Anyone else had to deal with psychosis?

[fedup1982]

I think it was the way my brain found to survive the first months to a trauma that destroyed my life forever. The idea of dying soon was scary due to SI, but I felt lighter from the other problems I had. Especially I wasn't thinking about how to handle with that for the rest of my life. After I realized I wouldn't die I stopped to eat during 2 weeks loosing 20 kg, and when I started to eat again I didn't feel any taste. I've been ending up in the hospital every week for panic attacks which didn't let me breathe or feel my heart and I had several hallucination every day. After a long pharmacological treatment I reduced those episodes but now it's starting again and I'm sick of it.

Btw I feel you. I always wonder if what I lived was real or not. But I think the answer is in the middle. All human beings are used to consider real only experiences that can share with others, but what do we really know about us and life in this little planet? I think we just need to belive we already know everything we experience with, cuz the aware of not knowing something is frightening..


Here one of my episodes I wrote last year:

It's morning,
around 7:30, and I've spent the whole night half asleep.
I find myself lying in bed, my face turned outward, my eyes half-closed.
I must have just woken up, I tell myself, although I can't remember the exact moment I became aware.
From the foot of the bed next to me, I feel a vague silhouette approaching me.
Her hand gently caresses my back, its air cold yet reassuring.
I think it's my sister, but I'm too tired to close my eyes or open them fully.
I imagined she just wanted to be next to me, and I thought that was fine.
Immediately afterward, she decides to lean against the right side of the bed, which begins to sink.
I remain absent until the figure rises and prepares to cast its shadow on my back.
Now it's behind me, intent on lying on top of me.
Its strange body begins to press and progressively advance, compressing my ribs with its weight.
At that point, I turn to look for visual confirmation, but there's no one there.

God that must have been terrifying. On the plus side it seems like your mind is processing it gradually but we'll, I hope that continues for you. Some things in life are so traumatic and this is one of them!

I don't know what is up with me. Every time I tried getting help in the past they just wanted to give me SSRIs. I suggested needing something else but they refused.
Maybe that's what I have. I've had many issues with understanding people, making friends, communicating. I think I'm getting through to someone and connecting but then they stop talking to me. I don't know. I've had paranoid thoughts before bc I don't know what's wrong.

Yeah it does sound like you need something other than SSRIs! But I'm not a doctor, maybe they're doing you a favour, maybe they're making a mistake, its hard to know. If uncertain maybe get a second opinion if that's possible? Finding it hard to connect with people is its own problem, without social ties its all too easy to completely spiral

 

[claviceps.purpurea]

God that must have been terrifying. On the plus side it seems like your mind is processing it gradually but we'll, I hope that continues for you. Some things in life are so traumatic and this is one of them!

Yeah it does sound like you need something other than SSRIs! But I'm not a doctor, maybe they're doing you a favour, maybe they're making a mistake, its hard to know. If uncertain maybe get a second opinion if that's possible? Finding it hard to connect with people is its own problem, without social ties its all too easy to completely spiral

I think i will never able to process what I lived and I'm still living. it's undeniable that I feel better, cuz I have few psychosis, hallucinations and I can work and study again now, but I don't know if I can stand the rest of my life with this weight. It's interesting because apparently people think I'm cured now, I can work and study and look like the all-time sunny person I have been. However, what I think is that this world is not made for me anymore, maybe it never was and I'm realizing it.