Conflicted Feelings

[justanotherbody]

Mostly just journaling here, I guess. But something nice happened today. Something really good and swell and wonderful.

It's been years of trauma-fueled survival mode, far too much self-harm, an attempt to CTB, and a stay in the psych ward. I've been miserable and hating everything and wanting it all to go away. You know the drill.

And today showed me the faintest glimmer of hope I've had in a long time. And I cried, because my head was literally buzzing with endorphins. I have never felt such a dopamine high in my entire life. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I felt even a hint of happiness. And it felt like my brain had completely forgotten what it felt like, so the contrast was intense.

And then I cried because I'm afraid it's not enough. That a little speck of joy isn't sustainable.

I purchased and acquired a shotgun last week. I planned to CTB by February. This might have changed that. Or, at the very least, delayed it.

I think I want to stick around long enough to see if the hope grows and sustains. But I'm also afraid it's too late and I'm far too gone.

I made an appointment with a therapist for Monday. I don't know. Now I'm just confused on top of everything else. I don't know how to feel right now.

 

[daruino]

Wow, out of curiosity, what happened?

 

[timf]

You might consider if there is a part of your life you can use as a sort of anchor. If you are able to experiment and discover something you can control and build on, it might become a foundation to reclaim more of you life.

 

[justanotherbody]

Wow, out of curiosity, what happened?

Honestly, nothing objectively big. I hate to be vague, but it was just a brief moment of human interaction that made me feel important; a minor exchange that was personally validating and meaningful.

You might consider if there is a part of your life you can use as a sort of anchor. If you are able to experiment and discover something you can control and build on, it might become a foundation to reclaim more of you life.

Anchoring is something I've long tried to find. I have a lot of hobbies and interests, passions and talents. It's just the finding-ultimate-meaning-in-it-all portion I struggle with. Chronic apathy has plagued me since I was a teenager.

It's a whole ordeal, trying to recalibrate my thinking to accept that I don't have to be on the verge of self-destruction at every moment because its been the primary feeling for so long. I forgot what it felt like to not want to die.

All the more difficult, also, considering I had resigned myself to a timeline of two more weeks of "all this bullshit" before pulling the literal trigger. Now I have Chekhov's gun sitting around with no idea what the hell I'm going to do with it. Become a gun guy, maybe?

I did have a first session with a life coach the other day, this was pretty much the main topic we talked about. This is the most effort I've put into continued survival that I've had, so I am trying.

 

[fuzzypeach]

how did your session go?

 

[justanotherbody]

how did your session go?

It went alright. Not much to hope for, I guess, given it was a first meet with them. So I just walked through my history.

I did go ahead and make second appointments for both therapy and coaching, so there's that. Guess I'm going to hold on a little more. Didn't think a sliver of happiness would cause me so much stress.

But I've been having more frequent panic attacks, lately. I suspect it's the sudden glimmer of hope out of nowhere being met with nerves from having long anticipated my own end this next week. Like a tug of war between self-destruction and self-preservation.

Not a believer in fate, myself, nor am I particularly spiritual. But sometimes coincidences happen at the damnedest times.