Almost 2AM , feeling empty.

[- crybaby -]

Its almost 2AM
Quietly hiding in the kitchen
By my side on the table I got a few smokes and a bottle of cheap vodka .
The music blasts in my ears to cover the frighting silence.
Its been so long since Ive been on this forum , yet this feels like my only escape even now .
I did a horrible mistake today , I opened up about my failed attempted .. and my tendecies which my partner belived that they magically went away .
I wish I could just end this , this relationship and spare him the pain.
Ive seen him hurting and all I could think about was how I shouldve kept quiet , how much I hated to see him like that because of me ..
I kept acting out recently but only now realised how much I tried to make him hate me , to push him away , to throw me away .. because I cant bear myself to do it.
And I know no matter how much I stay alive .. my frustration ,my pain would all fall on him ..
Im tired of this game .. Im tired of hurting and being hurt..