willitpass
The awful things we do to make the head go quiet
- Mar 10, 2020
- 3,291
I'm so fucking anxious. I nearly had a panic attack today over the smallest thing and then ended up sobbing in my car. I just want to die but I feel like I've convinced myself I won't ever be able to successfully CTB. I want nothing more than to just die. I could get a hotel again to hang myself, but I'm so convinced my SI will ruin it again. God forbid I try and fail, then my whole life is over. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I should just call off work and just sleep. But it's finals time and I have to somehow keep my life together just long enough. It's exhausting. So, so exhausting. I hope I get hit by a car. I hope I have a heart attack or a massive stroke. I hope that something just takes me out because I can't fucking do this anymore but I'm too fucking traumatized to get over the fucking SI and just kill myself. I'm in god damned hell. My mind is a mess. I'm a mess. I'm a failure of a human being who deserves to hurt.
