Discussion Bye bye thread

[Lambybahhhhhh]

It's been a long time since I joined this site, a year and a few months. During that time I had hopes at some point that my life would turn out for the better, but life has a way of tearing it apart. I've had my sn with me for a month or two, haven't tried to use it until now. I was on a trip with my family, I didn't want to sour their trip by CTBing beforehand. It's weird, I feel bad for my loved ones but not bad enough. It's like I'm always on limbo and I'd rather end it once and for all. I genuinely can't think of the last time I went a week without crying or feeling miserable, it's been for as long as I can remember and I'm tired of subjecting myself to torture because that's how it feels every day, every single morning that I wake up. Anyways, I wish things had worked out with the person I loved but I realize now that will never happen. I'd like to blame it on destiny but that's not how things work. I don't even know why I'm writing all of this no stranger is going to start weeping at the sight of some random 19 year old's writing.

I'm afraid. I don't feel like how I thought I would feel when I finally did it, but I know it's for the best or else I'll still be stuck on limbo.

I started my fast an hour ago so I have 7 hours before I CTB. I honestly never managed to set up a proper plan…probably ibuprofen a few hours before, or some other pain killer I don't know. I don't have antiemetics.

Maybe the reason I'm writing this is because I just want to let someone in my mental state, also I want to hold myself accountable. If I don't end up doing it I'll probably delete my account out of embarrassment. Regardless, I'll wait those hours. Probably watch anime or something.

 

[hmnow]

I wish you a peaceful journey and find what u need

 

[fadedghost]

There's nothing wrong with changing your mind. Plenty of people change their minds about things all the time. Many people have been on this site for years. You can change your mind if you want to and feel okay about it.

I know you probably know this, but at 19, your brain hasn't full matured, which usually happens around 24, although some scientists are now saying it happens more at 29 when things are completely done. also 18-20 is often when mental health issues like bipolar disorder can first appear, so if you haven't seen a professional to see if there's something wrong, you may be making a decision while impaired, in a way, because some people do not improve with pills, but some people do completely... have you tried to get better with professional help at all? also most people who have major depressive disorder and seek treatment do get better. Some are treatment resistant, but that's rare, it's not typical.

there's also the fact that getting over a romance is a lot like detoxing off drugs. The first 3 weeks are hell, and the next 6 months is hard too, and then it's maybe another 6 months to feel sort of normal again possibly. Even if it's unrequited romance, where no relationship happened, if you are in love with someone and they don't like you back, you need to go cold turkey and not see or talk to them at all and it's normal for it to hurt for a year.

I'm not a pro-life person, but at 19, you haven't had a chance to see if you enjoy life more being economically independent or when your brain has full developed.

I am also guessing you've considered all of these things, but this is just a reminder. Did you at least try to get better and see a professional?

Also, if you take part of it, which hopefully you don't, and start puking, the antidote (which often doesn't work but does sometimes) is methylene blue. You are very unlikely to survive if you take it, so I am just mentioning the antidote in case you end up calling 911. But by the time you call, if you call, it likely will be too late (but you can call anyway if you want because in rare cases people don't die)..I know you almost certainly know all this, and have researched it...

I'm sorry you feels so terrible... And I'm sorry if this seems preachy. 19 is just really young. I am still pro-choice, but worry when someone so young is suicidal like this.

 

[darksouls]

peace be with you

 

[Le temps perdu]

I hope you find peace. and there's no shame in changing your mind. Everyone has the right to make their own choices, and everyone deserves to feel safe and respected, whatever they decide.

 

[Drogon]

Wishing you eternal peace

 

[volo]

No need to be embarrassed, many people changed their mind at the last minute and they r still here.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

There's nothing wrong with changing your mind. Plenty of people change their minds about things all the time. Many people have been on this site for years. You can change your mind if you want to and feel okay about it.

I know you probably know this, but at 19, your brain hasn't full matured, which usually happens around 24, although some scientists are now saying it happens more at 29 when things are completely done. also 18-20 is often when mental health issues like bipolar disorder can first appear, so if you haven't seen a professional to see if there's something wrong, you may be making a decision while impaired, in a way, because some people do not improve with pills, but some people do completely... have you tried to get better with professional help at all? also most people who have major depressive disorder and seek treatment do get better. Some are treatment resistant, but that's rare, it's not typical.

there's also the fact that getting over a romance is a lot like detoxing off drugs. The first 3 weeks are hell, and the next 6 months is hard too, and then it's maybe another 6 months to feel sort of normal again possibly. Even if it's unrequited romance, where no relationship happened, if you are in love with someone and they don't like you back, you need to go cold turkey and not see or talk to them at all and it's normal for it to hurt for a year.

