Venting Another boring rant

[usernamesarehard]

I cried today. Like uncontrollable sobbing, crying so hard that snot drips out of your nose like water. I haven't had that in a while. I used to be able to, but all the songs that affected me don't anymore.

My ex played a song and that one did finally get me to cry. Well the combo of that and him telling me he didn't love me romantically and probably never would. Something happened the other night that made me question his feelings and gave me a little hope, not much, but just enough where him saying that hurt.

I think I'm making peace with the idea I might ctb sometime soon. I think originally, when I started this thread, I didn't want to ctb for the right reasons. I don't want to get into it right now, or maybe ever. But, yeah. I think now my reasons are more reasonable. That's not the word I'm looking for.

Anyway, I'm currently reading 'suicidal, why we kill ourselves' and something that was mentioned in the book was that fake suicide notes, written by people who aren't suicidal, refer to other people and real suicide notes often focus on the person ctb. This is because suicidal people focus inwards.

I think I was in a vulnerable state when I first started this thread and wanted to ctb for the wrong reasons. Now my reasons are focused on me and my pain.

Idk, this all just feels pointless.

I feel better about the break up after crying, but I'm still pessimistic about dating. Which is hard. I loved him and felt safe with him. I want that again. But I don't want to get hurt again. And it feels like no one will ever love me the way he does. He said one night that he'd kill someone if they hurt me. I believe him. I think he would legitimately kill someone for me, even if I didn't want him to. I never asked him and he never said it, but I wouldn't be surprised if he said he would die for me to keep me safe.

To be clear, I never would want him to kill anyone for me. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. Best case he ends up in jail for the rest or his life, worst case he ends up getting himself killed. I do still love him and I don't wish for anything bad to happen to him. But I do believe him when he says that.

I don't know why he would. I'm not that special. And I'm not even that good of a person. I really don't know what he sees in me. Or what he saw in me.

My medication has been making me feel sick.

I think I'm done for now. I feel kind of lonely, so I guess I'll post here when I want to 'text' someone else.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I think I'm going to ctb this November. I'm just done. I am feeling better about the breakup after crying and I think my ex and I have a better relationship (as friends) since his revelation on shrooms.

Still though, I only want to be with him. I'll try going out and seeing what happens, but I think the breakup broke me and I won't be able to be fixed. I've been passively suicidal for years, almost a decade now. It wasn't until the breakup that I became actively suicidal.

I'm just tired and ready to go. I don't want to deal with the emotional pain anymore.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I think I only have one month left. Unless I pussy out. Which I probably will.

The heartbreak makes it seem like nothing's worth it.

But ignoring that. I'm just so....bored.
I'm so mind numbingly bored.
I don't look forward to anything. I wake up. Meander around for a bit. Go to work. Do a little work and then meander some more. Go home. The cycle repeats again. I used to look forward to the weekends. Now it's just 2 days of hell. I have nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one to see. The day passes by and nothing happens and nothing was done.

My plan for the next month is drink and sleep to get through the week and then I can ctb at the end of the month.

There is something that would keep me from doing that, but I doubt it would happen.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Well, I think the end is near. I told myself I wouldn't ctb if certain events happen and even though I still have one week left to try to make one of them happen, the sad truth of the matter is neither of them will.

I've decided that I'm going to ctb on the 31. I spent probably a half hour today crying about my shitty nonexistent dating life. I tried to pick up smoking, but I just can't. It doesn't do anything for me. I hate this. I have nothing to cope. I'm too much of a pussy to try to find drugs. I can't drink alcohol. I can't smoke. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Ctb is the only thing I have now. It's the only thing that will take away the pain. I've cried a few times his week over my dating life.

I'm just tired and done. There's nothing I care about, nothing I want.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I'm posting this here because I just need to vent and I don't want to make a separate post.

I was supposed to ctb on the 31 of last month, so 3 days ago. I didn't because my method wasn't the best and I didn't feel like making another attempt.

Today I'm starting to regret that choice. I'm extremely tired, easily irritable, and deeply unhappy. I miss my ex very badly. I'm extremely sad that we'll never get married. I don't feel like dating, partly because it's so hard for me and partly because I only want him.

