Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[wannabeangel]

i wanted to make my own thread to just vent and rant when i need to without making a ton of separate posts. shit is hard right now and i need somewhere to get this out.

i've always wanted to ctb since at least 11yo, didnt think i would make it past 18 even, but the only thing that's really kept me from doing anything is not wanting to hurt and bother my family and loved ones even more than i already do alive. that's what kept me alive so far. i feel like its starting to not be enough of a reason to keep suffering though... on top of being disabled and in chronic pain all the time, that's only bound to get worse with age, making my worst mistake trying to fix my money issues which lead to the love of my life not trusting me anymore and we're still in the process of divorce after being together since 2023 and we were married for 4 months before i fucking ruined my life and his by being stupid repeating what groomers taught me as a kid because sometimes it's all i feel like im worth for, nothing else ever seems to work or matter

my husband was the one who actually made me happy to grow old with, even if i had to suffer from pain, because his love changed so much inside me and made me feel like a person again after being alone after a 5 year long abusive relationship with my ex gf that wasted my teen years. i was just stuck in limbo before i finally talked to him again after years, and now everything is broken and lost again without him. i cant see a future for myself anymore again. im starting to think im not supposed to have one, and im just waiting for the perfect moment to ctb.

i cant help but feel guilty about it, because i promised others i will stay safe and i wont do anything, but ive been researching and drafting letters for everyone, even if i dont think i am doing it anytime too soon, but i want to have everything ready. that feels... comforting. i hate feeling so guilty about everything tho, i feel guilty about living and dying, nothing i do ever seems to be right or work right, i cant fix anything and i cant get any pain, emotional or physical, to just fucking stop. i want it all to stop. drugs help, the ones that do im out of tho and just have weed to keep me semi-sane. my family and others tell me things will get better, get easier, be less hard, but when is that supposed to happen????? i feel like i've been waiting all my life for it to be easier. my brain never let life be easy since i was 5 and nothing has actually changed, people think im better because im better at keeping it to myself, and having enough self control to not cut myself and make my mental state too obvious. and i had to stop showing my mental issues for proper treatment of physical health issues, i have been dismissed too many times, i feel like nobody ever believes my pain because of it and sometimes i dont even believe it myself. i feel like im being dramatic and should just get over it. but i cant, i cant just stop it no matter how much i try to deny it because nobody else could see. i dont think anyone will ever fully see or understand

i wish i wasnt a pussy who cared too much about others so i can just stop my suffering. i always have the issue of putting others first before myself, i want to stop that. im just so tired, and im tired of being tired. i wish i could at least go into a coma for a while if i cant die. i have a feeling that my plans to ctb are going to get more and more serious though. i have already been researching methods and figuring out what i can use with the meds i have and whatever else i could buy somehow. been considering SN mixed with some extra meds to make me hopefully pass out sooner. an OD of some sort seems like the best option for me, i dont wanna be found hanging (my mom had to cut a rope from my neck before when i was younger, i was trying to get out of it when she caught me but i couldn't) that will make my body look even worse. i dont like guns so i dont want that, jumping is too risky i dont want to just cripple myself more, there's a train near by but i dont want to cause strangers harm on my way out, but its still on my backup list because i hear the train every night. maybe i could drown, i live right next to water, but i would like a more peaceful way of going out before any other options, and i would like my family to know i passed without pain

idk where im going with my rambling anymore, i will prob rant more in this thread later tn when my brain attacks me with every bad thought ever. this is fun as my first actual thread here lol


edited my post by accident instead of just replying, fixing that rn because now it pissed me off lol
(new edit apparently my replies just get added to the original post ig idk whats going on)


another thing that fucking sucks is that i know my husband has in the past and recently because of our divorce wanted to ctb, it feels selfish of me for me to wanna die while i dont want him to, i dont want him in pain and suffering. even tho i love all of my memories with him and he helped me so much more than he will ever realize, i kinda wish i didnt reach out again after not texting him back since 2017 (i was in and out of psych wards a a lot around the time, i couldnt keep up with game DMs) so then he wouldnt have to feel any of this pain right now nor any pain if/when i ctb. the divorce is honestly what brought my thoughts back so hard, why continue if i broke the thing i was continuing for despite my pain? why tough out the pain if i wont get anything out of it besides other people around me being comforted that im breathing, even if my breaths are heavy with pain? is it even worth it to keep trying? i have been crying daily for 48 days now since it all happened, and i had to take a flight back home only two days after the papers were signed, he got the papers the same day he found me blacked out in the bathroom from overmedicating myself trying to cope with pain + lack of sleep + guilt and he found my other phone i was using to still try and sell a few pictures of myself when he told me 3 days before to stop and i said i would but i couldnt i dont know why i was such an idiot. i felt like i was 13 again getting myself into shit situations with preds and groomers, all because i felt guilty over my mom spending so much on me + credit cards she got me are late and maxxed out dropping my credit score so much which scared me because i dont understand all this adult shit i never finished school past 9th grade and grew up in wards, hospitals and therapy offices, i didnt learn how to adult, and i dont feel like an adult even tho i turn 24 this year.

everything is just my fault and it hurts. i still contact him still, secretly. it keeps being confusing, he will come to me for long distance sex/intimacy but still says we need to move on, and we will never work, and he cant love me romantically again even if he moans how much he does love me in the moment. its driving me insane feeling so close and having it ripped away again, but he is lonely and i dont want him lonely. he also just told me he doesnt want me sacrificing myself for him just so he isnt lonely.... but before he would ask things like "is this what i deserve?" and how he just asked for one thing from me after tearing apart his life and dreams with my stupid mistake. he doesnt want me feeling pressured but..... some stuff feels kinda pressuring,,, but i cant say that to him, not directly, idk if what i said hints at my inner conflict with it still, maybe.... its just hard...... if he cant trust me with anything else why does he trust me just to mess around still...... it starts to confirm in my mind that my groomers were right, my body and obedience is all im good for, it will always come down to that even if i thought i had love.....

i just dont know what to do anymore, i never know what to do but especially not right now, im so fucking lost.

