Rainork
What a load of baloney
- Mar 17, 2023
- 70
I'm not sure why but I feel compelled to get this down somewhere before I go. This is quite a long vent post, with some sections that will only make sense to a small handful of people on this site.
I don't think I'll be about to do a usual goodbye thread due to observers on this site who I believe now know my username, so I can't risk disclosing anything around my plans or date- because of that I am posting this a little way in advance. (Although honestly I'm still debating on part 2 of my plan, I will be taking an OD followed by another method. I have planned out 3 physical options for following taking what I have and will go with whichever one feels right on the day- if I decide on an option that these observers won't be present for; I may pop on just to let anyone who cares know).
On my journey I have reached out for help and attempted to work through my suicidal feelings, each time resulting in nothing but assurance of my decision.
One thing I did get asked a lot through my recovery attempts was 'what triggered you' (around any attempts) and thats something I always really struggled with because here's the thing for me.
I'm not going to ctb as an impulsive decision because of a recent event. I almost wish I was, so then I could get help for that situation and move on with my life. But alas, that's not the case.
My trigger is waking up each day, remembering the world we live in and seeing reminders with each step I take as to why I don't want to walk on this earth anymore. Yes, there is light and yes, there is love- but each smile is overshadowed by the depths of hatred and control that we're forced to live amongst.
This week, I've been finalising my plans and figuring out different response times/methods in various areas to increase my chances of success- during this time I have talked with a lot of people from different services and have gotten a lot of the same kind of things.
'You're doing all the right things', 'it seems like you're already getting all the help avaliable', 'there's not much more I can offer you' and my always favourite line 'so what help do you want from us?'.
Why do I bring this up? Because it seems like they're right, I have tried to recover and I have been doing that for most of my life. I've seen therapists on and off since I was 15, becoming overly self aware thanks to all I have learnt; I've tried lots of different medications; I walk for miles every day; I eat healthily and try to care for my physical body; I do spiritual and mindful exercises when my brain allows to remain aware and try to care for my soul.. I journal daily, I dance, I draw, I paint, I sing, I talk about what's going on with anyone who will listen.
But the sad truth is, none of it stops the voice in my head. None of that stops the pain screaming inside of me wanting to burst through my chest.
I still woke up this morning screaming.
I still want to die.
I won't be going over the weekend as I've got a few more goodbyes to say and have plans to see these people this weekend.
Once next week starts, I will finalise any preparations I have left (to try and minimise the pain for those who have cared for me on this hell of a journey) and then move forwards with finishing.
I really hope I succeed this time, I don't have the strength to push anymore and at this point, if I can manage to get drunk enough to finally push past SI then I will finally find my peace. If not, hopefully my OD will do the job instead.
A final note, to anyone reading this post who doesn't understand the pain that drives us here and uses this site as a way to intervene and help those suffering.
I see you, some others here see you. Some of us appreciate your care, others see it as stopping free will. Either way, I'm sorry that this world has landed us in a situation where you spend each day trying to save those that the world has beaten down.
Thank you to any of you who I met, you are some of the light and love fighting the darkness of our earth, and please know that I personally am doing all I can to minimise the trauma my exit will cause to the world.
Keep spreading your light but try to understand that for some of us the darkness has engulfed us to the point of suffocation and unfortunately the help we're offered does nothing but prolong our pain.
I'm sending light and love to all still navigating this shit show, I wish peace and recovery to all still fighting and hope you all find what you need.
Much love to all 🕊
I don't think I'll be about to do a usual goodbye thread due to observers on this site who I believe now know my username, so I can't risk disclosing anything around my plans or date- because of that I am posting this a little way in advance. (Although honestly I'm still debating on part 2 of my plan, I will be taking an OD followed by another method. I have planned out 3 physical options for following taking what I have and will go with whichever one feels right on the day- if I decide on an option that these observers won't be present for; I may pop on just to let anyone who cares know).
On my journey I have reached out for help and attempted to work through my suicidal feelings, each time resulting in nothing but assurance of my decision.
One thing I did get asked a lot through my recovery attempts was 'what triggered you' (around any attempts) and thats something I always really struggled with because here's the thing for me.
I'm not going to ctb as an impulsive decision because of a recent event. I almost wish I was, so then I could get help for that situation and move on with my life. But alas, that's not the case.
My trigger is waking up each day, remembering the world we live in and seeing reminders with each step I take as to why I don't want to walk on this earth anymore. Yes, there is light and yes, there is love- but each smile is overshadowed by the depths of hatred and control that we're forced to live amongst.
This week, I've been finalising my plans and figuring out different response times/methods in various areas to increase my chances of success- during this time I have talked with a lot of people from different services and have gotten a lot of the same kind of things.
'You're doing all the right things', 'it seems like you're already getting all the help avaliable', 'there's not much more I can offer you' and my always favourite line 'so what help do you want from us?'.
Why do I bring this up? Because it seems like they're right, I have tried to recover and I have been doing that for most of my life. I've seen therapists on and off since I was 15, becoming overly self aware thanks to all I have learnt; I've tried lots of different medications; I walk for miles every day; I eat healthily and try to care for my physical body; I do spiritual and mindful exercises when my brain allows to remain aware and try to care for my soul.. I journal daily, I dance, I draw, I paint, I sing, I talk about what's going on with anyone who will listen.
But the sad truth is, none of it stops the voice in my head. None of that stops the pain screaming inside of me wanting to burst through my chest.
I still woke up this morning screaming.
I still want to die.
I won't be going over the weekend as I've got a few more goodbyes to say and have plans to see these people this weekend.
Once next week starts, I will finalise any preparations I have left (to try and minimise the pain for those who have cared for me on this hell of a journey) and then move forwards with finishing.
I really hope I succeed this time, I don't have the strength to push anymore and at this point, if I can manage to get drunk enough to finally push past SI then I will finally find my peace. If not, hopefully my OD will do the job instead.
A final note, to anyone reading this post who doesn't understand the pain that drives us here and uses this site as a way to intervene and help those suffering.
I see you, some others here see you. Some of us appreciate your care, others see it as stopping free will. Either way, I'm sorry that this world has landed us in a situation where you spend each day trying to save those that the world has beaten down.
Thank you to any of you who I met, you are some of the light and love fighting the darkness of our earth, and please know that I personally am doing all I can to minimise the trauma my exit will cause to the world.
Keep spreading your light but try to understand that for some of us the darkness has engulfed us to the point of suffocation and unfortunately the help we're offered does nothing but prolong our pain.
I'm sending light and love to all still navigating this shit show, I wish peace and recovery to all still fighting and hope you all find what you need.
Much love to all 🕊
I wish you peace
