Can’t leave my family financially broken

[Rheaz]

Is anyone else not going through with ctb because they bring in the majority of income for family? I know I should feel ashamed about wanting to leave my husband and children behind but every day my thoughts are consumed by death. Just wondering if anyone else can relate. I don't want to leave my children but I also hate living so much. I have everything for SN but I can't bring myself to leave my children broken-hearted. Also my husband is in love with me. It would break his heart. How can I live every day when I hate myself so much. I'm disabled and every day is misery. I have PTSD, Conversion Disorder, schizo-affective disorder, Arnold Chiari Malformation, Fibromyalgia, Scoliosis, just a portion of my list.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I think its amazing that you are able to be a breadwinner with that long list of dignosis. What do you do for a living? :)

 

[Rheaz]

I think its amazing that you are able to be a breadwinner with that long list of dignosis. What do you do for a living? :)

I can't work. I wish I could but I get disability pay because of my disabilities. I'm considered unemployable. If I die that income will go away.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Wow, sounds like a really tough and painful place to be in. You said that in addition to your mental disnosis, you also have a physical disability as well?

 

[Rheaz]

I have a malformation of my brain caused by an epidural that left me with a spinal leak. The leak caused my cerebellum to herniate into the opening of my spinal column. I suffer from horrible headaches and neck pain. Also I developed scoliosis which causes spasms along my spine. So my muscle spasms are really bad. I can't get pain killers because of my history with addiction. I've just really made horrible choices in my life that created this internal nightmare. I hardly leave the house so I feel my children would be better off without me because I'm so messed up mentally. I just love them so much. I can't bear the thought of breaking their hearts with my suicide but every day I live is a nightmare for me. I also can't find a medication that works for my mental health issues. Thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate your reply :)