bunch of nonsense

[Danny_05]

I've been suicidal since I was 13, I'm 20 now I had my ups and downs and my life seems better then before but, still I can't imagine myself being happy like ever feels like my life is so fucking miserable apart from few good things and few good moments here and there I feel like I can't actually recover I'm too deep in this hole I was extremely depressed 6 months ago and decided that is just because my life lacks purpose so I joined military im 6 months in and I actually fucking hate it it makes me want ctb so much more I'm going to do it 36 hours from now if everything will go well (kn method). At first it was nice hard training and shit but after 2 months I've got bored of it. Toxic people, money is good but I just can't I feel like I'm so detached from reality that I can't live in society so dynamic, and then I thought if i'm making above average income have a car girlfriend friends and I'm so fucking suicidal and depressed so in what possible situation I would be happy how fucking drastically my life should be just for me to not constantly think about ctb. i had hobbies much more deep relationships and energy but since i joined this fucking military i've got nothing. I can't leave either because i dont have almost any savings (i'm online gambling for almost 2 years) i got constant pressure from my parents and i know once i will slip my foot ill be on my own, i can't go to college because my parents won't invest in me a fucking penny to make my career and overall life better, the only person that truly cares about me is my girlfriend but still she wont move out with me and I can't i just can't live with my parents that long every day here is slowly killing me i feel like i'm person in 5% rest is gone so yea i think ctb is the only way for me i'm just sad I was postponing it so much for many many years and now I have to hurt a lot more people then before.