a numb, medicated life, or....?

[Renv1o_]

i really have been trying to cut out everything 'bad'. i know I'm an awful person, a liar, and a manipulative girl. i do nothing but hurt those around me by being self-destructive. i lie to others and myself so that I can indulge in bad habits--- I know that now. i want to ctb. i know it will make things easier for those around me. I'm only accepted when I'm medicated and numb enough to be a blank slate that's easier to talk to...I've lowered my medications (selfishly) recently, in case you cannot tell.


numbness or a messy life? what would you pick? either way, I wanted to die, but one want was louder than the other.

 

[burneverybridge]

I'd rather be numb I think? Came off the pills cos they weren't doing anything and regardless, can't afford them anyway. I mainly use weed but I can't afford that anymore either. I'd rather wake up numb than have that crushing feeling of "oh God I'm awake again"

 

[RoseGirl]

i really have been trying to cut out everything 'bad'. i know I'm an awful person, a liar, and a manipulative girl. i do nothing but hurt those around me by being self-destructive. i lie to others and myself so that I can indulge in bad habits--- I know that now. i want to ctb. i know it will make things easier for those around me. I'm only accepted when I'm medicated and numb enough to be a blank slate that's easier to talk to...I've lowered my medications (selfishly) recently, in case you cannot tell.


numbness or a messy life? what would you pick? either way, I wanted to die, but one want was louder than the other.

Ur so real t~t. Rn I'm planning on trying to sedate myself with medication so i stop being so horrible to my gf. I am hopefully gonna get something prescribed so i can sleep through when im feeling lonely.
Uhm I'm already on antidepressants they don't really make me feel that numb but i wouldn't really remember anyways. Uhm yeah idk... I hate being a stupid whore and i hate that I always hurt the people i love most. I frequently wish i could lobotomize myself or doing anything about how horrible i am.
It's pretty frequent for me to repress my feelings of disgust so i can be a dumb stupid whore. Ugh :c I don't wanna be horrible anymore.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Im going with numb! lol

unfortunately the world will resist ctb, AND being numb.

 

[Britney Spears]

They left me a zombie and fucked my brain even more. They are pure poison, my second reason for cbt because of the psychiatric medications. The others believe that this is the cure, what cure? Calm down and be a zombie without being suicidal. That's right, they just want a human tamed like a dog, living for them without being suicidal. while you continue to suffer and so on. A crime, one more psychiatric medication does not enter my body

 

[myucore]

I keep switching between both whenever I feel stuck, whenever I feel the need to change.

I go numb when I need to carry my responsibility. But numbness causes me slow burning sadnesses that piling till I eventually come to nihilistic idealization again, stop functioning, and becoming hedonistic. My dysfunctionality would turn to self hatred, and when i have enough self hatred I would try to break myself. I got messy and anxious when I stop using my meds immediately. horrible withdrawal for 1 weeks. full of panic attack etc. but in that broken self, i could finally able to express myself again instead of being numb and sad. i found new people and interest. I started gaining happiness in my miserable state simply because i encounter my true self again- able to express myself again.

maybe it's not the healthiest, but I think of it as a cycle of emotional regulation. or maybe im just bipolar

 

[Bad Ending]

Calm down and be a zombie without being suicidal.

The meds numbed me and that made me even more suicidal

 

[Britney Spears]

The meds numbed me and that made me even more suicidal

I don't even know who I am since I left the psychiatric clinic a few weeks ago. They gave me all the medication they had there. I can't think or remember since I left there; they've completely destroyed my brain. I'm not the same as before. Hugs

 

[Higurashi415]

i really have been trying to cut out everything 'bad'. i know I'm an awful person, a liar, and a manipulative girl. i do nothing but hurt those around me by being self-destructive. i lie to others and myself so that I can indulge in bad habits--- I know that now. i want to ctb. i know it will make things easier for those around me. I'm only accepted when I'm medicated and numb enough to be a blank slate that's easier to talk to...I've lowered my medications (selfishly) recently, in case you cannot tell.


numbness or a messy life? what would you pick? either way, I wanted to die, but one want was louder than the other.

messy life all the way. when I was on meds I didn't feel like myself, it's very hard to explain. it was as if the thoughts I was hearing weren't me, I wasn't liking it at all. They weren't even good thoughts, either. I would just gravitate towards a different kind of toxicity. I'd rather kill myself being myself.