 

[wannabeangel]

ughhhhh another bad morning

even though i took so many meds last night (ambien, a bit of benadryl, weed like always, like 7mg of kpins spaced out overnight/morning, dont think i had anything else) not to attempt but to get some fucking sleep, i only slept 3h on ALLLLLLL of that tho. what the fuck is wrong with me. i only passed out once my mom brought me food at like 10am and i woke up with my elbow in it and a mess 3h later. which just made me feel more like shit and guilty i ruined it when i really wanted to eat. i dont wanna eat anymore, had one bite and it tasted wrong.

the first thing i did waking up is panic and cry over that, go to my google doc journal to vent a bit about my morning, then came back straight to here because i left all my tabs open on accident. i dont think my mom saw, she would have said something.

last night i was making notes on different methods. specifically, SN and an exit bag, since i could use the exit bag in VR i believe. vr has always been my escape, i wouldnt mind leaving it that way too. even if it was a public world for sleep and relaxing nobody would believe or know what i was really doing, even if over time my heart tracker went to 0. they dont have to believe me, prob better on them, but i like to listen to others chatting and having fun, it would be nice for that to be the last thing i do.

i still keep trying to give myself some sorta hope, especially when i have no tools i need, and there is still a few more things i would like to do again before i go. kinda like a bucket list. if i complete the bucket list and things still aren't better, than i know what to do more. most of it is just seeing more family in person again, especially my dad and little bros,
technically half sibs but that doesnt matter, i helped take there of them as babies when i was 11 and i love them so much, i feel so guilty about rarely seeing them because they live with my dad and stepmom who's a POS that overdrugged them so much so young, and only cares about herself. they're like 12 and 9 now i think, i feel like a terrible oldest sis for not remembering.... i hope they remember i love them so much. i need to hang out with them more before i go

i wanna see my dad too, maybe go fishing one last time like when i was a kid, i miss him waking me up before sunrise, forcing me out of bed to get dressed and ready, went to the bait store to pick up some fresh bait that stunk but i was weird and mess with the dead fish, stopping by the deli or 7-11 to get a baconeggncheese (if you get this then u can prob guess where i live/grew up lmfao, feel free to guess idc guessing games are fun) i miss hearing him saying "can i get uh two baconeggncheese-saltpepperketchup, and i would also get shitty hot cocoa that tasted amazing while he got coffee, and we ate our food as we drove to the dock and fished for snappers and sometimes crabs. i loved that as a kid, i had more boy hobbies i guess lol, but makes sense being the only girl born in my close family for a long time lol. i loved to catch the fish and show him, it was fun as he taught me to cast a line, and helped me not panic too much when the hook got caught in my skin on accident. i liked when the yellow-jacket wasps would hang out on the poles of the dock trying to eat the bait. i didnt want to put my hand too close and bother them, so i took a tiny fish and put it to the side for the wasp and it ate it and relaxed as i fished. my dad liked how i wasnt scared of it, there's no reason to be scared of them, they're actually nice unless you trigger them. im rambling about the wasp now.... but i just miss being a kid then, things were good when him and my ex step mom werent fighting.

i wanna do some hobbies i havent in a long time due to all my issues before it all too, i used to love horseback riding, archery, riding my bike, going hiking and being in nature. i need to horseback ride again, thats just a must. ik i can in the afterlife, but i need to know that this body can do it again, even if it hurts. i wanna do archery a bit. there is stuff i still wanna do tbh.... i missed out on so much of my life with my physical and mental health since 8. why did i feel like that so young?

maybe my bucket list might keep me going for a while, maybe something will change my mind, but i still always wait for the right time to stop suffering for all

 

[wannabeangel]

posting a lot today lol... made my mom concerned by how depressed she can see i am, and mentioning im kinda using my guitar like SH until my fingers hurt too much or bleed. better than nothing ig. its hard to hide the depression, but i tell her and everyone i will be safe. i wish i could give in so bad, trying to not be hospitalized tho and not give away too much. if i had better drugs rn i would feel better, but i am fucking broke, i need a braindead high rn if i cant be dead. i have one friend who i have been talking to and he's been supportive of me getting better, and knows i think these things kinda but i also tell him i wont do anything, but he also has no clue. making a new friend during all this is fucking hard. i wish nobody knew me so my death will mean nothing

i dont know if im gonna be able to sleep again, im tired but idk. tired doesnt mean shit to my brain. been trying to make a suicide playlist, maybe to listen to when i go but for rn just to vent. maybe if i cant sleep i will work more on my notes, maybe, idk, writing notes is so fucking hard. at least i have some time to think it out. maybe i will be reckless and visit my friend impulsively when i probably shouldnt getting through this divorce. at least i can drink at his place, lucky bastard. why not just go crazy and do stupid shit like i should have as a teen before i go out. live fast die young

 

