Venting a bad person who doesn’t deserve to live

[maneose]

i've kinda feel myself spiraling, but earlier this month i did something that made me realize i'm not the good person i thought i was. i used to believe that though i wasn't innocent, i was still good and intended good on others. i can't see myself as that anymore, i can't see myself as cute or even passively attractive. i feel like my face is always morphing into a melting mess and that everyone can see the uglyness i try and hide with the poor attempts of being cute. i don't have anyone to talk to about it, and if i did i think people (at least my best friend) would stop talking to me. i have my rational side of myself understanding it was a mistake and that my guilt and actions afterwords show that, and if i knew the information before hand i wouldn't have done what i did, but the presence of the other side, is constantly tied with guilt and disgust and admission that i am infact a monster, that i am no better than the abuser before me, that i just proved my abuser right and had to right to judge them for what they did to me. my current limited vision, sees me as not being able to regain the small amount of love i had for myself. that i should just cut to the chase and punish myself for my sins.
i guess you can see this as a cry for help or just a desperate attempt to know if i'm a bad person, which makes me feel even worse feeling like i'm pleading for people to forgiven me when i have no right to be forgiven
reason why i feel this way
usually watch porn on twitter, and ended up on the part where there is a lot of videos of microcelebrities and streamers are used as material (not ai just average things they usually post) which at the time i knew was wrong and after this don't engage in that material. i assumed all these girls were above 18 because i recognized most of them, including one that i masturbated to. i saw a comment that said she was underage and didn't really believe(or want to believe) that someone would edit or post anything with someone who wasn't 18. it lingered in my mind for a bit, and i eventually needed to verify that comment, turns out she was 17. i freaked out went back to block the account forgetting to report the post and just purged my entire priv twitter. i feel like i would feel less guilty if i was able to report it, but even then i feel like such a terrible person and i can't get it off my chest

 

[BruhXDDDDD]

Yeah this shit's why I whack it to 2D lol. best not to trust other people to do the right thing and verify, especially the "whacking it to e-celebs" type. even people who post their own nudes voluntarily occasionally lie about age, so i honestly just don't trust anyone who doesn't look like/say they're over 20. saw some person who claimed they were turning 19 —> nsfw post history began over a year before. probably just trying to mention their birthday while still fitting the "teen" category, but maybe not. i'm just rambling at this point

 

[Michelstaedter]

I don't know, I guess it's the feeling of guilt that stems from depression or low self-esteem that one can have at times. I feel dirty, a bad person when I'm at my worst. In the end, I think it's relative. I've perhaps done worse things than you, and I think there are people who do horrible things in the world, acts, actions, real sins, or whatever we can call them. But that doesn't mean that if someone does something questionable, at least personally and reflectively, they justify it as such. I've never consumed as such, at least not consciously watching under-18 material. However, there's everything on the Internet. Some things can't be verified, so I've surely fallen for it, and yes, I feel dirty about it. But worse are the miserable people who, aware of their wickedness, do what they do with full intention. So I'm nothing more than an NPC who's there, programmed to be who they are. And yes, I made mistakes, but what does it matter? In the end, it's not like I can fix them. I don't want to do wrong, and my redemption, at least personally, is to die.

Sometimes when I watch anime or characters like the one you have in your avatar, I can't help but think that I've been a pervert who has seen how characters are "desecrated" in H content and such, so watching normal anime or normal characters sometimes feels weird to me, it makes me feel dirty, sick, but what can I do, I did it, at some point it was by mistake, by accident, so now, I don't torment myself anymore.