Venting AITA type beat. im just going insane

[cyclicism]

Ever have a delayed response to events? Emotionally, that is?

I'm very much like that. However, it poses a problem when it comes to communication within relationships, as I don't realise something's bothered me until it's much too late to bring it up.

This has recently happened with my best friend, but on a nuclear scale. There are so many little things that snowballed and I just broke one day.

I ghosted her for... 2 weeks? I've since apologised and stopped ghosting her, but... I'm not over it. But there's just so much to bring up. And none of it is recent.

At the end of the day, I feel fucking crazy. But she's had a worse life than me. Having a tougher time than me. Our friendgroup is all intertwined. And I'm pretty sure I'd lose it all at the end of the day if me and her were to truly stop being friends. I was prepared for this when I was ghosting her.

I don't know man, it just feels bad. One of the things I'm mad about is when she apologised to me about... I'm not gonna get into it. I wasn't even bothered by the thing she was apologising about, ngl. But the apology. It was just me comforting her. It was just her self deprecation and hurt being pushed onto me. I hate apologies. Just change the behaviour. Apologies don't mean shit if you don't change.

And you didn't. You didn't change. And I'm just hung up on all this old fucking shit and I can't let it go. It's embarassing! Everyone's telling me I'm overreacting. I don't disagree. I don't want to feel this way.

It's funny. My therapist is the only one who's not told me I'm overreacting. Sure, I pay her not to, I guess. But my therapist is the one and only person I can tell the full story to.

I'm just going fucking insane in my head. I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop thinking about you! I'm glad you're happy now, genuinely.

But a part of me dies whenever I think about that apology. And how your new relationship was founded on behaviour that you didn't change.

Do I want to throw away our friendship? Idk. You're doing well without me, to my evil chagrin. But, at the end of the day, I'm screaming into the void about problems that have long since passed, and never thought or knew to bring up. How do I be the good person who tried to communicate?

Feels like I can't win. I don't even know what winning would be.

I have a 5k document detailing everything I was mad at you about. Apart from the sections that I already have brought up, not a lick of it could I ever mention to you. Not without sounding like an absolute psycho.

 

[U. A.]

Distill your complaints into a concise, receivable communication and share them. Speak from the I, as they say; minimize opportunities for reactivity. If things don't improve, just put gradually more space between you so as to hopefully not lose the rest of the group.

 

[cyclicism]

Distill your complaints into a concise, receivable communication and share them. Speak from the I, as they say; minimize opportunities for reactivity. If things don't improve, just put gradually more space between you so as to hopefully not lose the rest of the group.

Thank you for the advice, first and foremost.
I get it in theory, I'm just having trouble in practice. When I brought this up to my therapist the condensed version was 5 timelines of different genres of things that had built up over the past year or so.

Although, when I think of it in the capacity of bringing any of it up to the friend (an even further compressed version, not full detail ofc), I just realise that it's truly old shit that I'm not over.

I just don't see merit in going x, y, and z bothered me and hurt my feelings when it's not relevant anymore. I feel like the only 2 possible ways it'd go is she thinks im crazy for being hung up, or she feels entirely too guilty for it all. I'm definitely way overthinking, mind you, but this just be where I'm at rn.

Also this shit coming back with me to therapy for the nth time so dwbi whateverrrrrrrr. ugh.

 

[martyrdom]

I don't know man, it just feels bad. One of the things I'm mad about is when she apologised to me about... I'm not gonna get into it. I wasn't even bothered by the thing she was apologising about, ngl. But the apology. It was just me comforting her. It was just her self deprecation and hurt being pushed onto me. I hate apologies. Just change the behaviour. Apologies don't mean shit if you don't change.

I don't know the situation so obviously, don't take my input as the end all be all. But her apology does not sound genuine, an apology should not devolve into you having to comfort the person, it's an avoidance of responsibility and it demonstrates "see, I am so vulnerable, that if you ever confront me on anything I did to you, I will be so crushed that you will end up being the bad person for confronting me/you will have to end up comforting me".

As for bringing things up, whether or not it's worthwhile is your choice. But if I were you, I would at least bring up the issue with the apology. It's possible that this in itself exacerbates all the other frustration at things she has done in the past. From what you are describing, it does sound like she wouldn't be receptive to listening to the things that have bothered you. So if you were to do it, just do it to get it out of your system/get closure, rather than expecting her to change maybe.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I could be way off with this but, maybe the apology wasn't exactly heartfelt because- she gets the sense you're upset with something but, isn't sure exactly what. So, she's apologizing for random things. That could be way off though.

Do you want to keep the friendship? Do you value her as a person? In which case, it would seem worth trying to work through even past things you found upsetting. You can even take some responsibilty and say these were things you should have raised at the time. But, seeing as you do really value the friendship and, want it to work now- you want to clear the air.

I'd wonder if maybe airing all the dirty linen may mean she feels able also to bring up situations she didn't like too. So- I'd probably brace yourself for that. That tended to happen with a good friend of mine. They would point out one of my bad behaviours and, I would point back at one of theirs. We sometimes retaliate when we feel our character is under attack.

For me- it's childhood stuff that wasn't fully expressed at the time. That my Dad is absolutely aware of but, not the details. Despite asking him not to, he'll still talk about someone I'm trying so hard to forget. So- depending on my mood, if I'm especially tired, stressed and irritable- I'm more likely to go pop.

We've ended up in one or two very unpleasant heated discussions recently because, I'm finding it much harder to conceal, let go and not just come out with the truth. That- effectively, his decisions didn't just lead to a little bit of childhood bullying for me. They totally upended my life. Exposed me to a (likely) narcissist. Caused me intense suicidal ideation from the age of 10 and, set me on the course I am to this day. So- it's really not a trivial memory for me. But then, I don't think I can dump that amount of guilt and worry onto him.