On the dating side of things, I don't go out much, so I use dating apps. Dating apps suck. I've: -talked to 2 different busy for a month and never got asked on a date -had guys that matched with me either go straight into talking about sex or talk for a bit and then go into sex, but we never went on even 1 date -found a guy that was actually looking for something serious only for him to again go into talking about sex before we've even met and on top of that he's looking for commitment way too fast. We hadn't even met and he's talking about what we're going to do when we introduce our parents to each other. We don't know if we even like each other enough to want to meet each other's parents, let alone have our parents meet.

Dating is fucking terrible. Apps suck. I can't really tell if I'm actually attracted to a guy since attraction, usually for women in general but for me in specific, for me is based on just being around a specific guy for a long period of time. All the guys I match with are either totally out of my league or guys I'm simply not attracted to. None of the guys I'm actually attracted start a conversation or respond to a message I send. And I'm not talking about conventionally attractive guys with six packs, I'm just talking about average looking guys who I'm attracted to. The guys who do seem the most interested in me are the guys I'm not attracted to, I just swiped right because I was in a period of feeling desperate and said fuck it, sure why not.

I have no reason to continue living. I can't get a boyfriend, so staying for a partner is out of the question. I don't have any hobbies I love enough to want to stay alive to do them. I don't love my job enough to want to stay for them. I don't care about getting a degree. I had dreams of going to college to major in business to help my ex start a company since he said one of his dreams was to start his own company, but obviously I'm not doing that. I can't leave the city I'm in, let alone the state. Everything that's in a nice area around here is too expensive for me. I can only afford to live in the city if I want to live alone. I can't get a job in a different state. The job market in america is really bad right now. Tons of layoffs, tons of people unable to get jobs. I don't think I'll be able to get another job in this economy. And another job in a different state? Getting a job in a different state was already hard because employers don't want to take a chance that you won't move and would prefer to hire someone already in state. Now add that the job market has turned to shit and you can see why I'm not too optimistic that I'm going to get a new job in a different state. Also add that I don't have a special skill set or advanced knowledge on something, making me marketable by virtue of the fact that I have skills that no one else has.

I can't stop thinking of all the things we did together that I wanted to do again because I ruined the experience with my depression, all the things I wanted to do over. I can't stop thinking of all the things we never got to do.

I know I'll make another attempt, maybe Friday night, definitely Saturday night. I think I'll kill myself on Saturday. I'm going with suffocation via trashbag. I know it'll work, millions of people have died this way. I would be able to stop myself if I really wanted to, but I don't think I will.

The situation I'm in now is completely hopeless, I can't see anything happening to make my situation better. I'm not getting back with my ex, I'm not finding a boyfriend in 2-3 days. I haven't heard back from any of the jobs I applied to. I'm not getting a new job. I can't leave the city. I can't leave the state. I hate my life. I'm depressed and have no desire to recover. I have no reason to recover.

The other night I was pretty horny and finally caved in an masturbated. I've been trying not to because it only makes things harder. I start thinking about sex and missing the connection with another person you get with sex that you don't get with masturbating. I think that's what broke me. Using a dildo is so much more lonely and unsatisfying.

For as long as I can remember things have always been easy and worked themselves out for me. I've not really had to put too much effort into anything. I got good grades in school, passed tests easily, got 2 pretty good jobs with minimal effort. And now my luck has run out. Things aren't working or if they will work themselves out, like if I actually will be hired by one of the jobs I applied to, they aren't working fast enough.

This will probably be one of my last posts. I plan on taking a small break from sasu.
I really hope I can do it. I don't know what I'll do if I can't. I can't live like this. And I don't want this to not work because I'll feel like a failure. I know it's said all the time here that backing out is ok and there's always plenty of time to make another attempt, if you're not ready then you shouldn't. I was reading another thread and one person said to not commit just because it's an honor thing. But when you're telling others you're going to commit and then you don't it feels like you're just saying it for attention. Not because you actually have any plans to actually commit. I guess that's why I'm posting this here instead of making a separate thread. If I make a separate thread people are more likely to read and reply. If I post this here, people are more likely to ignore this. This will get hidden by all the other boring rants.