Venting Comparing your feelings to people with physical chronic illness?

[mold]

In recent days, while I wait for my SN and other materials, I feel as though I've been preparing myself for death like I would as though i have some sort of chronic, terminal illness. I know its not really fair to compare myself to people who want to live but can't, but I feel as though I prepare myself the same way (at least what's shown in those "end of life" prep kits or papers).

It feels somewhat unfair, there's all these good people, who genuinely want to live and have no choice whether they live or die, but I'm a bad person who is choosing to die.

Maybe I'm biased since one of the people who pushed me to the edge had terminal cancer, and used it as an excuse to bully me (literal textbook definition of bullying, excluding me from spaces with my own family/irl friends, calling me names, etc.), so I feel less empathetic because of PTSD, but I still feel like its unfair for me to feel. Does any of you understand how i feel? Idk, maybe I'm just insane and selfish, maybe this is normal. I'm super drunk right now so maybe I'm not thinking clearly.

I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just coping and talking out my ass cause I'm not sober. I just wanted to vent how I felt. I felt this way somewhat sober as well. Hope you're all well.

 

[iCryInMySecretSpot]

well, im unable to experience joy, anxiety causes near panic attacks every night, i cant get out of bed, i dont have the energy to do anything, every night i have to fight the urge to choke myself, i am unable to have sex because of ptsd, i find it difficult to speak to people. i think i have it "easier" than people with physical illnesses because at least i can sleep and sometimes experience happy moments. also, i think my problems are fixable.

 

[Anarcholoser]

I'm physically disabled, have been on my death bed due to physical illness, and also have lived with severe mental illness almost all of my life. Honestly, I don't think there's as much of a difference between physical and mental illness as people like to believe. There is considerable overlap. And in the end, whether it's your brain or another part of your body that is not functioning properly, often times there will be a great deal of suffering.

Just my perspective as a cripple :)

 

[Bishop]

Both are equally miserable. We are all suffering and in pain.

 

[squiddedoutt]

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[certified_idiot]

Physical and mental illness are incredibly intertwined. They can both absolutely fuck up your life. People who are terminally ill don't choose do die, but mentally ill people don't choose to be suicidal. I'm chronically ill, but not terminally ill, and that's one of the reasons I want to ctb. I'm just going to get worse and worse, but I'm not going to die from my illness, so I have to take it into my own hands. People don't understand invisible illnesses, whether they are mental or physical. As someone who has been both types of ill for so long, I think dividing us is useless, and we could support each other.

 

[if_i_make_it]

I feel like we are more alike than not. Many chronically ill people who want to die are significantly depressed in the same way. Just different factors in our life that lead us both to the same conclusion...yknow? Not to mention other unrelated traumas in our life that contribute to it. I think mental anguish is absolutely a good enough reason, it is really intense suffering at the end of the day.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I don't believe that being suicidal makes anyone a bad person. Terminal illness or not, the person in your life shouldn't have treated you so badly. Though, they may have been struggling to come to terms with their illness, and unfortunately during their own process of hurting and grieving, made you the target to lash out at. It may not be possible to forgive them, but I really do think that the way they acted may not have been on account of anything you had done, but their own internal struggles they were dealing with at the time.

Though, I don't think physical and mental illnesses should be divided either. One of my immediate family members had a chronic illness which became terminal and lead to her passing at a relatively young age. She was extremely unhappy, despite everyone constantly espousing the sentiment that you should fight for life no matter what if you're ill, and be grateful to be alive. She even got hospitalised in the psych ward multiple times, because not wanting to live with such a dehabilating condition was viewed as an mental illness.

I'm also physically ill, but the issues I have won't kill me. Perhaps they will cause some knock-off issues further down the line, but I've been experiencing bad physical symptoms for around 10 years now, and never been hospitalised due to my chronic illness or had a brush with death because of it. It's just simply not how my condition works. But it won't get better either, so you're stuck in this weird, awful purgatory sort of state where your body won't heal, but it won't die either.

I have not wanted to live for a very long time. Some shitty people in my life would tell me all the time I should be grateful not to have a terminal illness, that I should be grateful to be alive, but a lot of people don't realize that chronic physical illness takes a toll on you. There are a lot of people who are suicidal because of physical illnesses, but who are silenced either due to pressure from family/friends or others in their community who don't want such feelings to become contagious.