Eternal Disaster
IHaveDemonsInMyHead
- Aug 3, 2025
- 50
The thought of killing myself comes to my mind the moment I wake up. The thought of spending an another day planning on how to commit a perfect suicide leads to an immediate on set of anxiety. I remain tired all the time even though I do nothing. I cannot even sleep properly now. My subconscious mind keeps on repeating the scenarios of my death all the time. I have lost my appetite.
It feels like my death is an obligation on me.
If I had died as a child none of these things would have happened. Why never in my life I got terribly sick? Why I never faced a life threatening accident. may be it's in my fate to kill myself, to have my own blood on my hands.
But the process of ending this pathetic life is so complex that this entire planning part leads to frustration which turns into a destructive anger.
All I imagine is having a gun in my hand and blowing up my brain. Simple. But it's completely impossible.i don't have a gun. I can jump from the top of this building and simply die but I can't do it. I don't want to traumatize other residents.
At the end of each and every day I realise that I am such a useless person who cannot even die. How the fuck can I forget to take my antidepressants. Now it sucks . I seriously want someone to sit next to me . Listen to all my shitty suicidal thoughts and usual depressive vents and then tell me that what I am doing is completely fine. I want someone to assist me in dying and sit next to me while I die. what a beautiful dream!
Never in my life I had thought that I will have a death fantasy. A fantasy of getting diagnosed with a life threatening disease, then receiving all kind of love and sympathy. Deleting everything off my phone, burning my diary and then dying without any pain. I fucking wanted to read those novels before dying but that shit text makes me even more depressed.
At the end this world is a cruel place and I am a simple loser who yet again failed to decide a date and method for CTB.
It feels like my death is an obligation on me.
If I had died as a child none of these things would have happened. Why never in my life I got terribly sick? Why I never faced a life threatening accident. may be it's in my fate to kill myself, to have my own blood on my hands.
But the process of ending this pathetic life is so complex that this entire planning part leads to frustration which turns into a destructive anger.
All I imagine is having a gun in my hand and blowing up my brain. Simple. But it's completely impossible.i don't have a gun. I can jump from the top of this building and simply die but I can't do it. I don't want to traumatize other residents.
At the end of each and every day I realise that I am such a useless person who cannot even die. How the fuck can I forget to take my antidepressants. Now it sucks . I seriously want someone to sit next to me . Listen to all my shitty suicidal thoughts and usual depressive vents and then tell me that what I am doing is completely fine. I want someone to assist me in dying and sit next to me while I die. what a beautiful dream!
Never in my life I had thought that I will have a death fantasy. A fantasy of getting diagnosed with a life threatening disease, then receiving all kind of love and sympathy. Deleting everything off my phone, burning my diary and then dying without any pain. I fucking wanted to read those novels before dying but that shit text makes me even more depressed.
At the end this world is a cruel place and I am a simple loser who yet again failed to decide a date and method for CTB.
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