Venting Anyone really miss their abuser?

[existentiallinguine]

I guess this is kind of my post about why I'm committing cbt in a way, but I can't even write much about it because I don't want to cry. But to make a long story short, happy Valentine's Day, I'm so lonely that I really miss my sexually abusive ex. We were supposed to go see Wuthering Heights today. We'd made plans months ago before he left me. I wasn't suicidal until I met my ex months ago. For the first time in years I'd actually cleaned out most of the rot in my life and was on my feet. I've always been in and out of horrible abusive relationships because of my horrible abusive childhood. I'm so mad at myself for even looking his way. I was so god damn close, but it's like I just can't help myself. I magnetize to the most evil man in the room without even meaning to do it. Honestly it wasn't really too terrible until he started touching me one day while watching tv when I'd explicitly asked him not to like a minute before and I froze up like an idiot. I remember telling myself "say something!" But I didn't want to say anything because I knew our relationship would be over and I'd somehow convinced myself that I could really be a part of this perfect life he had with millions of dollars in his brownstone in a nice part of the city. I thought I'd be able to fit there, even though I didn't fit just sitting there in his living room, even though he'd always kick me out a little too quickly.

I was so messed up after. I spent months defending him, trying to protect him so it didn't get out on campus and then he dumped me like I was trash. That only made things worse and then I got illegally kicked out of several classes in my theatre program for crying too much (along with a bunch of other disability related issues.) My dad is suing the school but I can't take the emotional stress of it all.

I'm ashamed to say he is still all I think about. The color of his eyes, the way he looked on top of me and how when we were sleeping he'd pull me back to him like he wanted me there. I remember how he would never tell me he'd stick around. I remember him ditching me on dates and never being there. I see him on campus almost all the time and Ive learned to avoid his walk paths. I wish he'd just go away to some rich boy school like he'd first planned while we were together, but now he's beloved on campus. I try to get projects started but i'm literally hated because of the abuse and people who know about it would rather work with him because his dad did the lighting for a long running famous show. Hell, they let him work in the dressing rooms and it's an open secret he touched me. Big fish in a small pond. I could do a title IX and i have a million and one texts of him apologizing, but to what end? It's not going to fix it or make me happy. He's going to be successful anyway and I'm just nothing. I've never been anything. I can't eat or sleep. I cry so much it gives me physical problems. He went to that fancy school in the Epstein files and everytime i hear about them, I genuinely wonder what the hell happened to him to make him this person. It's like I can't escape him.

I tried to call him before my last attempt two weeks ago because literally nobody else would pick up. When he got back to me he told me he was sorry and he wished he'd cut it off sooner. He sexually assaulted me before he even told me he loved me. He wished he'd never told me he loved me.

Anyway, I guess other than a long ass vent post, does anyone else miss a person they shouldn't, who ruined their life and treated them like shit? Anyone else that lonely? I was happier in it. I wish we'd just gone to see that stupid movie. I wish he was home with me now. I wish I hadn't complained so much and was the docile object he wanted me to be. I wish I was capable of being that woman for him. Anyway, I ordered my SN tonight. I actually can't take this anymore. Wish me luck that I escape.

 

[apistatcommander]

I was in a relationship with a man who exploited me and intentionally manipulated me. I left him and came back to him so many times and I still miss him now. I wish I could have been better for him and just behaved and done what he wanted me to do. As much as I hate him, he was the only person that made me feel wanted and attractive. And it felt good to be wanted sexually in that way even if it made me feel horrible. I'm super anxious and I'm always scared that the few friends I have don't like me, but for some reason that kind of sexual attraction felt more real and indisputable to me.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. :( You obviously did not deserve any of that at all and the world is so, so, so bad at punishing men who do horrible things to women. You're not horrible or gross or weird for having those feelings. You're not bad for missing him, even if he was a horrible person. Lots of other people feel the same way towards their abusers, and I hope you don't feel guilty or like you're in the wrong at all. I know you don't really know me, but I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I've got a week off from school, so I'll be online pretty much all week.

 

[Nightingale93]

Maybe I'm naive but I've never really understood why so many people love their abusive partners.
I mean if you were abused as a child, wouldn't you want to avoid abusive people later in life? The whole thing just makes no sense to me.