Discussion anyone else not feel like a real person? (in any way you’d like to interpret that)

[coolgal82]

for me i feel it's true in alot of ways.like how all of my personality traits or whatever just feel like different like masks thst mostly fit but not quite, and like i feel that i have like no real i guess core or anything and it's all just fake, i have no like real talents or interests or hobbies, and everything i do have like condtantly changes in like many ways.

also with how i dont feel like i truly fit in anywhere, i don't even feel human, more like an alien or a robot or an animal or like just a mish mash of them. (hence why i now go by she/it, my gender is like girl(not woman really cus i don't feel mature enough to call myself one. physically obv im 20 (almost 21) and i can provide my id to mods if needed.) +animals (think like deer, rabbit, dog, horse, and like maybe more. all in pretty equal amounts but if i had to pick any to br the most it'd probably be dog) +robot +alien. i understand if it doesnt make sense

but the thing is, for alot of stuff like this, even if i can figure it out well 1. i very much struggle with that (which is often why i make posts, cus i want people to respond with similar experiences so i can look at them and use their experiences to like iinda compare them to mine yknow?) 2. half the time i realise it i might end up convincing myself its wrong or maybe it was true and stops being true.

honestly i think the worst part is all of this means i'll likely never truly get help before the worst happens (whatever it may be) because every time i try to seek it i back down cus its scary and then im not sure if there is anything wrong with me or i dont feel like i deserve it or i just cba.

speaking of which yeah theres also alot of self hatred. i hate myself physically, mentally, emotionally, in every possible way over every possible thing. that isnt even true 100% of the time but its more true than not. i hate myself so much to the point i like hate seeking out help cus 1. its all my fault, 2. im ontologically evil and deserve death amd nothing short of dying will do, and 3. i don't wanna burden or annoy or upset people who like have worse problems or deserve it more or whatever and again 4. half the time i believe i have no issues anyway (either cus im convinced i cured them somehow or im convinced theyre all in my head.)

so yeah, if at all, how much do you relate to the o.g premise/title or even the body of the post? i'd love to hear your answers.

 

[flightless bird]

2. im ontologically evil

why would you say that?

 

[Michelstaedter]

Yesterday, I posted something similar in a Facebook group, but it was more about feeling like an outsider and other things related to being out of place. The technological age (for me in particular, since I'm in my 30s) was a hard blow to socializing. I'm awkward on social media. In person, it's difficult because most people have a distinct personality and a different outlook on life than I do, which makes me feel distant from those people, as if I were on another planet, alien to my origins.

Conclusion? I really want to die. I don't like this world; sometimes it scares me. Many people talk about having a partner, children, traveling, money, and I have no desire for it. If anything, I'd like to make a CTB deal with a girl and leave this shitty world.

P.S. No one responded to my post in the Facebook group; certainly, if not on SaSu, I feel invisible elsewhere.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

The feeling that you describe is derealization/depersonalization and it's documented in medical literature. I feel it regularly.

 

[Radiate_Ruby]

Before I start, let me say that I'm not a native English speaker and have ADHD, so I missed 50% of what you wrote, but I think I understood

I do feel like a person, but a broken one. Everything is wrong with me, I don't have friends (literally), don't have a job, ugly and whatever more. The world teaches us that we need to be productive having a job, and be socially active by having friends and a relationship. I don't have anything listed. So 100% of my day feels awkward, I feel that I failed at being a human being, I know that I deserved better, and I didn't choose to be like that, but life is not meant to be fair, so fvck that up. Life doesn't care if you failed, you will be miserable without retry. I feel depersonalization and derealization 100% of the time, so everything feels fake and sick, I'm not connected to anything. Just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. I'm not even 20 yet​

 

[coolgal82]

why would you say that?

i just feel it to be true. mainly because on many occasions i do things i and/or others think are evil and i feel bad about it, yet i just go on to repeat the action. if im able to do something i think is evil, feel bad about it, and keep doing it, does that not make me evil? (also like a few other reasons/specifics but this is the general gist)

 

[jazzcat621]

Having BPD, I feel quite the same feeling like at my core there is just a blank slate. Like every aspect of my personality is just an artfully constructed mask made to be the most pretty thing I think people would like. I don't know if I would say I'm not human, but I'm definitely not whatever everyone else around me is. As a child it was blatantly obvious given how I was ridiculed and ostracized from classmates, "friends", parents, brothers and sisters, teachers, other trusted adults, etc. Eventually I learned how to hide my differences or at least make them attractive, but at the end of the day I still just don't fit in anywhere. Even among those like me people distance themselves from me

 

[Dejected 55]

@coolgal82

Please take this the way I mean it and not how you might interpret it... A lot of your feelings of not thinking you have skills or are "fully cooked" yet are primarily due to your age. I'm not being demeaning here. At your age I had all of those same feelings and eventually learned that I had value and skills and was good at quite a lot of things. That really only comes with time. Some seem like they bloom earlier if they started at some particular skill early in life... but really, it's all about time and experience for that.

