endboss]

Thank you truly for your reply. My english can be a bit clumsy, and I can't concentrate at all atm, but I wanted to say that I can also relate with your story and suffering. My mother doesn't scream but she loves to argue and is never happy with me and I, too miss my little life where I had my own flat. You have been through hell not just once to say the least. I admire you for the strength it must have taken for you to get through all this. It's unbelievable how much fate or god makes only a few of us carry. It's not right. Not being able to sleep was one reason why I started taking benzos daily. Now I think Benzos should not be allowed to be prescribed out of clinic setting. One out of four people who get it prescribed end up addicted. Even the small dosages can do a ton of damage over time especially if your sensible to it.
Today is especially hellish for me, because last night the firealarm went off for no reason. It was extremely loud and now I've got a new severe tinnitus flare up. My entire head is screaming like never before. It comes with so much mental anguish. I thought the house was on fire and I ran towards the noise without hearing protection. I need hearing protection even for louder conversations. It was a nightmare and my entire body was shaking from anxiety and horror. I couldn't switch it off so I screamed for my mother. It has 100% done tons of new damage. I have not understood it fully yet what it means for my life and my hearing health. I am in shock and I'm suicidal. I don't get why tf does this always happen to me? Why does a firealarm go off on accident one in a place with someone with hearing as damaged as mine. I feel sick to my stomach. I can't calm down. This can't be real. I feel like the devil's plaything. There is too much of this evil stuff happening to me to be just happenstance. I just printed the suicide notes. I am desperate and I want to escape this pain and fast. I don't even care if I ctb at home or not. Psychiatric ward is not an option.

 

[inpainnosleep]

I'm so sorry about the fire alarm and what you are going through. I agree that certain people are tasked with things that they cannot carry, and they are usually tasked again and again while other people get to live normally. I completely understand feeling cursed because of something not letting you sleep. I feel cursed as well. Every time things get a little better, they always become horrible about a year later. This is the worst it has been/ I wasn't able to live in my last two apartments because of noise. First apartment had a house noise that I couldn't sleep through that came from the underground. Second apartment, after a year of silence my neighbor started pacing back and forth and slamming cabinets between 11 pm and 4 am, not letting me sleep, often on purpose. I tried reasoning with her, but it always made things worse, and I tried working with the housing department but they didn't do anything. I finally had a good apartment, and after years of loneliness and a partner, and it all got shot to hell because I decided to go back to using THC, which did something to my nervous system. I also think about escaping this pain all the time, and I constantly feel bad because I could have had an ok life, even with all the other mental issues I was dealing with. I have actually been on benzos for almost 20 years, and I think if I didn't go off of benzo cold turkey this wouldn't have happened. Right now I'm in major benzo withdrawl and worst of all I have akhatisia (extreme inner restlessness and desire to move) with it and I'm afraid that it's forever. I had a lot of benzos left over, and they did a good job at treating my myocolonus at a higher dose, but nobody is willing to prescribe benzos, and I'm in major withdrawal + akhatisia on a lower dose. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm not even a person anymore. Before this, I used to socialize with friends, do my own shopping, cook, leave the house, would look forward to certain things. Now there's no way of fixing this. I spend all day sitting in my bed at my parent's at 41. People always thought I was in college or something despite my age, but I aged like 20 years during the time that I have been suffering. I honestly didn't realize I would be in benzo withdrawal as well even when I wrote my message. So now I won't get to sleep due to benzo withdrawal, akhatisia and myocolonus. I am at the end of my rope. All the people that I have been closest to have died either due to addiction or old age and I don't understand why they won't take me.

 

[Lazuli]

While I don't have tinnitus, I can absolutely relate to your hate for noise. There's a huge padel venue built 10 meters away from my house since last October. They open 6am till 1am. All sorts of noises bleed into my house: hourly announcement via horn speaker, players' barbaric shouting, ball hit by racket. It drives me over the edge.

 

[annointed_towers]

I'm too tired to reply or write but I relate a lot. I also have tinnitus and also horrible nerve pain I got from self neglect that is not treatable. I never leave my room and my mom takes care of me but we have nothing to say to each other. She can't believe this happened. She is also very religious and believes in prayer and mercy and God, she trusts therapists and doctors and meds and I do not.

I related to that questioning — how is this even real? How can this happen? I never hurt anyone.