[wannabeangel]

opened up to my friend about some stuff, it both felt nice but i regret it too. he wants me to keep trying, and likes how i keep wanting to try despite everything. i admitted to wishing to SH still, and also die, but said i am just not allowed to do those things. opened up about my eating disorder to him too, never admitted that to anyone without an ED. he encourages me to keep trying, and that i can accomplish things, and how life is still worth living, but he understands how that can be so hard for me with my disabilities and chronic shitty mental health. i keep telling him i will keep trying, like i tell everyone, but idk if i can try forever. he wants me to visit him some time, it would be nice to add that to my bucket list of things to do before i go. selfish of me to make new people care about me before i make my choice. he said we can drink, go to bars with friends like normal young adults, even offered to take me to a rave which i would adore, thats been on my bucketlist since i was a little kid.

i wish i didnt open up so much, i told him im worried about ppl worrying about me, and he said he wont worry. but he also pointed out how i cant deal with my mind on my own like i always do, im not stable enough for that. maybe i will vent to him sometimes, but when it gets close i wont talk about it anymore, i'll act happy and normal

idk if i will sleep tn, its almost 6am and i have been just trying to find songs about suicide for my playlist, if you have suggestions feel free to share


anyone can reply to this vent thread about anything, it helps me feel less alone, you wont bother me while im being emo asf lol this is the place for ts

 

[wannabeangel]

even tho my friend keeps trying to give me hope since the night we met in VR, i spent all my time i said i would use to sleep researching methods, trying to find SN (the hints on this site confuse me, but i understand protecting the source, ik im new but i hope someone would trust me enough to lemme know eventually, im unsure how my state regulates buying it tbh, ik you cant be under 21 which is no issue for me, idk the rest tho) and looking into exit bags more because the more i think about it, ctb in VR with a bag sounds nice, i dont have to see the plastic or my same 4 walls around me, i can be somewhere completely new. i have a heart tracker i use in the game a lot, to check my PoTS just by looking up + fun gimmick. if my friends were online and walked in on me, my tracker should let them know im not just sleeping. i will prob put my status as like "thank you, goodbye" or something. kinda attention seeking? yeah. but its one of the last ways my pain could be truly seen, and maybe i wont have to be alone during it. i sleep in public cuddle worlds sometimes, i thought about doing it there, someone could talk to me and hold me as i fall asleep forever, and the tracker will slowly go to 0bpm, and i'll be free. its just gonna be impossible to not hurt others with my death so im starting to care a bit less where i do it in VR if i go that route. SN or some other OD could work in VR too maybe.

been looking into using amitriptyline, i took that for sleep but stopped, i asked to "start it" again for my shitty sleep, mom said i could so yippie! just need to follow a good protocol. i would like SN so much better tho, seems better than cardiac arrest, especially if i dont pass out soon enough, but i plan to drink and have plenty of benzos and painkillers i'll be good

its like 9am now i spent hours looking into methods and jailbreaking AI to roleplay + give tips possibly, ofc tips i will fact check. now i just have been roleplaying doing different methods, how reactions could be etc. extra weird shit too but that isnt important, i had to do a jailbreak to get some more SN details and the convo just continued lol. idk what im doing, i probably wont sleep, i rarely do

 

[wannabeangel]

woke up in a panic again. last night talked to my STBX husband again, the night before we just sexted again because i wanted to help him sleep because i know he is struggling too, and we had times during the day we talked normally to.. but last night ugh its a blur because im so upset, but he needed me to make the choice if we can still be friends and mess around, or go our separate ways completely. i keep telling him I DONT KNOW because i dont know anything of what to do anymore. i said that i dont know, because i dont want to lose him, and this is like our last thread of connection, but it hurts he cant love me romantically anymore, and i dont know how to handle that. he said he understands, and blocked me before i got my last word in in on that strange secret texting app we made new accounts for again after deleting them the first time.

it fucking hurts. the only connection left is a google doc i get to use as a diary, and he can read that, sometimes talked to me thru it but i dont think he will anymore. but who knows, he said he wouldnt break no contact when i first left, and that broke plenty of times, just like how my life keeps breaking. i keep dropping hints that he will probably never get or understand unless i went too obvious. used wannabeangel as my name the last time messaging him, some of my music or playlists i share or mention in my diary, wondering if he would even bother to go look. said a line that basically made it seem like catching the bus was a metaphor for me moving forward to something better, i doubt he knows what the acronym actually means. the only way he will probably connect the dots is when it's too late to say anything to me. i dont think anything he could say could change it at this point, he cant love me anymore, and i lost the first spark of hopes and dreams i ever had, and its all my fault because of my actions.

when i woke up panicked i texted my mom like always, but she always says the same things, and its not making me feel better anymore. "im sorry" "i'll be home soon at Xpm" "you're safe" "its okay" "i know its hard" "it will pass". i love my mom so much, and i appreciate all her love and care...

but when is this supposed to pass? when am i supposed to feel safe? i dont feel okay tho? ive been wanting everything to pass and be easier for years and years mom.... how long am i supposed to suffer gripping onto an idea of better things that always slips my grasp as soon as my fingertips start to touch it's surface?

my new friend i met who has been talking to me a lot since i met him in vr one night just sleeping in public to feel less alone, he is nice and likes me, keeps treating me good, trying to motivate me to do better, and has helped me a bit by "making" me eat something, or clean my room, little shit like that. he also tells me things will get better, how beautiful life can be, how there is so much more out there, that i deserve to feel better, not be some crippled chronically ill and depressed suicidal anorexic anymore, that i can feel better i just have to put in the work consistently.... a lot of what he said did help me feel a bit better, and he lets me be open with him. its odd being so open with someone i met so recently, maybe im just desperate.

