woofwag
Bad dog
- Sep 17, 2025
- 380
Normally I am able to understand that my inability to succeed in life is not my fault. I was dealt a very poor hand. Traumatic childhood compounded with developmental disorders (adhd, autism), physical disability (pots), truamagenic/personality disorders(c-ptsd, did, avpd, bpd), among many others. I'm trans, abused, constantly overwhelmed by the state of the world and myself, and unable to perform most daily functioning skills that any average person could. So I get it, why I'm like this.
That being said. It can never be an excuse for everything I've done and continued to do. End of the day, I'm still my own person (people?) who can make their own choices. And I very consistently make the wrong ones.
This past Friday, I had two job interviews. One was a second interview, other was just a screening. But the second interview I actually got an email that I was accepted for the job. Problem being that I did not see it until today.
Friday night I had a sleepover with a friend and got drunk and was already so sleep deprived that I didn't even think to check my email. Saturday I had already planned to go grocery shopping/hang out with a friend which took all day and was fun but exhausting. I ended up staying up super late just doomscrolling anyway. And today I check my inbox to see that I had been accepted into the program, and had 24 hours to reply before they moved on to other candidates. 24 hours since Friday. So now I've squandered that opportunity. Again.
All of those reasons I listed are still excuses. I could have checked my email at any time if I'd had the fucking professional forethought to do it. But I didn't. And this time I really am out of money. There's $25 in my bank account. Rent is $550. Both my roomies have exhausted their bank accounts and don't have a job. We're fucked. I was lazy, careless, a mess, as I always am. And now it's going to cost me living in the only place I've ever felt at least somewhat fulfilled in.
Suicide has always been my choice as a kindness to myself, not out of me thinking I "deserve" it. But now I do, because how can someone be so desperate yet so lazy and careless? It's pretty clear I can't move on from these behavior patterns. Because I've been like this my whole life. And when it keeps inconveniencing the other people around me as well as myself, well, then I do deserve to die. At the very least to be out of their lives. And the only way I can think of to do that is to ctb.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much.
That being said. It can never be an excuse for everything I've done and continued to do. End of the day, I'm still my own person (people?) who can make their own choices. And I very consistently make the wrong ones.
This past Friday, I had two job interviews. One was a second interview, other was just a screening. But the second interview I actually got an email that I was accepted for the job. Problem being that I did not see it until today.
Friday night I had a sleepover with a friend and got drunk and was already so sleep deprived that I didn't even think to check my email. Saturday I had already planned to go grocery shopping/hang out with a friend which took all day and was fun but exhausting. I ended up staying up super late just doomscrolling anyway. And today I check my inbox to see that I had been accepted into the program, and had 24 hours to reply before they moved on to other candidates. 24 hours since Friday. So now I've squandered that opportunity. Again.
All of those reasons I listed are still excuses. I could have checked my email at any time if I'd had the fucking professional forethought to do it. But I didn't. And this time I really am out of money. There's $25 in my bank account. Rent is $550. Both my roomies have exhausted their bank accounts and don't have a job. We're fucked. I was lazy, careless, a mess, as I always am. And now it's going to cost me living in the only place I've ever felt at least somewhat fulfilled in.
Suicide has always been my choice as a kindness to myself, not out of me thinking I "deserve" it. But now I do, because how can someone be so desperate yet so lazy and careless? It's pretty clear I can't move on from these behavior patterns. Because I've been like this my whole life. And when it keeps inconveniencing the other people around me as well as myself, well, then I do deserve to die. At the very least to be out of their lives. And the only way I can think of to do that is to ctb.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much.
idk what I expect of myself anymore anyway