I'm not a pro-life person, but at 19, you haven't had a chance to see if you enjoy life more being economically independent or when your brain has full developed.

I am also guessing you've considered all of these things, but this is just a reminder. Did you at least try to get better and see a professional?

Also, if you take part of it, which hopefully you don't, and start puking, the antidote (which often doesn't work but does sometimes) is methylene blue. You are very unlikely to survive if you take it, so I am just mentioning the antidote in case you end up calling 911. But by the time you call, if you call, it likely will be too late (but you can call anyway if you want because in rare cases people don't die)..I know you almost certainly know all this, and have researched it...

I'm sorry you feels so terrible... And I'm sorry if this seems preachy. 19 is just really young. I am still pro-choice, but worry when someone so young is suicidal like this.

I have been diagnosed with depression when I was at a mental hospital ten months ago, and was prescribed with pills for it which I didn't continue taking because well, parent complained about having to take me to see the psychologist/psychiatrist, and honestly the fact that I'm still dependent on a parent at 19 just makes me feel all the worse. Maybe psychological help could've changed something but I don't have the will to do anything anymore I'd genuinely rather just bed rot and I recognize how pathetic and wrong that is. I just want to stop dragging everyone down.

About the relationship, I met that person when I was 14, they had grooming behaviors towards me I didn't realize until later in life, they really told 14 year old me that we were soulmates. That kind of attention, from someone four years older? Especially when I was already struggling at home with my parents threatening to kill or hurt each other, that felt like a drug. And now that it's gone, I suppose I can't handle it. I don't consider myself a victim just an unfortunate person.

 

[fadedghost]

I have been diagnosed with depression when I was at a mental hospital ten months ago, and was prescribed with pills for it which I didn't continue taking because well, parent complained about having to take me to see the psychologist/psychiatrist, and honestly the fact that I'm still dependent on a parent at 19 just makes me feel all the worse. Maybe psychological help could've changed something but I don't have the will to do anything anymore I'd genuinely rather just bed rot and I recognize how pathetic and wrong that is. I just want to stop dragging everyone down.

About the relationship, I met that person when I was 14, they had grooming behaviors towards me I didn't realize until later in life, they really told 14 year old me that we were soulmates. That kind of attention, from someone four years older? Especially when I was already struggling at home with my parents threatening to kill or hurt each other, that felt like a drug. And now that it's gone, I suppose I can't handle it. I don't consider myself a victim just an unfortunate person.

Considering you were prescribed meds, and sometimes people do improve on meds, are you able to see a psychiatrist on your own (ie, by taking a bus or train or walking)?

Almost everyone is dependent on their parents at 19.

You seem like a highly traumatized 19 year old who could improve with therapy, finding a way to be economically independent (and away from dramatic or inconsiderate parents), and like just having someone to talk with about what happened...

It's up to you what you do, but you don't seem like someone who has a chronic condition that will never get better (ie, late stage Huntington's) or has treatment resistant depression and has tried a lot. You seem like a 19 year who could get better but needs help.

I am pro-choice, but I really think you could possibly get better and have a nice life and are considering suicide way too young and early.

 

[LosingFeathers]

Being dependet on a parent with 19 is really normal, please don't beat yourself up because of it. It makes me angry, that your parent is that lazy, that they can't even go to a psychologist with you! That stuff is kinda important, wth. No one here would think less of you, if you change your mind. You are still so young, I'm not in your head, but please consider this carefully before you make a decision. There is a very good chance, that you will get better.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I hope you change your mind & decide to see how much things improve in the next few years .

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

Being dependet on a parent with 19 is really normal, please don't beat yourself up because of it. It makes me angry, that your parent is that lazy, that they can't even go to a psychologist with you! That stuff is kinda important, wth. No one here would think less of you, if you change your mind. You are still so young, I'm not in your head, but please consider this carefully before you make a decision. There is a very good chance, that you will get better.