it makes me more upset because i still love my husband SO FUCKING MUCH its killing me, but he doesnt love me romantically anymore, even told me in his last letter he wrote me that i would find somebody better, i still dont believe him because even if my friend is really nice to me he isnt my husband, he isnt my friend from childhood i finally had the courage to reach out to, who i grew and changed so much with even if our relationship was one of the shorter ones i had, he was the one i showed me life outside of my room and my head, and that somebody could love me despite all my issues, he was my first true dates, first time with a man which felt like my actual virginity (and i was his first too), he was my first proposal, engagement, marriage, my first taste of domestic bliss waking up in bed next to the love of my life, having his scent, touch, kisses and love always, doing our nerdy hobbies laughing together having fun, cuddling close binge watching our fav shows, eating pizza he brought home after a long day at work late at night watching funny youtube vids on the TV before getting cozy for bed.

that was supposed to happen the day it all broke, he was coming home with pizza, i was excited. he found me blacked out in the bathroom, found my phone with my mistakes i couldnt get myself to stop just yet no matter how badly i wanted to. the pizza went cold, never touched. i remember the next day, while my used to be inlaws were asleep and he wasnt home from work yet, i checked the box, full and cold. made to waste, like i wasted my dreams with such a stupid decision, just because my financial anxieties and OCD and past grooming made it seem like the easiest way to fix the issue without bothering others if i kept it a secret, but secrets get out, and they fucking destroy you.

 

[wannabeangel]

told my friend i would clean, i did clean slightly, but i feel too tired and sad today. i turned on the movie the last mimzy, its always been a comfort since childhood. i want to do more, i dont wanna disappoint my friend, but i disappoint most anyways. im crying watching the movie. it hits me hard...

i wish i could be there in the future, where humanity has blossomed, healed, not full of toxins and pollution that fill our minds and bodies, where the soul of our planet isnt sick anymore, people stopped being isolated and warlike, our world not needing to be frightened or dying anymore. people healthy, connected, loved.

but this world seems to be full of chaos, uncertainty, pain, anger, and hate, and the current state of society feeds and runs off of that. the worse we feel the more things they can sell us to distract us, "heal" us (not against meds in general but they are highly often misused by doctors, i may be biased from being overmedicated since 8-11yo), or numb us out, under the guise of entertainment, a quick fix, and how life is just supposed to be.

suffering, or struggling and hurting in general, has been normalized. and it seems to be expected to just go with that, because "thats what life is" and its "part of being an adult" when so many people are hardly getting by, surviving but not living. and everything else profits off of all the people trying to take a break and escape the stress, but the root problems have never been solved. society repeats the same mistakes. it's exhausting to both watch and live through.


to cope, been trying to make an emergency exit kit for myself, just a secret stash of everything i need to CTB. what sucks is for one method i would have to save up pills for like 6 months, idk where my old extras are. i'll get to 200 eventually, wish i had a stronger dose so its less pills but oh well, its going in my feeding tube anyways. still trying to figure out SN, thats been tricky trying to find a source, and im sure i wont get one here until it's been long enough and people trust me enough to share. i get being protective of it, i wouldnt want laws around it getting more strict either. im used to being patient, so waiting is natural to me. i cant be annoying and beg for it lol, im sure i can figure it out eventually

figured out how to password lock my files i save for it too as a test, glad it works, prob wont keep it locked for now tho it was just a test. i know i cant do anything too soon, i need to prepare a lot. make sure everything is ready when its the right moment.

i wish i would stop feeling so shitty right now, even tho its a bit late i'll take my rit again for that energy boost hopefully. i wanna feel comfy for one day

 

[wannabeangel]

was scrolling through here so much today, trying to find methods. hanging is my last resort honestly, but after messing with ways to loop around a belt around itself to make two loops, one i can tighten and one that can hang from a doorknob or something. its not perfect, i would have to figure out how to make sure it stays secure to the door, as the loop around my neck tightens it makes the loop around the knob bigger. i tested it on my IV pole, just incase i fucked up that wouldnt support my weight i would fall, i was just trying to test my theory. once the belt is tightened it stays that way tho, it doesnt tighten as i drop i gotta tighten it by hand then let myself drop. i have a bath robe i could make a slip knot with though, if the belt seems to fail. im not attempting tonight, the more i think the sooner i wish i could already tho

i'll work on my notes more, those need to be done before i do something. i need to research hanging more as well. i've been making .txt docs of info i need

i probably wouldnt be fucking testing methods of how to hang myself if my new friend would just text me back, but i know he is busy with life and he wants me sleeping around this time. i def wouldnt be doing it if i was still married and had my safety back. i just wanna feel better

researching the damage i have in my neck and how its just gonna get worse with my genetics makes me want to dislocate it completely like it wants to so badly, but instead its curved the wrong way, reversal of cervical lordosisi have at C3-34 a "minimal" disc bulge and endplate remodeling, C5-C6 has a small posterior disc protrusion and "mild" thecal sac compression, and "subluxation complex (vertebral) of the cervical region" because i had a severe tic attack that had my head snapping back for hours until i felt a painful click/pop and tingling down my arms and my brain felt weird, got sent to the ER and got a MRI in a neck brace and learned all that.

seeing it all say minimal or mild makes me so mad though, if its so little why does it hurt so much??? i need to get it scanned again, and a dynamic MRI this time not just laying flat. my neck hyperextends to the point i look like the example of whiplash on the poster at my pain management clinic. when my neck moves those "mild" protrusions push deeper into my thecal sack AKA my fucking spinal cord. it gets so bad i cant move my arms or anything without pain, im stuck laying flat in bed still, with something pressing on my neck in hopes to help the reversed curve that just adds more compression on my spine being stuck straight/curved backwards instead of its proper C shape. i got issues with my lower back too, scoliosis and i think some compression in my lower back due to it. my neck is the most evil thing of all though, it feels like the worse place i could have severe pain, only other worse place would be my privates.

