_sinner_
New Member
- Jul 25, 2025
- 4
Very rarely am I truly sure of anything. At this point I am very sure that I want and in fact need to die. I'm an asshole, I'm selfish, a pretty big burden overall. I know that. But I guess I'm still afraid to take that step, or maybe the obstacles are enough to keep me away for a little bit, I don't know. I just need to go. I want to go.
I know when I do go I'll leave here - moved back home about a month ago from my friend and her parents' place. Long story short her dad's a bit of a creep. I live back here with my grandparents, my 2 sisters and my dad. My youngest sister is 11 and I don't think she needs to see me dead (as in my corpse). My grandma has dementia so bad at this point, and while she on/off remembers me, I don't need people telling her I'm dead and her having to relive that every time. I worked in a nursing home for like 4 1/2 months, where they'd have to hear their loved ones, be it partners or kids or their parents, whatever, it fucked them up, I think. It's something I've been thinking about for a few days.
Pretty conflicted at what I'm going to do as to how I'm going to go - I have very little money so it's a bit hard to buy certain things, and some of the stuff I've read at least on here can be pretty hard to find. I'm also dumb as hell and don't know where to look or what to look for, or even what to ask. Super cool, I know. I know for sure my dad has at least a gun because he goes hunting, but he has at least one hand gun as well, unless he got rid of it. I'd really rather not, but I might not have any other choice. There are pills but they're my grandparents' since their health has been shit and wouldn't want to take from them. I don't know what they'd do anyway. I'm sure this all sounds like I'm not genuine or whatever but truly I'm just an idiot and not sure how to go about anything. Admittedly a lot of times I'm so out of it I'm not even motivated to find out.
But something needs to happen, no one gives a shit anyway, nor does anyone that has at some point known where my head's at ever taken me seriously, because I have never even attempted. And sure, I get that. And I get that I deserve this shit hole I'm in because I'm a pos, and it'd be better off if I went. I think I was mildly useful at some point, like I can take care of my sister who's severely disabled better than some, I could mediate, I could be the sound one when my mom needed me to be. She won't talk to me right now because apparently my entire savings wasn't enough for her and I don't know whether it's ok to be aggravated or not. I've been so aggravated at everything lately and I don't know why, but I feel bad about it. I really do. I do my best to just stay away from everyone, so I don't lash out. Like I'm trying.
Why am I even still alive after this mess I've made for myself? Why do I say here that I want to go and yet have never even tried? I think I tried once when I was 14 but I spit the pills out. They wouldn't have done anything anyway, at least I'm pretty sure. No one knows about it and it doesn't even matter now.
I just feel as though I'm just trudging to the end, if that makes sense. Like I've already fucked up enough and I can't really dig myself out of the hole, only way I can go is down. And I'm just... waiting for that inevitable end, I guess.
Probably sound super braindead so sorry about that lol
I know when I do go I'll leave here - moved back home about a month ago from my friend and her parents' place. Long story short her dad's a bit of a creep. I live back here with my grandparents, my 2 sisters and my dad. My youngest sister is 11 and I don't think she needs to see me dead (as in my corpse). My grandma has dementia so bad at this point, and while she on/off remembers me, I don't need people telling her I'm dead and her having to relive that every time. I worked in a nursing home for like 4 1/2 months, where they'd have to hear their loved ones, be it partners or kids or their parents, whatever, it fucked them up, I think. It's something I've been thinking about for a few days.
Pretty conflicted at what I'm going to do as to how I'm going to go - I have very little money so it's a bit hard to buy certain things, and some of the stuff I've read at least on here can be pretty hard to find. I'm also dumb as hell and don't know where to look or what to look for, or even what to ask. Super cool, I know. I know for sure my dad has at least a gun because he goes hunting, but he has at least one hand gun as well, unless he got rid of it. I'd really rather not, but I might not have any other choice. There are pills but they're my grandparents' since their health has been shit and wouldn't want to take from them. I don't know what they'd do anyway. I'm sure this all sounds like I'm not genuine or whatever but truly I'm just an idiot and not sure how to go about anything. Admittedly a lot of times I'm so out of it I'm not even motivated to find out.
But something needs to happen, no one gives a shit anyway, nor does anyone that has at some point known where my head's at ever taken me seriously, because I have never even attempted. And sure, I get that. And I get that I deserve this shit hole I'm in because I'm a pos, and it'd be better off if I went. I think I was mildly useful at some point, like I can take care of my sister who's severely disabled better than some, I could mediate, I could be the sound one when my mom needed me to be. She won't talk to me right now because apparently my entire savings wasn't enough for her and I don't know whether it's ok to be aggravated or not. I've been so aggravated at everything lately and I don't know why, but I feel bad about it. I really do. I do my best to just stay away from everyone, so I don't lash out. Like I'm trying.
Why am I even still alive after this mess I've made for myself? Why do I say here that I want to go and yet have never even tried? I think I tried once when I was 14 but I spit the pills out. They wouldn't have done anything anyway, at least I'm pretty sure. No one knows about it and it doesn't even matter now.
I just feel as though I'm just trudging to the end, if that makes sense. Like I've already fucked up enough and I can't really dig myself out of the hole, only way I can go is down. And I'm just... waiting for that inevitable end, I guess.
Probably sound super braindead so sorry about that lol
