Discussion Anniversary of my Latest Attempt

[deny_conformity]

The 30th of March marks the one year anniversary of my latest attempt, probably the closest I've been to actually being successful - I was in a coma for a week and was given two blood transfusions to survive. I'm now sort of determined to recover and was wondering how I should mark the occasion or how I should even feel about it.

On the one hand it feels morbid to do anything, but at the same time it was a big moment in my life and it feels weird not mark the occasion in some way. I was speaking to my counsellor about it and I don't even know how I feel about it. Should I be happy I survived? Depressed I wasn't successful?

I think maybe I just want certain people to reach out and say something, offer some support or words along the lines of "I'm glad you didn't manage to CTB". Deep down I know that I'm likely the only one who even registers that it's notable day. I have the day off work as "birthday leave", and in a way it's a moment like a birthday - the day I was "saved" from nearly dying and started to get the support I needed a year ago when I was spiralling out of control.

What would you do?

 

[U. A.]

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[deny_conformity]

[Hidden content]

NDE is definitely the way I would describe it, though it's not how I thought about it until I read you describe it that way. I guess going forwards I will describe it that way so thank you for that . Now it can be a coma/NDE rather than a CTB attempt.

I might reach out on the day if no one does. There are only a couple of people I care about noting the day with me but they aren't people I feel like I could reach out to for various reasons (like one being a former mental health professional or another being my ex-wife's mother). I think it describes something about my relationships taht

 

[Kamaainakupua]

The 30th of March marks the one year anniversary of my latest attempt, probably the closest I've been to actually being successful - I was in a coma for a week and was given two blood transfusions to survive. I'm now sort of determined to recover and was wondering how I should mark the occasion or how I should even feel about it.

I think you already have marked the occasion, in a venue where people can understand and relate to the significance, and support you in your current choices.

On the one hand it feels morbid to do anything, but at the same time it was a big moment in my life and it feels weird not mark the occasion in some way. I was speaking to my counsellor about it and I don't even know how I feel about it. Should I be happy I survived? Depressed I wasn't successful?

Both? The emotional roller-coaster ride isn't over, and this anniversary may be like going down the long drop, or even a loop, but instead of forcing your emotions, maybe just identifying and processing, without judgment. "I am happy I survived" "I am depressed I wasn't successful". Both are valid, and it's natural to feel both, even at the same time.

I think maybe I just want certain people to reach out and say something, offer some support or words along the lines of "I'm glad you didn't manage to CTB".

Hey, guess what! I'm reaching out and saying, "I'm glad you missed the bus!"

Deep down I know that I'm likely the only one who even registers that it's notable day. I have the day off work as "birthday leave", and in a way it's a moment like a birthday - the day I was "saved" from nearly dying and started to get the support I needed a year ago when I was spiralling out of control.

I noted it, too. Because you posted it. Thank you for sharing it with us, as it is obviously significant.

What would you do?

Funny you should ask...
The 30th anniversary of my first attempt was earlier this year, and while every year for the last 29 I have had different levels of anxiety, and responded differently, this year I tried to just let it be another day. My therapist didn't even bring it up, which helped, and I managed to not let the date interfere with the day.

Only you can know what's best for you, but identifying your emotions, and their intensity can help guide you. If you feel more gratitude about survival, there's a forum for that. If the disappointment is crushing you, there's a forum for that.

Both have members that would appreciate your honesty, and who might benefit from hearing your experience. I know I did, so thank you.

And, if no one else says it, you can rely on me to say, "I'm glad you missed the bus!"

 

[deny_conformity]

Both? The emotional roller-coaster ride isn't over, and this anniversary may be like going down the long drop, or even a loop, but instead of forcing your emotions, maybe just identifying and processing, without judgment. "I am happy I survived" "I am depressed I wasn't successful". Both are valid, and it's natural to feel both, even at the same time.

I think it's definitely both, I'm not happy I survived but I am happy I survived without any long term damage. I'm pretty much fully functioning with a little more PTSD (need to make the cPTSD even more complex).

Hey, guess what! I'm reaching out and saying, "I'm glad you missed the bus!"

Thank you, I'm glad you missed the bus too and are sat here with me.

Only you can know what's best for you, but identifying your emotions, and their intensity can help guide you. If you feel more gratitude about survival, there's a forum for that. If the disappointment is crushing you, there's a forum for that.

I don't think I'm at a stage where I'm grateful I survived, as I used to tell my care coordinator "I only mostly regret surviving".

I still feel like my life is empty and devoid of meaning. I don't have a reason to live but I also don't have a burning need to die. I'm attempting to find a reason to live before the need to die builds again. So here I find myself in the recovery forum talking to stangers and trying to find meaning.

 

[deny_conformity]

After speaking to my counsellor I decided I would do a low key thing to mark the event. I just wanted to go out for a few drinks with my housemate. When I asked my housemate she said we should open it up to our wider friend group. There are now three of us going for drinks (it was a little short notice for the rest). As my housemate put it:
"I am very much up for celebrating denyconformity's continued presence in our lives. With beer."

 

[I Me & Myself]

Going for drinks sounds like a good plan :] I'm glad you didn't manage to ctb, too. Your advice has been very valuable to me.

I think part of healing is also opening up to your housemate/friends about how this is meaningful to you in a sorta bittersweet way. So I'm glad you did that. It would suck if this day only remained depressing, doing something lowkey with people you like is so much better than just contemplating the day itself.

People celebrate all sorts of anniversaries. And I think this one had a bigger impact than any anniversary of the day someone drank his first beer (something I actually saw people celebrate) ;]

Have fun!

 

[deny_conformity]

Going for drinks sounds like a good plan :] I'm glad you didn't manage to ctb, too. Your advice has been very valuable to me.

I'm glad you're still here and recovering, helping others keep me outside of my head. Inside my head isn't a great place to be so thank you .

I think part of healing is also opening up to your housemate/friends about how this is meaningful to you in a sorta bittersweet way. So I'm glad you did that. It would suck if this day only remained depressing, doing something lowkey with people you like is so much better than just contemplating the day itself.

I hope one day I will celebrate it and make it a big deal, I'm not sure I'll ever want to live but it would be nice not to not want to die. Maybe with the right support, therapy, and drugs I will get there. Then the 30th of March would become a celebration first and foremost. Right now it's more something I'm doing for my friends (per my housemate's suggestion).

People celebrate all sorts of anniversaries. And I think this one had a bigger impact than any anniversary of the day someone drank his first beer (something I actually saw people celebrate) ;]

Like my first suicide attempt I don't remember the day I had my first beer - there have now been too many beers to count. Maybe we should be celebrating more arbitrary dates - it would give us more things to look forward to over the year.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

And in my mind, I make mountains out of molehills with the dates I made a stupid attempt and everyone knew so I wound up hospitalized ( also my sasu anniversary) and made an even more stupid attempt that no one knew about which just made me feel so alone. I think my brain would explode if I had to factor in the ramifications of an NDE on top of it. Really feel for ya.

I hope the day can go as smoothly as possible for you. What your housemate said is incredibly sweet. definitely lean into that if you are in recovery mode. Good luck!

 

[I Me & Myself]

Maybe we should be celebrating more arbitrary dates - it would give us more things to look forward to over the year.

You're so right, actually. I think I'll add the day I found the clinic cat to my calender to celebrate next year (probably by getting him some treats)