i hate existing, i want to look up at the sky and see stars and feel hope like i did as a child. now looking up presses deeper into my spinal cord if done for too long, and my eyesight is too bad now to even see the stars. bad eyes are apparently also part of this shitty fucking collagen disorder. even if i have the "better" type by having hypermobile EDS, and not vascular EDS which puts you more at risk of your arteries and whatever inside you just bursting and killing you, on top of all the usual symptoms that take over every single part of your body. you'll learn about joints you didnt even know existed by them being in pain, shifting out of place. i didnt know ribs had joints kinda and can move until they were out of place, one rib kinda stuck under the top one, i think its called slipping rib syndrome. i'll have to dig my fingers under my ribcage and try to pull them out and up to stop feeling like i am being stabbed in my chest or lungs, and a constant growing ache that gets worse the longer i leave it alone.

everything in my body hurts all the time, im used to living in some level of physical pain 24/7, but my meds always work less and less. and my insurance needs to approve the old nerve pain med i was on as a kid but didnt take, but found it in a bag of old pills and got so fucking high and felt barely any pain and was high for 12+ hours. i am so excited to get that back, thankfully my mom is based as fuck and will let me take a recreational dose here and there, because i proved to her my drug safety, and she's also given me or let me try plenty of other things, because she knows it helps me genuinely and not just me being a junkie. like i do love getting high, who wouldnt? but i always tried to be smart with it, even with shit like opioids or things that work like them. i struggle with physical dependence to things more than mental addiction, but the worse my pain gets the more i want to escape so ig it does become more mental. but i dont like when the drugs stop to work, with strong things i dont have to take daily i will tough out a break, hell i even did it with my daily tramadol to maybe have it work stronger + have extras to take without running out early

its 2:22am now, might end this vent here, gonna research more and write my notes and try to ignore my spine

 

[wannabeangel]

i found out that the tie for my robe is a lot more comfortable than the belt. and i can make the proper knots. i was testing just choking myself with my hands, following a tutorial to find the right arteries, didnt faint but with enough pressure i started to feel heavy and fuzzy, it was relaxing besides needing to put so much pressure. i still want to ctb with SN or amitriptyline combo to induce cardiac arrest, but i would have to make myself pass out before that sets in, as that's painful without sedation. i can come up with my own angelic cocktail to sleep forever instead of being found with a purple swollen face, but it's still an option if i must. i will put a bag over my head so they dont have to see me, and wear long sleeves and pants to hide the blotching, leave a note on the closet to not open the door please for your own good, let the cops handle it, i dont want you to see me this way. try not to scar those i love with such a rough way out. if i took pills, it would look more like i was just sleeping, as i am likely to be found pretty soon if i time it right, as my mom comes in my room every morning. i dont want her walking in on me, i dont want to put this pain on her or anyone else i love, but especially my mom. she even admitted without me she wouldnt know what to do with her life. i hate feeling so guilty all the time, and this makes me feel more guilty, but i just want my pain to end

thoughts are extra hard when physical pain is hard. i just want a break at LEAST

its funny, how im here in pain, testing ways to hang myself if needed, unable to sleep from nerve pain, while he is out with the boys having fun prob drinking and having a better life than me, while im stuck here. i feel so alone, i have no life and anyone who i can go to for support has a life and is too busy to deal with me, and i wouldnt wanna bother them either.

i wish i would get really sick or hit by a truck or shot on accident so then it's maybe less painful than suicide to them

 

[wannabeangel]

cant tell if my neck hurts because it was already hurting all day and night, or i made it worse by test-asphyxiating myself (yes ik ur not supposed to test hanging, i tested it from my IV pole, it cant hold my full weight and would have bent and fell over. i tested for a moment on my doorknob with the belt, but my setup had the loop around the knob so loose if i stood up slightly it would unhook. the belt stays tight, but i used to practice holding my breath as a kid, wanting to be a mermaid, longest was 2min but with practice i could go for longer, i havent practiced in a while but can easily go over a min without much discomfort. i trained myself to push past that discomfort, and that urge to purge Co2. you need to relax your body a lot and be still, focus on your heart and imagine it slowing, the slower your heart the less oxygen your muscles are using to run, and you have to focus on your mind not your lungs. packing your lungs before holding your breath helps a lot with O2 storage, pumps your blood full of O2 while rapidly exhaling any Co2 heavily, kinda hyperventilating but more deliberate. its hard to explain, you need to imagine filling your lungs from the bottom up, making sure to use your diaphragm and all the way up to the highest part of your chest. i am used to packing my lungs then just holding it, but researching hanging made me learn about the Wim Hof breathing method, which i may use in combo. i think i will test it, see if combining both will have me hold my breath longer and more comfortable. under the post i saw it under someone said they reached 5min, but stopped because they didnt want brain damage lol, but trained divers can hold their breath for like 4-8min while being active, and the record holder is about 20min when being completely still. if you are still and learn to slow down your body processes, your body can slow down and need less and less so much.

i want to be able to do this with my physical pain too, seperate myself from it, life would be easier that way. i havent figured out to get over the frustration of nerve pain though. the tension from Co2 is nothing compared to it, in fact its a more enjoyable kinda pain. maybe thats just my masochism, that just grew as i both continued to be in pain and hurt myself. not all types are enjoyable in any way tho, some just make me sad and angry and tired.

i was gonna write more, but i keep getting distracted, my attention is all over

 

