other-ghost
rotting
- Apr 5, 2025
- 75
It's been a few months since i was last on this site. It's not because I'm no longer suicidal. it's because I didnt have the emotional space for anything else during such an important period of my life.
I promised myself I would die before my birthday this year. I made that promise and prepared for it. But my death never happened. I was foolishly blinded by the idea that recovery was possible if i just tried to keep living.
I should never have listened to that hope. I finished my project (which by the way, tortured me so much), but now it just haunts me. I hate it. I hate my own incompetence, and i hate that i had potential but let it all go to waste. I hate all of it. Even though I have friends, I feel completely isolated, because I am alone. If I try to do anything, ill just ruin it all over again.
Trying to live has only made it clearer that I should have died a long time ago. Every passing second is torture, not just because I dont want to be here, but also because I'm tormented by my stupid choice to "try" recovery.
How did I manage to fall even lower than my previous low? How did i mess everything up so badly when it was supposed to be over? How did i get to this point, where all i do is cry and wish that anything. absolutely anything. could take me away from here?
Anyways, i tried living. Tried recovery but as i thought, i don't think god thinks i deserve happiness. I dont think i write this well too. Im jsut too tired to think about this
thinking about suicide makes me really peaceful but at the same time i know it wouldnt end 'peacefully' at all for me. There's no peaceful way for me to end things, i would still suffer even after death. Is it wrong to pray to god to take me away fast? At this point i dont think i can be annoying about how i wanna end myself. Anything will do.
I promised myself I would die before my birthday this year. I made that promise and prepared for it. But my death never happened. I was foolishly blinded by the idea that recovery was possible if i just tried to keep living.
I should never have listened to that hope. I finished my project (which by the way, tortured me so much), but now it just haunts me. I hate it. I hate my own incompetence, and i hate that i had potential but let it all go to waste. I hate all of it. Even though I have friends, I feel completely isolated, because I am alone. If I try to do anything, ill just ruin it all over again.
Trying to live has only made it clearer that I should have died a long time ago. Every passing second is torture, not just because I dont want to be here, but also because I'm tormented by my stupid choice to "try" recovery.
How did I manage to fall even lower than my previous low? How did i mess everything up so badly when it was supposed to be over? How did i get to this point, where all i do is cry and wish that anything. absolutely anything. could take me away from here?
Anyways, i tried living. Tried recovery but as i thought, i don't think god thinks i deserve happiness. I dont think i write this well too. Im jsut too tired to think about this
thinking about suicide makes me really peaceful but at the same time i know it wouldnt end 'peacefully' at all for me. There's no peaceful way for me to end things, i would still suffer even after death. Is it wrong to pray to god to take me away fast? At this point i dont think i can be annoying about how i wanna end myself. Anything will do.
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