Thank you for believing in me I appreciate it even if I'm not in the headspace for that right now

Considering you were prescribed meds, and sometimes people do improve on meds, are you able to see a psychiatrist on your own (ie, by taking a bus or train or walking)?

Almost everyone is dependent on their parents at 19.

You seem like a highly traumatized 19 year old who could improve with therapy, finding a way to be economically independent (and away from dramatic or inconsiderate parents), and like just having someone to talk with about what happened...

It's up to you what you do, but you don't seem like someone who has a chronic condition that will never get better (ie, late stage Huntington's) or has treatment resistant depression and has tried a lot. You seem like a 19 year who could get better but needs help.

I am pro-choice, but I really think you could possibly get better and have a nice life and are considering suicide way too young and early.

I could possibly find a psychiatrist close by which I could walk to, yeah. I don't think I'll change my mind, but thanks for taking the time to write this anyway. It means something to me.
Okay I made the link to my goodbye letter, on carrd. Hopefully they don't delete it for TOS or something like that. It feels like seeking attention but a friend of mine told me it's for the best, don't want people blaming themselves or wondering what happened.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

I'm really hungry

 

[toocraptoolong]

I'm sorry you're feeling this awful about living. You are not alone and have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. It sounds like you just need some help to become mentally stable while you work your way through some hard shit. I think medication and talking to a professional could really help. Is there a crisis phone line you might want to call, just to chat to someone?
I understand how depressed you feel and that your life is your own. Just remember that it is no less important than anyone else's.
If you change your mind, there's no need to run away from anything - there's loads of people here who will completely understand.
Wishing you some calm and peace

 

[fadedghost]

I'm really hungry

Are you Puerto Rican? I am asking because of the flag in the profile.

Your continuing to fast is awful. I really hope you change your mind.

This is why there should be a Right to Suicide, because in The Netherlands, they would never approve someone like you of dying without getting more help and trying to get better first, and if such a right existed, you might try to get better simply so you would be approved.

You're 19, clearly very traumatized, haven't really tried much in terms of getting better, and likely would get better in a year or two with more professional help.

This is just terrible. :-/ There are other guys out there... who may be nice... Can't you try another year to get better?

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

Are you Puerto Rican? I am asking because of the flag in the profile.

Your continuing to fast is awful. I really hope you change your mind.

This is why there should be a Right to Suicide, because in The Netherlands, they would never approve someone like you of dying without getting more help and trying to get better first, and if such a right existed, you might try to get better simply so you would be approved.

You're 19, clearly very traumatized, haven't really tried much in terms of getting better, and likely would get better in a year or two with more professional help.

This is just terrible. :-/ There are other guys out there... who may be nice... Can't you try another year to get better?

Yeah I'm Puerto Rican. I honestly don't want to die but I've already committed to it. I know I should have tried harder but it's just too much to deal with.
I just realized I fasted for more than 8 hours already because I haven't eaten anything yesterday night anyway…omg.

Alright I'll be using 17g of SN and 35ml of water, since I'm 109lbs. I'll use a tablespoon to measure since I don't have a mini scale or anything. I'm kind of scared honestly. Dying means everything is over, I just hope hell doesn't turn out to be real…

 

[toocraptoolong]

If you honestly don't want to die, I think you should step away from the poison right now and seek help. I hope you're still OK

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering.

 

[fadedghost]

I honestly don't want to die but I've already committed to it.

There's online therapy, there are people who could help you figure out how to get help... you're making this decision in a likely impaired state after discontinuing treatment, when emotionally upset over a relationship and traumatized.

Just change your mind if you don't want to die.

I'm sorry things have been so difficult. Your post seems especially tragic because you're so young and likely could get better.

People who take SN, even without emetics, do die, and likely if you take the initial drink, almost certainly, you will die. The number of people who don't die from SN is small and rare. But again, if you do end up drinking it, and only then realize it's a mistake, you can call emergency services, say you overdosed on SN and need methylene blue and are likely going to die of Methemoglobinemia. Once you take it, it's almost certainly going to be too late.

I wish I could say something to get you to consider therapy for 6 months before ending things this way... the way you have planned this, with pretty much just SN, is also going to make this more painful and difficult if you go this route. This isn't planned very well, and I don't think this is a clear-headed decision.

 

[nosense-user]

Are you still alive?

