Being transgender feels like a horror movie

[RobynByrd2]

I have been suicidal since I was 8 but I always pushed through because I felt like the issue was within my grasp. Turns out the answer is that I'm trans, fucking hooray. I'm about a year on hrt and its working but theres so much of my body that was ruined by puberty and I will probably never pass, even when i try to look like a girl i resemble a disgusting abomination that makes everyone stare.

My parents are incredibly embarassed with me and they don't even try to hide it. My grandfather who I was close with pre transition cut me out of his life.

Living in this testosterone poisoned body makes me want to scream. I get crippling envy around pretty much any woman and it makes it extremely difficult to make friends. I have so much existential dysphoria about basically a third of my life being a dissociative, alcoholic nightmare when I was repressing.

Quitting drinking didn't help, quitting weed didn't either. I am stuck in a flesh prison of my own genetics and biochemistry and it makes me so fucking angry. I am jealous of trans people who are proud of themselves because this life feels like a sick joke that some trickster God is playing. I get one shot at life and I get the body horror one. I fucking hate living and wish I was dead.

 

[DarkFriend.]

Congratulations on being on hrt for a full year!

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to accept yourself as trans, and especially to take those steps to be your true self.

You're not disgusting, and you're not an abomination. You're a human being, and you are valid. No matter who accepts or understands you.

 

[SNastablesalt]

I have been suicidal since I was 8 but I always pushed through because I felt like the issue was within my grasp. Turns out the answer is that I'm trans, fucking hooray. I'm about a year on hrt and its working but theres so much of my body that was ruined by puberty and I will probably never pass, even when i try to look like a girl i resemble a disgusting abomination that makes everyone stare.

My parents are incredibly embarassed with me and they don't even try to hide it. My grandfather who I was close with pre transition cut me out of his life.

Living in this testosterone poisoned body makes me want to scream. I get crippling envy around pretty much any woman and it makes it extremely difficult to make friends. I have so much existential dysphoria about basically a third of my life being a dissociative, alcoholic nightmare when I was repressing.

Quitting drinking didn't help, quitting weed didn't either. I am stuck in a flesh prison of my own genetics and biochemistry and it makes me so fucking angry. I am jealous of trans people who are proud of themselves because this life feels like a sick joke that some trickster God is playing. I get one shot at life and I get the body horror one. I fucking hate living and wish I was dead.

No one deserves to be born in the wrong body it's so fucking horrible I have some gender dysphoria but not like , it's hard to explain I feel wrong in my body but I'd feel wrong as any gender if that makes sense so I cannot imagine how hard it is for you. You deserve the world and will never be disgusting or an abomination or anything even close to it. We are just unfortunate to live in a society full of evil people who won't even acknowledge that other people exist, and won't extend their empathy to anyone expect people that look like them, are the same gender, religion and speak the same language. You are beautiful and always will be, no matter how far along in your transition and just know there is people that love you infinitely, I'm one of them despite having never spoke to you. What horrible people think of you will never define you, and I hope you find peace whether that be through death, or finding peace in life . <3

 

[liviolet]

congrates for a year on hrt

iv been 7 months on diy hrt and i am in a simmilar situation specially that being in a 3rd world country dosent help and nobody around me is never going to bother to understand

i hope you can be at peace with your mind and body being trans is cruel

 

[RobynByrd2]

congrates for a year on hrt

iv been 7 months on diy hrt and i am in a simmilar situation specially that being in a 3rd world country dosent help and nobody around me is never going to bother to understand

i hope you can be at peace with your mind and body being trans is cruel

I couldn't even imagine how difficult it is in a third world country. I'm sorry you're going through this

No one deserves to be born in the wrong body it's so fucking horrible I have some gender dysphoria but not like , it's hard to explain I feel wrong in my body but I'd feel wrong as any gender if that makes sense so I cannot imagine how hard it is for you. You deserve the world and will never be disgusting or an abomination or anything even close to it. We are just unfortunate to live in a society full of evil people who won't even acknowledge that other people exist, and won't extend their empathy to anyone expect people that look like them, are the same gender, religion and speak the same language. You are beautiful and always will be, no matter how far along in your transition and just know there is people that love you infinitely, I'm one of them despite having never spoke to you. What horrible people think of you will never define you, and I hope you find peace whether that be through death, or finding peace in life . <3

Thank you. I needed that today.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Congrats on having the courage to be openly yourself. I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose the family which is supposed to always have your back due to something you have no control over.

I would urge you to give yourself some time for the HRT to work its magic. I've said it before and I'll say it again, one would not believe the pre and post transition/HRT pics I get on my Facebook feed, and the differences are absolutely astounding. Even setting aside the physical transformation, the post-transition pics always show people who seem happier and much more content.

Remember, trans is merely an adjective such as tall, short, etc. You do not need to "fit into society" - society needs to adjust to recognize all people (society used to condone slavery, segregation, even anti-suffragism). For me, trans issues are the new human rights frontier, but regrettably it's a fight that very few ever ask for. All I can say is from an old white CIS guy, I'm proud of you and marvel at your courage...

 

[tomame]

it's definitely a curse

i stopped transitioning yet i'm still plagued with the curse of what i've done to myself

nevermind the dysphoria we have to live with for the rest of our lives

 

[48meow53]

Almost 2 years on hrt on/off now. Feel like I will never be happy with myself.

I feel like no one else exists the same way I do. I don't want to lose the function or size of my existing genitals so I keep stopping to stop/reverse shrinkage.
No one else online has ever expressed the same desires as me so there is no documented way to get what I want, and I feel judged for expressing feeling the way I do.

I'm never going to be in a state where I'm progressing towards something I like without harming something else.
Either I'm
- on hrt and lose function
- not and get male pattern baldness, stop growing my chest, and feel like I'm getting more distant from who I am

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am cisgender myself, but you have an ally in me. Do you live in a big city? If so, there's probably some kind of transgender support group where you can meet other transgender people and discuss how you're feeling. Odds are many of them have been or are now in the same situation you are.

 

[ashesashes]

i feel the exact same way. other people feel proud to be trans but to me it just feels like a disability. i hate everything about my body sm and making friends and trying to date is so hard for me because everybody just looks at me differently. i'd literally have so much more confidence if i just had the body i wanted i feel like i'd literally rule the world.

i didn't have a problem telling my friends online because when i'm hiding behind my screen i have so much more confidence, but telling my family and the few people i know in the real world just feels like i'm just making everybody pretend or something. and it sucks so much because i know who i am on the inside but it makes it impossible to be that person while i'm stuck in this disgusting body. it's like my soul is trapped with no way out. i want to be a woman so bad. not a trans woman. not someone people have to choose to accept. just a normal woman.

so know that you're not alone <3 i really hope that hrt eventually gives you the body you want and that you finally feel comfortable