A part of me really wishes my boyfriend would break up with me

[ScorpiusDragon]

It would be easier to let go if he broke up with me. Right now, he is the only person still holding me here. I deactivated all my social media and blocked all my IRL friends' phone numbers. I'd feel free to go, if it weren't for him.

 

[Loli]

I don't know your situation, but I assume it's quite bad. So you two must be really close if he is the only reason why you stayed. In my opinion it's not a problem, it's beautiful that you have such strong bond with your partner.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I don't know your situation, but I assume it's quite bad. So you two must be really close if he is the only reason why you stayed. In my opinion it's not a problem, it's beautiful that you have such strong bond with your partner.

I have a lot of childhood trauma that I think I will live with for the rest of my life.
Last year, I was super suicidal and ended up getting hospitalized. I saw how much it affected him, so I'm well aware how devastating my death would be for him. I know he loves me. He is not an American citizen and moved to the USA just to be with me. He is taking English language classes and compsci-related courses because he is hoping to one day find a job here and build a life with me. I know how much he sacrificed, and that's the main thing holding me back.

 

[Loli]

I know how much he sacrificed, and that's the main thing holding me back.

Well, it was his choice and you shouldn't be guilty tripping yourself. Maybe you should ask yourself if you love him back and would make the same sacrifice for him?
Besides cutting away everyone is like a self fulfilling prophecy. Dealing with trauma with no one to lean on is... well, you probably know already. Like death sentence. But I have no insight in your life, I believe you will make a choice that is the best for you. Hope you will find peace one day

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Well, it was his choice and you shouldn't be guilty tripping yourself. Maybe you should ask yourself if you love him back and would make the same sacrifice for him?
Besides cutting away everyone is like a self fulfilling prophecy. Dealing with trauma with no one to lean on is... well, you probably know already. Like death sentence. But I have no insight in your life, I believe you will make a choice that is the best for you. Hope you will find peace one day

To be honest, I don't think interacting with most of my IRL friends has helped my depression. For the most part, they are "Think positive" pro-lifers. One of them even told me I should reconnect with my abusive mom because she "fed and clothed me."

Well, it was his choice and you shouldn't be guilty tripping yourself. Maybe you should ask yourself if you love him back and would make the same sacrifice for him?
Besides cutting away everyone is like a self fulfilling prophecy. Dealing with trauma with no one to lean on is... well, you probably know already. Like death sentence. But I have no insight in your life, I believe you will make a choice that is the best for you. Hope you will find peace one day

And even for the IRL friends who haven't given me toxic positivity, I'd rather just disappear and make it easier for them to forget about me.

 

[Santiago]

Not trying to be rude, but just adding to the discussion. Don't you think that with that mindset it is a matter of time before things go wrong anyways?

You can't live only for him. That might be possible for a short period of time. Sooner or later you will be sick of it aswell.