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

Are you still alive?

Yes unfortunately

 

[ZeroRedz02]

Yes unfortunately

I am sorry for that :/

 

[thefirstluminary]

It's been a long time since I joined this site, a year and a few months. During that time I had hopes at some point that my life would turn out for the better, but life has a way of tearing it apart. I've had my sn with me for a month or two, haven't tried to use it until now. I was on a trip with my family, I didn't want to sour their trip by CTBing beforehand. It's weird, I feel bad for my loved ones but not bad enough. It's like I'm always on limbo and I'd rather end it once and for all. I genuinely can't think of the last time I went a week without crying or feeling miserable, it's been for as long as I can remember and I'm tired of subjecting myself to torture because that's how it feels every day, every single morning that I wake up. Anyways, I wish things had worked out with the person I loved but I realize now that will never happen. I'd like to blame it on destiny but that's not how things work. I don't even know why I'm writing all of this no stranger is going to start weeping at the sight of some random 19 year old's writing.

I'm afraid. I don't feel like how I thought I would feel when I finally did it, but I know it's for the best or else I'll still be stuck on limbo.

I started my fast an hour ago so I have 7 hours before I CTB. I honestly never managed to set up a proper plan…probably ibuprofen a few hours before, or some other pain killer I don't know. I don't have antiemetics.

Maybe the reason I'm writing this is because I just want to let someone in my mental state, also I want to hold myself accountable. If I don't end up doing it I'll probably delete my account out of embarrassment. Regardless, I'll wait those hours. Probably watch anime or something.

Please, don't do it. You still have so much life ahead of you. I'm incredibly sorry if I said something wrong i've been thinking about you since yesterday, and when I didn't see you online, I was scared for you. This path is only going to bring more pain. Like @fadedghost said, you can still stick around to see if things get better. You aren't thinking clearly right now, and I just... please don't do it yet. I don't want to lose a friend. You matter to me. Your parents will miss you, I will miss you, and everyone you know will feel the emptiness you leave behind. We are all here for you. I'm not good with words, but this comes from the bottom of my heart. If you die, my life will never be the same. Everyone who loves you feels the same way

 

[toocraptoolong]

I don't know you, but I'm glad you woke up today
You may feel disappointed, but it sounded like you didn't want to die and didn't feel any of the peace you thought you would feel. I hope you can keep on waking up for a while.

 

[PoppyBlack]

It's been a long time since I joined this site, a year and a few months. During that time I had hopes at some point that my life would turn out for the better, but life has a way of tearing it apart. I've had my sn with me for a month or two, haven't tried to use it until now. I was on a trip with my family, I didn't want to sour their trip by CTBing beforehand. It's weird, I feel bad for my loved ones but not bad enough. It's like I'm always on limbo and I'd rather end it once and for all. I genuinely can't think of the last time I went a week without crying or feeling miserable, it's been for as long as I can remember and I'm tired of subjecting myself to torture because that's how it feels every day, every single morning that I wake up. Anyways, I wish things had worked out with the person I loved but I realize now that will never happen. I'd like to blame it on destiny but that's not how things work. I don't even know why I'm writing all of this no stranger is going to start weeping at the sight of some random 19 year old's writing.

I'm afraid. I don't feel like how I thought I would feel when I finally did it, but I know it's for the best or else I'll still be stuck on limbo.

I started my fast an hour ago so I have 7 hours before I CTB. I honestly never managed to set up a proper plan…probably ibuprofen a few hours before, or some other pain killer I don't know. I don't have antiemetics.

Maybe the reason I'm writing this is because I just want to let someone in my mental state, also I want to hold myself accountable. If I don't end up doing it I'll probably delete my account out of embarrassment. Regardless, I'll wait those hours. Probably watch anime or something.

I hope you are doing okay.

I don't know how often I have been on the very edge of things. I find that I am often ambivalent. (Maybe always?) I want to go. But I often dream about being in some way 'touched' and mattering to someone else. I remember cutting badly in an old church and thinking 'if god won't help now, they cannot possibly be'. That was the evening I 'killed' god. Many years ago!

I get through life with my deathing always in mind. I carry my 'kit' to work most days. It comforts me.

There is absolutely no reason to be embarassed. If it was easy and straight forward, we would not be here.

Wishing you well.

Poppy.