Venting A mind split in two but both ends the same

[lonergirl_26]

One side
I want to live. I want to experience life. Go out with my boyfriend, meet new friends, have a job that I'm passionate about and just live.
Then die
Other side
I want to fuck myself up. I want to spiral. I want to get worse. Be so skinny it hurts. Cut so deep I actually feel like it was bad enough. Make sure everyone knows my death wasn't a random act.
Atleast have some freedom and have a fucked up bond.
I'm lonely and would like to have a friend. A true bond with someone who understands me. I've always wanted a 'bad' influence friend someone who would act without thought making me the same. Someone who drank, did drugs and just does things. Lives in the moment.
I know both things are unlikely. Constantly my Brian goes back and forth between the two things so right now I'm doing both. Either way I will end up dead 'young' the way I've always wanted

 

[BeyondSurvival]

I understand you well. Whenever I want to die, a small spark of hope for life starts to grow inside me. And whenever I want to live, I see reasons to die.