Discussion cant understand every problem i cause

[ScaredCutter]

i may be vauge and leaving out things but, i just dont want to explain how it got to it.

today, got into fight, told that im not trying because i havent so ecentually i asked what is it that im doing and i was told that i reflect my insecurities on them, that i harass them and that i dont accept being told no. but the thing is i dont understand? idk how im doing those things, i mean i can tell when its the 2nd and 3rd fro. time to time but the 1st????

i do talk bad about myself, how im ugly, unappealing, how i dont lkke certain parts of myself but idk how its reflecting my insecurities on them, is it because they have similar insecurites and thats what it means?

i was told that i was also acting different, how i was bejng wierd about things and controlling of something and, i do know why i was being controlling but being weird is what i also dont undersyand.

im so lost, im very tired and sad

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

today, got into fight, told that im not trying because i havent so ecentually i asked what is it that im doing and i was told that i reflect my insecurities on them, that i harass them and that i dont accept being told no. but the thing is i dont understand? idk how im doing those things, i mean i can tell when its the 2nd and 3rd fro. time to time but the 1st????

So take this with a grain of salt, but I know someone with similar "issues" to what you've described on this forum, so maybe yne this is what you're doing without realizing?

They in particular are a heavy pessimist. Like HEAVY. And they will verbalize their pessimistic thoughts as if they are the one true "reality."

"Great, can't wait for (bad thing) to happen..."

"Now they won't do (important thing) for us! We're screwed!"


Hearing them essentially verbally vent every two seconds is hard enough, but they also micromanage what you do. They have tried to micromanage how to I word things people on the phone because "you sound too awkward" or some other reason, when it's just my autism—I'm GOING to sound awkward. They project their own insecurities and things they mask/worry about on to me, and make me mask/worry about them to under the guise of "advice" and "guiding me."


Is this something you struggle with? If not, asking the person outright for an example of what you did wrong is your best bet.

 

[ScaredCutter]

So take this with a grain of salt, but I know someone with similar "issues" to what you've described on this forum, so maybe yne this is what you're doing without realizing?

They in particular are a heavy pessimist. Like HEAVY. And they will verbalize their pessimistic thoughts as if they are the one true "reality."

"Great, can't wait for (bad thing) to happen..."

"Now they won't do (important thing) for us! We're screwed!"


Hearing them essentially verbally vent every two seconds is hard enough, but they also micromanage what you do. They have tried to micromanage how to I word things people on the phone because "you sound too awkward" or some other reason, when it's just my autism—I'm GOING to sound awkward. They project their own insecurities and things they mask/worry about on to me, and make me mask/worry about them to under the guise of "advice" and "guiding me."


Is this something you struggle with? If not, asking the person outright for an example of what you did wrong is your best bet.

oh i see, id have to look back at everything ive said to figure ot out sadly. i usually say that "i apologise if ive done somwthing bad" even when nothing has happened because i feel like something did happen. would it be loke that? apologys if im mixing it up!


i did actuallu ask how im doing it and all i was told was "do you not know it yourself", "youre just being difficult for no reason". i typically do ask how im doing something that is bad but it feels like im expected to know when i cant notice it as clearly as others do.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

oh i see, id have to look back at everything ive said to figure ot out sadly. i usually say that "i apologise if ive done somwthing bad" even when nothing has happened because i feel like something did happen. would it be loke that? apologys if im mixing it up!


i did actuallu ask how im doing it and all i was told was "do you not know it yourself", "youre just being difficult for no reason". i typically do ask how im doing something that is bad but it feels like im expected to know when i cant notice it as clearly as others do.

Honestly, whether you're doing something or not, they shouldn't refuse to communicate what you did. That also puts them at fault. They are responsible for their emotions, and if your actions hurt them so much, they need to tell you exactly what you did, or just leave you if they really can't say it. Criticizing you but leaving out crucial details will not help them.

Also, repeatedly saying "I'm sorry if I did something wrong" when small things happen is technically projecting insecurities onto them (say, if they don't message you fast enough, you project your worries abput being a burden and apologize even though it had nothing to do with that), but as someone who's been on both sides, its complicated.

I know the fear and the urge to apologize. You recognize a pattern and want to "nip it in the bud." But you are accidentally preventing goid things from happening because you are so hyperfocused on the POSSIBILITY of anything bad. The person you do this to may feel controlled, and like they have to be responsible for your feelings. It can be tiring.

It sounds like you and your friend are both having a lot of emotions. A conversation and promise to work on it from you would be good, but until they're willing to confirm that this IS the issue they're talking about, you should avoid assuming and trying to fix anything. Take some time, and hopefully both of you will have a clearer head later.