Autism just doesn't get better

[ATownSerenity]

I've felt this way for quite a while (if you check my account, my last post was years ago). I'm 25 now, and I've felt this way since I was 8. I thought maybe if I did all the tasks, I'd feel like a normal, integrated member of society - after all, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, right?

The internet and therapists told me to go outside and get active and I'd be happy. I'd say I'm relatively jacked and still want to die.

My family told me if I went back to school and got a respected, high paying job, I'd be happy. I got a nice little STEM degree, work a relatively well paid job (idk if you consider a trader at a fund respected or prestigious), and I don't work that many hours. I still spend most of my workday thinking of how much I hate this earth. I'm on a macro desk, so I just watch a stream of headlines about the world burning for 9 hours a day. Plus, I hate that I'm making these soulless rich people even richer.

The guys told me to get a girlfriend and I got an attractive genius girlfriend that's way out of my league. She doesn't understand me, but she tries her best.

My friends are all neurotypical dudebros and the rest of the people I meet see my awkwardness as rude or uncomfortable.

Therapy hasn't helped. Medication doesn't do anything but reduce my volatility. They told me after my diagnosis that this would do something.

Fundamentally, I just think this is a hostile planet. However, to live with autism is to feel like an alien on one. The natives, they know the culture, the social structures, how to traverse the terrains.

I know by now that nothing I do that society deems as goals will solve the fact that I just don't belong here.

Why can't they just let me leave? I want to go home. No amount of money or status or adoration (not that I get any) is going to solve the fact that I simply don't like it here.

How many more tasks does society want us to accomplish before it trusts our judgment that this just isn't for us?

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I think autism is a reason for suicide in itself. While I have found a social circle by joining autistic groups at my university, I personally can't handle the schooling aspect of it because of autistic burnout.

There are so many downsides to autism in so many areas of life, and worst of all subsets of neurotypical people will kick you down for it. Which like you said, makes the planet hostile. It's ironic that they urge you to live when very likely they are contributing to the problem. This is the equivalent of your school bully posting anti-bullying campaigns on social media.

 

[catfriend]

How many more tasks does society want us to accomplish before it trusts our judgment that this just isn't for us?

infinity tasks! society just expects us to 'deal with it' -- suffer this disability, and not be too loud about it.

i relate to your experience a lot. i hope you find peace, friend. :)

 

[Archness]

I think autism is a reason for suicide in itself. While I have found a social circle by joining autistic groups at my university, I personally can't handle the schooling aspect of it because of autistic burnout.

There are so many downsides to autism in so many areas of life, and worst of all subsets of neurotypical people will kick you down for it. Which like you said, makes the planet hostile. It's ironic that they urge you to live when very likely they are contributing to the problem. This is the equivalent of your school bully posting anti-bullying campaigns on social media.

Some people would think "autism is a reason for suicide in itself." Is eugenic and evil. But as an autist myself I think yea, it can lead to effectively being doomed to fail because of a defective brain. People say it has "Positives" because often the changes end up being tradeoffs but more-often-then-not they lead to being objectively worse off actually living a life. All these NT fuckers literally can't understand me, like how I can never understand them, so I can't ever honestly talk about it because 3/4 times they just gaslight me or get angry that I'm so disabled, like my experiences with mother.

 

[ishiguro]

I very much empathize with your distress. I want to share my unsolicited advice. Recently I've found some inner peace by attempting to let go. Of what? Anything. For me it's patterns of thought and rumination, though I'd also happily give up some of my tedious OCD compulsions. I think the more painful things you can successfully "stop giving a fuck" about, pardon the cliché, the happier you can be. You then might have more attention and motivation freed up to harness as you see fit. As for what specific things you want to do to make you happy, it's completely up to you. That might sound way worse than it is. In fact you don't need anyone's permission to indulge in the things you find interesting.