I dated some borderline women and some of them were pretty good at manipulating. I don't consider that fully evil. It is in some way pathological but I don't want to endure getting abused. Not all borderline women abused me. I have to count 2 of them were sort of abusive the other one's were good. I also had a very good time with them.
There is this chemistry master student who dates many men behind the back of her boyfriend. She also approached me and I was a little bit conflicted because she was in a relationship. But it once slipped she is doing that with countless men. I wonder how her boyfriend will feel if he finds it out. One might hope that he never will find it out. This must hurt as hell. I did not realize her behavior until I stumbled into a conversation between her and someone else.
Then the woman I got intimate with at the start of the year. It was an amazing time the first month. Actually too good to be true. After our date she started to act weird. Insulted me, gaslit me (which I noticed) and started to obviously lie to me. I was really confused but when I understood she had borderline I was able to proceed it. Actually, the gaslighhting was stunning. There were already some red flags with her. She was intimate with countless men and told me it was never her fault, it was always to 100% the fault of the men. Gaslighting: We had a video stream and it was obvious she was annoyed and bored. And she told me straight to my face. It is obvious that you are not interested in this call. Which was not the truth. I immediately understood this was gaslighting. She wanted to undermine my feeling to have a sound perception. I had psychosis. And you now that's sort of nasty because you already question your perception all the time. In some ways this could make me an easy target for manipulation of that sort. But I learned from other experiences. She also treated me like a stalker which really really hurt me. And this was one motive to stop the contact with her. She was ghosting me already. She never read my last message where I complimented her and thanked her for the wonderful time.
There was another borderline woman. The first woman I chatted with. She was very ill. She was extremely abusive and we had a doublebind. It caused so much pain. But I learned from that never to be that co-dependent on someone anymore.
I had the feeling some of my bullies might could have been psycho- or sociopaths. But it is a long time ago. And I dislike to think about it. I could not really defend myself properly. I am glad I can dodge such people now as an adult.
I am a vulnerable person for sure. But I have a pretty good feeling whether or not someone is abusive. After a while I can see through people. And my words and reasoning can be a weapon. I don't surround myself with toxic people anymore. Okay maybe one can say the people I mentioned earlier were toxic. Well they turned out to be toxic. But they also had good sides. And they also have good sides. For example how many compliments I received of them. Was this maybe some sort of tactic? Maybe. But I take it anyway. Lol.
I think my autism makes me an honest person. I am not good at lying. I think I have a lot of empathy. And maybe high emotional intelligence I am not sure with that. I think manipulation is not a strength of mine. I had a guilty conscience. I want to be a good person. I think maybe I manipulate people to perceive me in a certain way. I think I am good at that. I think I am pretty deep and I know a lot about myself. You can justify a lot with that because a lot of things can be true depending on which inner feeling you emphasize. I can elaborate a lot on my feelings. But there are shadows which I don't let see many people. On here I am mostly uncensored. But also in my self-help group I have a strict way in how I portray myself and in some way it is dishonest. Because I fade out things which are embarrassing for me. Look this is why I am bad at lying. I have too much of a guilty conscience.
I feel like an imposter. I have a very strong imposter syndrom. And in college so many people told me how smart I was. I think I was a complete faker. Fake it, till you make it. So maybe I am good at manipulation. But I felt so guilty for it. I was also always open that I don't feel that smart. (which did not look good)
I worked my ass off for these grades. Most of it was memorizing shit. Maybe because politics is my special interest it was easier to memorize these facts. I always act like an intelllectual but I am not doing my homework. I quit college I could not play this charade. And it truely wrecked my mental health even more. It was a nightmare. But the imposter feeling was only a small part of the pain.
Sidenote: I think my social contacts are crumbling. I am losing more and more 3 close friends. My dad is in a clinic and we don't have much contact. And my beloved self-help group might be dissolved. I don't know how to cope with that. And I am so fucking frustrated from dating.
There is this chemistry master student who dates many men behind the back of her boyfriend. She also approached me and I was a little bit conflicted because she was in a relationship. But it once slipped she is doing that with countless men. I wonder how her boyfriend will feel if he finds it out. One might hope that he never will find it out. This must hurt as hell. I did not realize her behavior until I stumbled into a conversation between her and someone else.
Then the woman I got intimate with at the start of the year. It was an amazing time the first month. Actually too good to be true. After our date she started to act weird. Insulted me, gaslit me (which I noticed) and started to obviously lie to me. I was really confused but when I understood she had borderline I was able to proceed it. Actually, the gaslighhting was stunning. There were already some red flags with her. She was intimate with countless men and told me it was never her fault, it was always to 100% the fault of the men. Gaslighting: We had a video stream and it was obvious she was annoyed and bored. And she told me straight to my face. It is obvious that you are not interested in this call. Which was not the truth. I immediately understood this was gaslighting. She wanted to undermine my feeling to have a sound perception. I had psychosis. And you now that's sort of nasty because you already question your perception all the time. In some ways this could make me an easy target for manipulation of that sort. But I learned from other experiences. She also treated me like a stalker which really really hurt me. And this was one motive to stop the contact with her. She was ghosting me already. She never read my last message where I complimented her and thanked her for the wonderful time.
There was another borderline woman. The first woman I chatted with. She was very ill. She was extremely abusive and we had a doublebind. It caused so much pain. But I learned from that never to be that co-dependent on someone anymore.
I had the feeling some of my bullies might could have been psycho- or sociopaths. But it is a long time ago. And I dislike to think about it. I could not really defend myself properly. I am glad I can dodge such people now as an adult.
I am a vulnerable person for sure. But I have a pretty good feeling whether or not someone is abusive. After a while I can see through people. And my words and reasoning can be a weapon. I don't surround myself with toxic people anymore. Okay maybe one can say the people I mentioned earlier were toxic. Well they turned out to be toxic. But they also had good sides. And they also have good sides. For example how many compliments I received of them. Was this maybe some sort of tactic? Maybe. But I take it anyway. Lol.
I think my autism makes me an honest person. I am not good at lying. I think I have a lot of empathy. And maybe high emotional intelligence I am not sure with that. I think manipulation is not a strength of mine. I had a guilty conscience. I want to be a good person. I think maybe I manipulate people to perceive me in a certain way. I think I am good at that. I think I am pretty deep and I know a lot about myself. You can justify a lot with that because a lot of things can be true depending on which inner feeling you emphasize. I can elaborate a lot on my feelings. But there are shadows which I don't let see many people. On here I am mostly uncensored. But also in my self-help group I have a strict way in how I portray myself and in some way it is dishonest. Because I fade out things which are embarrassing for me. Look this is why I am bad at lying. I have too much of a guilty conscience.
I feel like an imposter. I have a very strong imposter syndrom. And in college so many people told me how smart I was. I think I was a complete faker. Fake it, till you make it. So maybe I am good at manipulation. But I felt so guilty for it. I was also always open that I don't feel that smart. (which did not look good)
I worked my ass off for these grades. Most of it was memorizing shit. Maybe because politics is my special interest it was easier to memorize these facts. I always act like an intelllectual but I am not doing my homework. I quit college I could not play this charade. And it truely wrecked my mental health even more. It was a nightmare. But the imposter feeling was only a small part of the pain.
Sidenote: I think my social contacts are crumbling. I am losing more and more 3 close friends. My dad is in a clinic and we don't have much contact. And my beloved self-help group might be dissolved. I don't know how to cope with that. And I am so fucking frustrated from dating.
