A dense ball

[asthedayends00]

Lately it's been coming in waves… some days I want to ctb actively.. Other days I feel a slight glimmer of hope. But EVERY day I want to be dead and not be on this earth.

It's like every atom in my body is under pressure and scrunched up. Constant big sighs and putting my face in my hands.

When I want to take my SN I feel like a dense ball. All of my body stressed to the max with the main thought just wanting not to exist.


Is there anyway you can describe how you feel when actively wanting to ctb?

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's a good metaphor. For me, maybe like an instrument string pulled out to its very tautness. Just that very intense feeling of pressure- that I really HAVE to do this. I HAVE to save myself from all this.

But then- also knowing I can't right now- (holding on for my Dad to go first) so the kind of fear that something will now hit that string, it'll snap and so will I.

But yeah- same as you- it's that whole- my SN is waiting in the cupboard (and expiring soon- that makes it even worse.) Maybe I should just do it.

 

[asthedayends00]

That's a good metaphor. For me, maybe like an instrument string pulled out to its very tautness. Just that very intense feeling of pressure- that I really HAVE to do this. I HAVE to save myself from all this.

But then- also knowing I can't right now- (holding on for my Dad to go first) so the kind of fear that something will now hit that string, it'll snap and so will I.

But yeah- same as you- it's that whole- my SN is waiting in the cupboard (and expiring soon- that makes it even worse.) Maybe I should just do it.

Interesting, I've never thought of it that way but it makes perfect sense reading it. An unknown language you've known but didn't have awareness to. Like a gear clicking into place. How many more gears to click before the full rotation is done and we ctb?

How long does it last? I got mine from DMC about a year ago

 

[Forever Sleep]

Interesting, I've never thought of it that way but it makes perfect sense reading it. An unknown language you've known but didn't have awareness to. Like a gear clicking into place. How many more gears to click before the full rotation is done and we ctb?

How long does it last? I got mine from DMC about a year ago

It's meant to last a couple of years unopened. Theoretically, I think it might last longer but, it's scary enough as it is without adding expiration issues. My Meto is already a few years out of date.

I knew a member did use expired IC SN (same brand as mine) and was successful although, I don't know just how long expired theirs was.

Does yours have an expiry date on it?



I think this line from 'The Lord of the Rings' is also probably accurate for a lot of us:



The feeling that we don't quite have enough strength for what's expected of us. That we feel like we're over stretched. At the moment, I'm getting around that by simply not doing what's expected of me but then, I know that can't last.

 

[asthedayends00]

My Meto expires 1/27 and SN doesn't have a date. I feel like both you and I are in a similar situation when it comes to means of ctb.