Complex Trauma and Dissociation

[LogicalConclusion]

I've been having a really bad brain day and honestly I'm sick of myself. I feel like an exhausted adult/parent trying to manage 15 rowdy kids with zero experience. Dissociation is my natural state. In therapy and such, they give you all these ideas of "grounding" and whatnot that are supposed to be helpful and I'm sure it is for some people, great for them and I hope it keeps working. But when I try such techniques, I freak the fuck out. Feeling inside of my body and "present" is agonizing in ways that I don't even know how to begin to explain. Every day I wake up it's a game of "who/what am I today?" because I have all these fractured pieces in my head that compartmentalize different traumas/memories/personality traits/thinking patterns/etc and while I experience those (and they can change based on very complex factors that I don't even know the parameters of exactly), I also am an observer at the same time, watching as these different pieces hijack me and I'm just in the back with my hands over my face going "Nooooooooo, what are you even doing???!"

What really makes all of this complete bullshit to me is how so many therapists and doctors have said to me "Wow, you're so self-aware" as if that does a single fucking thing for me. Being aware doesn't mean I can stop what's happening. And there's also a lot of awareness that I haven't yet figured out how to put into words. Even this whole experience I'm describing now is something that has taken years to formulate words for. And then there's also the fear of admission. Putting things into words somehow makes it more "real" and that's terrifying to me. I'm just sick of this shitty brain and life and being exhausted all the time from dealing with switches between these fractured pieces and flashbacks/nightmares. Can't really blame anyone for not being able to help me. I can only imagine how aggravated people are with me given how sick I am of my own shit.

 

[LongTimeComing]

I really relate to feeling like a different person every day. When I wake up, I usually get an immediate panic attack because I see that I'm still alive and I don't know what to do. I am terrified; I can't pin my emotions or personality traits. Not knowing how to feel, act, or think is infuriating and confusing. I often contradict what I've said in the past, because I'm not the same person I was yesterday and I won't be me tomorrow. For me, it's not a psychotic personality disorder; I'm just not present and being forced into "reality" is miserable.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

I really relate to feeling like a different person every day. When I wake up, I usually get an immediate panic attack because I see that I'm still alive and I don't know what to do. I am terrified; I can't pin my emotions or personality traits. Not knowing how to feel, act, or think is infuriating and confusing. I often contradict what I've said in the past, because I'm not the same person I was yesterday and I won't be me tomorrow. For me, it's not a psychotic personality disorder; I'm just not present and being forced into "reality" is miserable.

MOOD. I have wildly different views on things depending on which "mode" I'm in and it's jarring. Sometimes I say horrible things like I might've said when I was 16 and extremely socially isolated/unaware that I'm like "OMG Why would you say that?!" Or I'll express two different opinions on the same thing on different days. I don't know how people don't see this. To some degree, I think I've learned to mask it, but I still don't see how people haven't noticed especially when I'm really stressed and put into different situations where I'll act wildly different from one moment to the next. It's fucking ridiculous.

 

[Loli]

Well, we're on the same boat. This is my main reason to CTB. My mind is all over the place and I barely hold it together in front of people.
I always imagine one's personality as a growing tree, with a root system, trunk and a crown. It's solid but still has ability to adapt to various circumstances. Mine is like a furious snot. And it's unbearable.
Sorry you're going through this too.

When I wake up, I usually get an immediate panic attack because I see that I'm still alive and I don't know what to do. I am terrified; I can't pin my emotions or personality traits.

Lol I need to cover my webcam.
Hang in there guys.