Discussion Are we really to blame for our own suicide?

[dogemn]

People always say "suicide is selfish" or that it's somehow your fault but I don't think that's fair, not for everyone at least.
In my case, I grew up with an extremely violent, sadistic, psychopathic father who abused me physically and emotionally my entire life. Because of that I became suicidal and was put on SSRIs at just 11 years old. Almost every bit of my psychological suffering traces back to the trauma he inflicted on me.
So how can I be "to blame" if I eventually decide I can't keep living with the pain he caused? I didn't choose to be abused. I didn't choose to be shaped by that kind of suffering. If not for what he did to me, I genuinely believe I wouldn't be in this position at all.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

No I believe you are not to blame if you end up taking your life

 

[peewee]

definetely not I think most people here want to ctb because of things that happened to us. I want to ctb because my partner stabbed me in the back and got me kicked out of my community, isolating and traumatizing me. I am also 10 years younger than them. It's no ones fault if they are pushed to want to ctb. It's not selfish, only a selfish person would say its selfish

 

[jatty]

one thing that will bug me when i ever die is when people tell my abusers "it was my choice" and that its not their fault.
Yes, people who abuse you are at fault, and you should never blame yourself for attempting, when you truly feel like its the only way out.

 

[MissAbyss]

I'm sorry you had to endure so much suffering.

No, people who usually say that are ignorant, egotistical and self-righteous a-holes. Don't justify yourself to anyone for that matter.

 

[Hibiki]

i'm not really sure i'd think of suicide as something to blame for. it's a tremendously unfortunate circumstance when someone has the desire to end their life and/or goes through with it. so many factors go into it and i don't think it's realistic or practical to try and apply blame to any specific thing or individual.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

No , although the actions leading to your death is your own....it's not specifically your fault , it's your environment and the psychological effects of the people in your life .

 

[L'appel Du Vide]

I see it as personal fault if your passing is troublesome enough to the world and the suffering in life is bearable. Or perhaps if the problems were resolvable but they were unwilling to put in the time and effort to do things they know they could attempt. But it's understandable to me and I rarely judge on it myself. It's just that not taking any fault would disregard the folks who suffer as badly as anyone could yet still don't kill themselves. Like it is also their fault for forcing themselves to stay alive. If someone is in an unbearable condition to where they are likely to die naturally then I can't imagine them being at fault for it. The reasons why someone would want to die can often not be their fault though, I think that where they distinguish.

 

[Dukey]

It's really not your fault, and I get you, deeply.
If it makes you feel any better, I grew up in a nearly identical situation. My father had antisocial personality disorder. When I was 3, he dangled me over a balcony from the 3rd floor, threatening to drop me if my mother didn't come out and talk to him. He knocked her unconscious several times, even in public places like McDonald's. He kidnapped me more than once, and I spent a lot of time in safe houses.

Most of it I barely remember; I must've dissociated. I was only 6 or 7. He also abused our dogs right in front of me. I could go on, but you get the point. He eventually went to prison when I was 12 and died when I was 16. My mother was an emotional wreck, and on top of all that, I have ADHD.

Now I'm 27, and honestly, I can't remember a time when I wasn't depressed or feeling worthless, no matter how hard I tried: therapy, medication, everything. My childhood messed me up mentally for life, and it's just not fair. I truly believe that if I'd grown up with loving, stable parents and without all that trauma, my life would be completely different. I'd probably be happy, maybe even content.

That's why I don't believe suicide is selfish. People who say that usually haven't experienced real trauma. They think it's just about "changing your mindset," which is such a narrow and shallow way of seeing things. In my opinion, that's what's truly selfish, to look down on someone's pain just because they can't comprehend it.

It's the same with pro-life people. Just because they see life as sacred and they are happy, they think they have the right to force others to keep living in suffering, all while pretending it's something noble or selfless. But in truth, it's selfish and arrogant. They do it to make themselves feel good, to feel like saviors, when in reality, they're just prolonging someone else's pain.

 

[NutOrat]

I see it as personal fault if your passing is troublesome enough to the world and the suffering in life is bearable. Or perhaps if the problems were resolvable but they were unwilling to put in the time and effort to do things they know they could attempt. But it's understandable to me and I rarely judge on it myself. It's just that not taking any fault would disregard the folks who suffer as badly as anyone could yet still don't kill themselves. Like it is also their fault for forcing themselves to stay alive. If someone is in an unbearable condition to where they are likely to die naturally then I can't imagine them being at fault for it. The reasons why someone would want to die can often not be their fault though, I think that where they distinguish.

Or maybe we should blame people less overall? Why is it that there's always someone who should be at fault? I'm so fucking tired of feeling guilty about my thoughts, it's one of the main reasons for my continuous mental decline. Judging and faulting is valid in many situations, but honestly I'm sick of it. Like, does it make people feel more at ease or validated to blame someone for their own suffering? Is it to convince themselves that they're ok and it's not their problem? I think it is to deny a person basic empathy, because well you brought this on yourself, you don't deserve it. No-one is at fault for having to live and wanting to die in this wretched world.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's an interesting idea in itself because it makes the assumption that we have an obligation to stay alive. Why? For whom? Often it is for the sake of parents in particular but- they brought us into this mess! And, as you pointed out- they are sometimes very much part of the cause as to why someone has ideation to begin with. Why should someone stay here in order to be a human punch bag?

And, not only in the case of their abuse. We may be subject to abuse by others, illness, whatever else. Was this a safe environment to bring a child into in the first place? I'd argue- no, it wasn't. You don't throw a person into a lion's pit and expect them to just stay there and get ripped to shreds. They likely will try to escape!

So- shouldn't it be the world that shifts its opinion on what life is, what autonomy and choice really means. What would-be parents should be considering when they bring life here? They ought to be willing to let it leave if its life is intolerable.

As to what is considered intolerable varies from person to person. Obviously, some people's reasons for wanting to go are going to be more obvious and serious than others. Of course, I think suicide needs to be a very well considered decision but, I'm not so keen on the whole belittling- you're reasons aren't good enough spiel. None of us truly know what it's like to be that person.

I also agree with others that blaming people for suicide feels cruel. It does however depend on their circumstances- for me. If they have deliberately brought beings here- children- that depend on them, I think they have then consciously taken on obligations. The rest of us though- we've had a bunch of (unfair) obligations dumped on us.

We're kind of stuck with the emotional responsibility to try not to hurt others now. Which I think- does need deep consideration but- if people truly thought about it- I think they ought to realise that that was by no means fair. To put us in that position to begin with. Is it really fair to blame someone for (debatably) failing something they never agreed to participate in in the first place? Did they have reasonable odds to begin with even? No- most likely. Our parents can only best guessed our odds- if they even bothered to think that far.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me existence is what is so bad instead of ceasing to exist, for me voluntary death would be a positive solution to escape from all future unnecessary suffering in this cruel, torturous existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel, all I want is to be gone, I just want to never suffer again, I'll just always prefer to not exist than be burdened with this existence that just causes harm and suffering, I find it so undesirable to exist in every way.