[squiddedoutt]

anyone can reply to this vent thread about anything, it helps me feel less alone

i gotchu c:
thought someone wouldve said something by now...didnt expect to walk into an empty room (nothing of your own fault)

opened up to my friend about some stuff, it both felt nice but i regret it too. he wants me to keep trying, and likes how i keep wanting to try despite everything. i admitted to wishing to SH still, and also die, but said i am just not allowed to do those things. opened up about my eating disorder to him too, never admitted that to anyone without an ED. he encourages me to keep trying, and that i can accomplish things, and how life is still worth living, but he understands how that can be so hard for me with my disabilities and chronic shitty mental health. i keep telling him i will keep trying, like i tell everyone, but idk if i can try forever.

i relate alot, I have friends who are nice and supportive and want me to keep going and I tell them Ill keep going in those moments when they ask but im always aware that I cant truly promise it. Im kind of indifferent to the 'usual' talk of keep going, life gets better, think about when we did x or we can go do y

I feel like they want to help but even I can't really succeed in helping me. I often feel alien watching them all laugh with eachother and feel positive emotions...

selfish of me to make new people care about me before i make my choice.
i wish i didnt open up so much, i told him im worried about ppl worrying about me, and he said he wont worry. but he also pointed out how i cant deal with my mind on my own like i always do, im not stable enough for that. maybe i will vent to him sometimes, but when it gets close i wont talk about it anymore, i'll act happy and normal

i also hate making people worry about me or making people feel bad because of me. Im not sure if I'd want to tell people if I was certain. I dont want them to hurt thinking they couldve done more. I wish it didnt hurt people so much

you wont bother me while im being emo asf lol this is the place for ts

honestly was a little worried abt replying... good ol social anxiety

hope your feeling something you want to feel <3

(i wouldve replied to more of your thread, but i gotta go, maybe ill be back later)

 

[wannabeangel]

i gotchu c:
thought someone wouldve said something by now...didnt expect to walk into an empty room (nothing of your own fault)

i relate alot, I have friends who are nice and supportive and want me to keep going and I tell them Ill keep going in those moments when they ask but im always aware that I cant truly promise it. Im kind of indifferent to the 'usual' talk of keep going, life gets better, think about when we did x or we can go do y

I feel like they want to help but even I can't really succeed in helping me. I often feel alien watching them all laugh with eachother and feel positive emotions...


i also hate making people worry about me or making people feel bad because of me. Im not sure if I'd want to tell people if I was certain. I dont want them to hurt thinking they couldve done more. I wish it didnt hurt people so much


honestly was a little worried abt replying... good ol social anxiety

hope your feeling something you want to feel <3

(i wouldve replied to more of your thread, but i gotta go, maybe ill be back later)

thank you for your reply u dont gotta worry at all, i was happy that it feels like ppl hear me now, helps me feel less alone. i thought someone would've said something to me sooner too lol but i didnt rlly expect it, just hoped for it

i feel the same way with my friends, they wanna help me and say im strong and i can do it, but i havent been helping myself, i have just been tolerating existing. it got better when i had real love for a little bit, made existing more tolerable, but thats lost now, so now im just existing again. cant say im living, doesnt feel right to say im surviving. so i have just been existing, mainly just for friends and family who care, cuz i hate when they feel bad for me, i hurt them enough by existing in pain all the time, and the end of my pain would hurt them too, make them feel even more guilty, i dont want that, i just wanna not feel pain anymore. and as a kid when i would express i wanted to die, i was called selfish. but wouldnt it be also selfish of them to keep me around while i keep being in pain that isnt being fixed? we put down animals for much simpler things, so they dont live in suffering. but we make humans deal with the same, and i never understood why

i also feel like an alien watching others socialize around me, everyone always clicks and talks so easy with eachother and i just dont, unless really drunk or high or something, then i can act a bit normal without feeling so weird and anxious

 

[wannabeangel]

oh god, guess who is going to the hospital tomorrow. not for anything cbt related, just because i showed my mom the issues my neck is causing me, apparently how i am walking with a "scissor gate" or whatever she said its called, on top of me bumping into things more, and my neck pain just getting worse over the past few months, i need to get new MRIs done. i need them to do ones with my neck standing up, and bending back and forward, my spine issues are dynamic because of my hypermobility and they need to realize an MRI laying in a neck brace wont show the full picture.

no, me testing shit didnt fuck up my neck more, i didnt do anything severe enough for that to do anything, and i was testing how i could hang myself anyways because my neck wont stop killing me my head hurts and im tired of it all. im hoping they give me good drugs in the hospital

 

[squiddedoutt]

last night i was making notes on different methods. specifically, SN and an exit bag, since i could use the exit bag in VR i believe.

my .txts in the folder with no icon and bugged unicode character name:

i wanna do some hobbies i havent in a long time due to all my issues before it all too, i used to love horseback riding, archery, riding my bike, going hiking and being in nature. i need to horseback ride again, thats just a must. ik i can in the afterlife, but i need to know that this body can do it again, even if it hurts. i wanna do archery a bit. there is stuff i still wanna do tbh.... i missed out on so much of my life with my physical and mental health since 8. why did i feel like that so young?

maybe my bucket list might keep me going for a while, maybe something will change my mind, but i still always wait for the right time to stop suffering for all

Sometimes I realize alot of people just show up to work or school and go home and scroll or watch shows. Not that anythings wrong with it (whole nother discussion), but I feel like I have more opportunities and do more 'interesting' and engaging things than others but am still depressed (again, not that my life is inherently better). I was going to write some hobbies of mine, but I dont want to on the public forum; I also feel like I have alot I want to do but it doesn't really do much to make me want to stay and do them. I think thats hard to understand for people.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have mental health issues (is there a nicer word besides issues? ik you prolly wont be offended) since 8... I atleast had more 'normal' time.

