i'm feeling like there's no point in participating in either, or really giving a shit about how things will end up. i'm 18 and still in my senior year of high school. i performed pretty well for these past 3 years mostly thanks to being high all the time and pushing through suicidal thoughts, along with the fact that i used to care about how the people around me might see me if i fall behind.
now that i'm constantly thinking of suicide, it's impossible to do anything. work feels pointless. schoolwork that i could get done easily feels like hiking mount fucking everest. i want to get this shit done because either i'll be able to get my diploma and have a somewhat comfortable life, go to college, etc. or if i decide to, i can easily get a job, save up for benzos and alcohol, and die that way. most other ways scare me.
what do you guys do to get through the day? i don't know how i've gotten this far. not even the dumbass shrinks in the psych ward know how i got this far, told me people on my position dropped out way before i did
1. See if there is an alternative school program. These alternative school programs can help you get through all your credits, and they're usually way easier because they're designed for students who can't keep up with the real program. I graduated early because of a program like this.
2. Get psych meds. When you're constantly thinking about suicide, your mental health is going to only get worse from here.
Extreme suicidal behavior = your personality will come off strange (I'm not being judgy, just honest coming from someone who has literally been very mentally ill myself) = you will only attract other mentally ill people and naturally push away the mentally healthy people = there is a much higher percentage of evil people in the mentally ill population = even more trauma and isolation because of the abuse from mentally ill partners or friends
Extreme suicidal behavior = no motivation to do work or make friends = isolation = even more depression
It took me 3 months of super intensive somatic healing to stop wanting to commit. It would take 9 months at a normal pace, and that isn't even close to the whole package. Get psych meds and then try somatic experiencing so that you can slowly heal from the past. Stop the booze and benzos. You will cause 10x more issues down the road.
3. 99% of the time, our bodies have very normal reactions. So when our bodies are being uncooperative like having tons of suicidal thoughts, it's usually not the body's fault... it's the fact that you had to go through so many horrible things that you weren't supposed to go through. So please have compassion for yourself. You are not a loser. YOU did not bring yourself to this point. Your body is a wonderful thing. Say, "Thank you," to your body for helping you cope with life this long. Your body kept all of that pain numb because there was no other way to survive your childhood. It wanted to save you from the horrible pain. Hug yourself and say thanks to your wonderful body. Your body is in pain because it's numbed itself for so long, and now it wants to relax and put your guard down. You'll notice the depression always hits when you're not in a physical survival state.
4. All your body needs is love. What hurt you were the abusive words and physical sensations of abuse (abuse). Healing words and healing sensations heal and dissolve the abuse. It takes a very long time. But I've done already 10 months of somatic experiencing very intensively, and the first 3 months got my suicidal thoughts to go away, the next 3 months got me to actually start seeing the world beautiful again, and as the months go on, I discover more and more about myself. You know all those toxic relationship behaviors you have? Like for me, maybe it was people pleasing or perfectionism where I could never stand up for myself. It will be different for you, but your unhelpful patterns will stop. I used somatic experiencing, TRE, and EMDR to do this.
