benchpress against my head

[unabletocope]

the more I suffer, the tighter my head feels. i probably won't eat, i find myself not eating spontaneously, it just started to happen. i don't think i will starve to death. i feel more open to jumping. part of me wishes i could develop some form of psychosis as some kind of suicide aid, so i wouldn't have to work all of this out on my own. right now it's just my head on top of me, feeling everything that went wrong, no inclination to leave the house ever again, no inclination to eat, no inclination to connect with anyone or anything other than what is unresolved and how i should go about killing myself. i look for a light but it went out.
i'm involved in support groups, they are useless. every monday is a wasted day. i think something will come through for me. the way out will come. i am ready.
i'm not even on meds. why bother. even things like valium and xanax are useless to me now. all i know is how much work trying to get to the end point is, fuck it. i don't know whether to jump or not. i don't want to make local news, i want to die quietly. can't see where i would go to die. there's just no end in sight and it's relentless, endless, exhausting. where is the light? come through to me, please.
the more things close, the less there is to say.
crushed. just totally crushed, pressed.
feeling final moments. could do something in the next few days. doesn't feel impulsive. laying down to die. haven't taken anything, no hallucinations, just my life flashing under all the pressure.
there is nothing to reach out to. that's what happened and i fell under. no one will really notice anything when i die.

 

[unabletocope]

do one. i will. i am completely dead.
i am non existent, except when people feel like laughing at me. maybe killing myself in the most gruesome way is what is needed here.
desensitised. when no one is there for you, you eventually feel less and less human. i either die here or die elsewhere, fast car by Tracy Chapman comes to mind as i die.
tried to find stability in life. tried to reach out, so much, so hard. don't have to keep trying any more.
too many people wrote me off as trying too hard.
sometimes people just need to know who's there for them. it doesn't mean they're entitled.
other people have hurt me all my life. i was never able to hurt someone the way the world was able to hurt me.
i am pushed to die by everyone else. pushed to a choice. who's really making the choice if life is pushing you to die?

 

[unabletocope]

can't think straight. coming up to 3 days without eating. getting wearier, I've lost everything. how to die? can't think straight. don't want to be in my own drama. don't know how to do it. don't know to what extent i need to see something to die. taking my mind off doesn't help. I can't meditate myself to death. i don't know how to do it.
so ill.