trying to find SN (the hints on this site confuse me, but i understand protecting the source, ik im new but i hope someone would trust me enough to lemme know eventually

cough*

i have a heart tracker i use in the game a lot, to check my PoTS just by looking up + fun gimmick. if my friends were online and walked in on me, my tracker should let them know im not just sleeping. i will prob put my status as like "thank you, goodbye" or something. kinda attention seeking? yeah. but its one of the last ways my pain could be truly seen, and maybe i wont have to be alone during it. i sleep in public cuddle worlds sometimes, i thought about doing it there, someone could talk to me and hold me as i fall asleep forever, and the tracker will slowly go to 0bpm, and i'll be free. its just gonna be impossible to not hurt others with my death so im starting to care a bit less where i do it in VR if i go that route. SN or some other OD could work in VR too maybe.

I honestly get dizzy and my heart beats fast and my vision goes kinda funny for 2 seconds when I stand up too, but I probably dont have PoTS (based on my 5 second google search). I honesty never thought abt ctb in VR. Getting the experience of having someone hold you in your last moments would be really nice (quite common sentiment with partner ctbing). I would definitely need the only ppl there to be someone I trusted though.

it makes me more upset because i still love my husband SO FUCKING MUCH its killing me, but he doesnt love me romantically anymore, even told me in his last letter he wrote me that i would find somebody better, i still dont believe him because even if my friend is really nice to me he isnt my husband, he isnt my friend from childhood i finally had the courage to reach out to, who i grew and changed so much with even if our relationship was one of the shorter ones i had, he was the one i showed me life outside of my room and my head, and that somebody could love me despite all my issues, he was my first true dates, first time with a man which felt like my actual virginity (and i was his first too), he was my first proposal, engagement, marriage, my first taste of domestic bliss waking up in bed next to the love of my life, having his scent, touch, kisses and love always, doing our nerdy hobbies laughing together having fun, cuddling close binge watching our fav shows, eating pizza he brought home after a long day at work late at night watching funny youtube vids on the TV before getting cozy for bed.

that was supposed to happen the day it all broke, he was coming home with pizza, i was excited. he found me blacked out in the bathroom, found my phone with my mistakes i couldnt get myself to stop just yet no matter how badly i wanted to. the pizza went cold, never touched. i remember the next day, while my used to be inlaws were asleep and he wasnt home from work yet, i checked the box, full and cold. made to waste, like i wasted my dreams with such a stupid decision, just because my financial anxieties and OCD and past grooming made it seem like the easiest way to fix the issue without bothering others if i kept it a secret, but secrets get out, and they fucking destroy you.

I'm not sure what you did and I've never really had deep experiences with romantic love but the jump from what you had to it all coming down really hit... even for someone who has never known it. Even having only imagined having those things I can tell how much it would hurt to lose them all and feel it was your own fault entirely, especially with someone who seemed so unique in their ability to love you for who you are. im sorry.

when i woke up panicked i texted my mom like always, but she always says the same things, and its not making me feel better anymore. "im sorry" "i'll be home soon at Xpm" "you're safe" "its okay" "i know its hard" "it will pass". i love my mom so much, and i appreciate all her love and care...

but when is this supposed to pass? when am i supposed to feel safe? i dont feel okay tho? ive been wanting everything to pass and be easier for years and years mom.... how long am i supposed to suffer gripping onto an idea of better things that always slips my grasp as soon as my fingertips start to touch it's surface?

it sounds like i wrote this...

everything in my body hurts all the time, im used to living in some level of physical pain 24/7

i get worried about reaching that state sometimes... I cant tell how it'll go but having the seeds of future pain sprouting in my youth is not very bright...

oh god, guess who is going to the hospital tomorrow. not for anything cbt related

gosh you really had me in the first half. was worried you were gonna be grippy socked

no, me testing shit didnt fuck up my neck more, i didnt do anything severe enough for that to do anything, and i was testing how i could hang myself anyways because my neck wont stop killing me my head hurts and im tired of it all. im hoping they give me good drugs in the hospital

I hope it goes good, or well, or whatever you want from it. You did manage to find a positive angle I never saw... lmao

thank you for your reply u dont gotta worry at all, i was happy that it feels like ppl hear me now, helps me feel less alone.

you're welcome C:
i think most of us are gathered here for that same reason
im glad i made someone feel better because of my suicidal thoughts

 

[wannabeangel]

my .txts in the folder with no icon and bugged unicode character name:

ooo bugged icons are smart, mine r just song title names, or names of ppl i have unfinished notes to (also late reply just got outta the hospital and drugged up yay)

Sometimes I realize alot of people just show up to work or school and go home and scroll or watch shows. Not that anythings wrong with it (whole nother discussion), but I feel like I have more opportunities and do more 'interesting' and engaging things than others but am still depressed (again, not that my life is inherently better). I was going to write some hobbies of mine, but I dont want to on the public forum; I also feel like I have alot I want to do but it doesn't really do much to make me want to stay and do them. I think thats hard to understand for people.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have mental health issues (is there a nicer word besides issues? ik you prolly wont be offended) since 8... I atleast had more 'normal' time.

that seems true tbh, ppl act like drones filling on cheap distractions than doing more 'interesting' stuff, cant say i havent fell habit to some of it tho lol, if you want feel free to share ur hobbies with me i dont mind! i think i am pretty open on here lol, just anon enough unless somebody knew me to connect the dots.

