scordatura
hate myself
- Sep 12, 2025
- 101
Hi folks.
I've not much interesting to say.
I'm just going to chat about burning myself. Gave myself quite a lot today. Repeatedly brand myself with hot metal on my arms and hands. I took some diazepam but never seemed to helped, took some more and I'm calmer now. About to take my night time meds, put me down and go to sleep.
I have so many burn scars that each time I do it I'm looking for a new place that hasn't already been marked. One of my arms in particular is very prone to tendonitis etc, so I tend not to hurt that one anymore just cause I want it to still be functional.. it's silly... I'm a violinist and it's the only positive thing I have in my life that relies only on me to fulfill, the only thing that keeps me going. I spend so much more time with my instrument than I do people, it's an extension of myself. Sometimes I even hear it speaking to me, whispering to me, I can't make out what it says besides knowing it's a voice, it's obviously a trick of the mind.
That's why my name is scordatura. it means the mis-tuning of a stringed instrument. I am incredibly lucky to have that, so I don't want to lose my ability to play.
But also... sometimes... as a punishment... I want to cut all my fingers off...
I'm trying to express my guilt. I'm far from the worst person, and I know that, but I still treat myself like I am satan, a murderer or someone deserving of terrible things. It's a self fulfilling prophecy isn't it. It's my repentance. I have now gave myself my consequence.
I burned my palms today, it hurts more than on my arm or the back of my hands. Though the back of my hands seems to take the most damage. I'm guessing the skin is thinner there and has less of a buffer. It's less gory than cutting, can't really handle that anymore.
I'm really just rambling and talking a load of shit, I apologise.
I see some folk make their own threads and then they update how they are doing in that same thread by replying to it at various times. I may do that for myself too, saves me making random vent threads, and bogging the place down, even though people here seem happy to have you. I appreciate it a lot.
I used to even burn my face, not anymore, people get really confused. It's not obviously self harm but they also don't know what they are looking at. Still people don't really ask, so it's okay.
I'm also really craving drugs... I really want to take some MDMA. I have a little left... I don't believe it's addictive.. but any time I take it, i really really crave the feeling. I live in a different location now and don't know where to get more, I feel like it's gonna be my last high...
I am going to burn myself some more. Take my meds, and pass out. Thank you for accepting my pointless ramblings.
I've not much interesting to say.
I'm just going to chat about burning myself. Gave myself quite a lot today. Repeatedly brand myself with hot metal on my arms and hands. I took some diazepam but never seemed to helped, took some more and I'm calmer now. About to take my night time meds, put me down and go to sleep.
I have so many burn scars that each time I do it I'm looking for a new place that hasn't already been marked. One of my arms in particular is very prone to tendonitis etc, so I tend not to hurt that one anymore just cause I want it to still be functional.. it's silly... I'm a violinist and it's the only positive thing I have in my life that relies only on me to fulfill, the only thing that keeps me going. I spend so much more time with my instrument than I do people, it's an extension of myself. Sometimes I even hear it speaking to me, whispering to me, I can't make out what it says besides knowing it's a voice, it's obviously a trick of the mind.
That's why my name is scordatura. it means the mis-tuning of a stringed instrument. I am incredibly lucky to have that, so I don't want to lose my ability to play.
But also... sometimes... as a punishment... I want to cut all my fingers off...
I'm trying to express my guilt. I'm far from the worst person, and I know that, but I still treat myself like I am satan, a murderer or someone deserving of terrible things. It's a self fulfilling prophecy isn't it. It's my repentance. I have now gave myself my consequence.
I burned my palms today, it hurts more than on my arm or the back of my hands. Though the back of my hands seems to take the most damage. I'm guessing the skin is thinner there and has less of a buffer. It's less gory than cutting, can't really handle that anymore.
I'm really just rambling and talking a load of shit, I apologise.
I see some folk make their own threads and then they update how they are doing in that same thread by replying to it at various times. I may do that for myself too, saves me making random vent threads, and bogging the place down, even though people here seem happy to have you. I appreciate it a lot.
I used to even burn my face, not anymore, people get really confused. It's not obviously self harm but they also don't know what they are looking at. Still people don't really ask, so it's okay.
I'm also really craving drugs... I really want to take some MDMA. I have a little left... I don't believe it's addictive.. but any time I take it, i really really crave the feeling. I live in a different location now and don't know where to get more, I feel like it's gonna be my last high...
I am going to burn myself some more. Take my meds, and pass out. Thank you for accepting my pointless ramblings.