BUT, everything else you said about not feeling like you fit in or belong. That transcends time and experience. At 55 I still feel like I do not belong or fit in. I am comfortable in my own skin, and have been since my 30s... and I have a lot of good skills and qualities, etc. etc. Still, I never feel like I belong anywhere, I feel alone in a crowd. I feel like I should just be quiet and say nothing even though I feel like I have a lot to offer. Nothing I say or do seems to really matter.

So, I think you're deal with two different things. Your feeling of "worth" or "value" probably is mostly due to your age and that WILL get better over time as you find things you enjoy, find things you are good at doing... but that sense of belonging is something I can't offer you advice, because I have never conquered that.

 

[MyDeath88]

The answer is yes, and I basically relate to all of this. I've been ruined as a child (though my mental health has always been questionable) and as a means to escape my life and myself, I started excessively daydreaming instead of developing an ego. I'm really not a person with my own wants and interests; I don't really know how to "want" things outside of necessities or things that help me tune out reality, and all my interests are surface level as I just can't bring myself to care enough. My personality is non existent and I think I'm starting to accept that I am the mask. It's like seeing someone in a mascot costume, but upon taking the head off, there is no one inside, yet it still runs. It's kind of uncanny. I guess this is why I don't feel real; when I was a child I could still recognize myself in the mirror, but ever since I, all I can see is a female body. I know it belongs to me. When I move it moves, If I smile it smiles, but it's not me. Problem is there is no me, my body is all that's left now. This is probably also why I can't really connect with people, you need some level of human-ness to be able to do that. Sometimes I wish I was a cow. Yes I would be literally milked up for all I was worth and be butchered the second I ran dry, but I could spend all day grazing grass, standing, and not being able to think too deeply about life or worry too much about being inadequate.

 

[roach]

I don't feel like a real person at times since I barely exist in the real world, outside of taking a stroll for an hour at least once a day. No meaningful social interactions at all, my interests and output always mean nothing to anyone, and I don't even fit into an online group I've created anymore. My child self always fantasized about being a ghost so nobody had to bother me, but now I just feel both invisible and bothered. When everyone only really cares about what's required of you, your very being begins to lose meaning.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel more like I've rejected a lot of the social 'norms' that other people take on. I never identified strongly as a typical girl or woman. I rejected all the stereotypes there. While I have worked hard to build a career, it's creative so- it's pretty different to other jobs. It's fairly all consuming but at the same time, fairly pointless. I wanted a partner for a while but, not a family. So much shit happened with my own family that it feels fairly dysfunctional. I don't massively value wealth or status or appearance.

It's not so much that I don't feel human. It's more that I don't like complying with the things expected of a human. I don't especially want to identify as human but I don't feel like I have much choice or, the choices are bleak. If I start identifying as a sloth say and sleep instead of work- I'll end up homeless.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Throughout most of my life, I felt like a blank slate. I didn't feel like I had much of an identity and I felt like I was going through life trying to find something that I could grasp onto in order to feel more like a person. It's only very recently that I haven't found the "I feel like a blank slate" type of thoughts slithering their way around in my head. I don't think it's because I've come to develop a solid sense of who I am, since I feel like I would still have trouble answering that question outside of listing off a few vague traits, but rather I just don't think about it that much anymore.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

There are SO many things that I relate to that you experience also. Especially with the using non-human pronouns for not identifying at human. I don't believe I exist in a way that matters and all my interests and my personality are just amalgamations of the people I knew. I don't have original thoughts or feelings. I don't know... and also the hating yourself and not wanting help because the pain you did it to yourself and the feeling of being evil so why bother burdening others with something that feels deserved. I'm not good at anything and I'm too stupid to learn anything new. Nothing I do has left any positive or meaningful impact on anyone I knew and I just seem to make everyone miserable because I'm an inherently miserable thing to be around. I'm a blank slate that copies everyone around me because everyone else is correct and right and good and I am bad, wrong, and defective.

 

[Namelesa]

I don't feel real in that i feel like someone like me shouldn't even exist with the lots of different mental problems I have.

I do relate to a lot to the self hatred bit about this thread as i feel like a lot of bad things happening to me is my fault and i deserve it cus I am an evil person (not cus of repeating same action but doing keep doing different immoral actions) and that I feel like i shouldn't even be suffering this much and have these problems cus of lack of abuse in my life and so i shouldn't cause more pain by burdening others with whatever I am dealing with.