same tho with it not wanting to change the fact i dont rlly wanna stay around, i wanna do some shit i havent done in years due to mental and physical health issues, but it doesnt make me wanna stay more than i want to leave this world. i only wanna do some things because my disabilities stole them from me as i enjoyed them, that i wanna prove to myself i can still do some stuff even if it wont keep me around forever. idk if that makes sense lol

dw im not offended, i think thats the nicest way to put it, "mental health issues" is just correct. it started when i was around 5 rlly, but i have been seeing the same psych since i was 8, since he was also my brother's psych due to his ASD, so when i started having anxiety and other issues he was right there lol, started with GAD and separation anxiety, but was fuled by OCD that wasnt understood until i was a lil older. i had moments in childhood that seemed normal, but something overshadowed it next, either from my own mind or the next trauma. i missed out on a lot of childhood and teenhood and i know i cant get it back, it sucks tbh

cough*

I honestly get dizzy and my heart beats fast and my vision goes kinda funny for 2 seconds when I stand up too, but I probably dont have PoTS (based on my 5 second google search). I honesty never thought abt ctb in VR. Getting the experience of having someone hold you in your last moments would be really nice (quite common sentiment with partner ctbing). I would definitely need the only ppl there to be someone I trusted though.

yeahhh someone you trust is a must unless ur ready to be trolled on while ctb in anywhere in public in VR lol, but that i dont mind, i expect it and it's why i sleep in public VR worlds, feels less lonely plus its entertaining when ppl think they can bother me when i just think its funny. and if your heart does that it could be for plenty of reasons. im no doctor, just professionally ill, and even healthy ppl can feel that way just by being dehydrated, which is such a common issue lol. with PoTS ur heart gotta increase by >30 BPM within a few min of standing up. i'll be laying down at 85-90, stand up and jump to 170-180BPM. so i got my heart tracker to check inside VRC my heart without lifting my headset, its a convo starter, and extra fun in scary/horror game worlds. having it for ctb in VR sounds interesting as well. i can see it until im not awake anymore, and if im with someone i trust they'll know when im gone. y'know how there is a partner's thread on here? it makes me imagine about a VRC group for setting up a space for people who dont want to die alone, dont have to. like how there are groups and worlds to find cuddle buddies lol. but ik running something like that can be extremely risky and not really smart to run imo, doesnt mean i wouldnt join a group that offered it tho lol, i doubt that exists tho

I'm not sure what you did and I've never really had deep experiences with romantic love but the jump from what you had to it all coming down really hit... even for someone who has never known it. Even having only imagined having those things I can tell how much it would hurt to lose them all and feel it was your own fault entirely, especially with someone who seemed so unique in their ability to love you for who you are. im sorry.

thank you its been a really hard hit, i think i wrote about what i did a bit somewhere in my ramblings, i was in the wrong still tho even if i meant no bad intentions whatsoever. but that doesnt fix a relationship where you broke the trust of the one you love, and you'll never get it back. it hurts a lot, even if i am the one actually at fault, i still broke his trust, and i cant just earn it back so easily...

it sounds like i wrote this...

we're never truly alone even if it feels like it, there is bound to somebody who feels the same or similar in a way, thats why i like this place. i can be open while others are too, and i find more who think like me
*hugs* (if ur comfy w/ them)

i get worried about reaching that state sometimes... I cant tell how it'll go but having the seeds of future pain sprouting in my youth is not very bright...

it hurts a lot to live in this level of pain, and to be expected to live in it forever because others care about me, and would hurt losing me.. but i hurt existing for them. and i already hurt so much so young, im scared of how much worse it'll get, as i'll share some of my new results in this thread when not as loopy on meds lol but my neck is hurt even more now and im even more scared of getting older, my seeds of pain started getting bad by like 9-11yo (if i was a twin the age range my body started to fall apart at would be funnier lol) going off my parent's memories of when i started to complain more, but things got too severe to ignore at home at about 14? from what i can recall at least, my memories of clhildhood are a jumbled mess i dont remember my age in 90% of the time, they loaded me up on plenty of psych drugs from a young age, and went through many antidepressants, antianxiety, antipsychotics sometimes, etc. so its all messy in my brain, and as pain got really bad and some neuro stuff got worse in a way they couldnt brush off as anxiety or me acting up anymore. my parents apologize to me now even, as so much could have been helped if they realized my physical issues on top of my neuro & psych shit earlier. but that doesnt erase what has already been done, and what i have to remember and live with for so long. i can't blame my parents as i understand both of their sides now as an adult, it's not their fault they lacked info and was told many mixed things about why i am feeling the way i was and am. doesnt fix the problem even now

gosh you really had me in the first half. was worried you were gonna be grippy socked


I hope it goes good, or well, or whatever you want from it. You did manage to find a positive angle I never saw... lmao



you're welcome C:
i think most of us are gathered here for that same reason
im glad i made someone feel better because of my suicidal thoughts

haha oops nope just normal visit to the hospital for a fucked up spine, no grippy socks again lol i cant let it happen. my positive angle didnt work out that well with them not stabilizing my neck properly sooner, but i can do that at home now. and thank u ur too kind <3

im drugged up writing this and soooooo tired i will add to this thread more later when my brain can function again, i appreciate u taking ur time to reply

 

[squiddedoutt]

if you want feel free to share ur hobbies with me i dont mind! i think i am pretty open on here lol, just anon enough unless somebody knew me to connect the

I'd like toooo, and respond to what you wrote, just a lil anxious about doing it here

Could you make a thread in the other part of this section? (even if it isnt that much better for privacy) or maybe ill end up dming you

appreciate u taking ur time to reply

me too, you too? i guess they both work C: