ctemourge
and by the time ur hearing this ill already b gone
- Aug 14, 2023
- 114
february 2nd 2022. i tried to overdose , it failed clearly. benzodiazepines are hard to od on apparently. that i didnt know. i had a little fentanyl too but im assuming it wasnt enough since i
1) wasnt narcanned
2) fucking alive.
after taking around 6-8 bars (still a little unsure of how much i really took) i drove to a local park , laid in my backseat of my car , locked the doors & laid down to die. i was found around an hour later due to me having my location on and i had posted a goodbye message. i would redo that in so many ways if i could but hey that was three years ago. after being driven home & basically put on fuckin suicide watch i tried to then bleed out. didnt work. so what did i do? took more xanax and tried to snort some seroquel not that it would do anything i was just desperate to die. again… didnt work. i dont think anyone in my family really thought i was trying to kill myself as i wasnt bakeracted? maybe they just thought i was high. i mean i was. but i was on a mission. within the next couple hours i had every razor , knife, boxcutter GONE out of sight and the rest of my stash flushed down the drain. nobody really talked about it or mentioned it again. in fact i think im the only one who remembers this date. i think i would be missed if i died, i think people would grieve . but i also know they would forget. they would mourn for a day or so and move on. just another death. ive seen it so many times. people who were loved and cared for die and everyone just forgets after awhile. thats why im not scared to go. people will be in pain temporarily when i die but its better than me being in pain permanently. is it selfish to think like that? im in one of the best parts of my life right now, but yet the thought of my demise just brings a smile to my face. why do i want to go when things are great? my brain is not wired to feel anything other than pain. ill feel good , i mean this past weekend was incredible. im in love. but theres a part of me that wants to ruin it all. ill leave a song attached that really resonates with how im feeling. it honestly might out my identity if anyone reads this and puts two and two together but guess what. ill deactivate this account and make a new one. nothing will change. you cannot save me. just because today is not my day to go doesnt mean that tomorrow is not.
heres the song . sorry for always complaining about how good my life is and how much i hate myself for it, im so used to having nothing healthy in my life so being treated like a human being puts me in a place ive never been before. it feels like a set up.
1) wasnt narcanned
2) fucking alive.
after taking around 6-8 bars (still a little unsure of how much i really took) i drove to a local park , laid in my backseat of my car , locked the doors & laid down to die. i was found around an hour later due to me having my location on and i had posted a goodbye message. i would redo that in so many ways if i could but hey that was three years ago. after being driven home & basically put on fuckin suicide watch i tried to then bleed out. didnt work. so what did i do? took more xanax and tried to snort some seroquel not that it would do anything i was just desperate to die. again… didnt work. i dont think anyone in my family really thought i was trying to kill myself as i wasnt bakeracted? maybe they just thought i was high. i mean i was. but i was on a mission. within the next couple hours i had every razor , knife, boxcutter GONE out of sight and the rest of my stash flushed down the drain. nobody really talked about it or mentioned it again. in fact i think im the only one who remembers this date. i think i would be missed if i died, i think people would grieve . but i also know they would forget. they would mourn for a day or so and move on. just another death. ive seen it so many times. people who were loved and cared for die and everyone just forgets after awhile. thats why im not scared to go. people will be in pain temporarily when i die but its better than me being in pain permanently. is it selfish to think like that? im in one of the best parts of my life right now, but yet the thought of my demise just brings a smile to my face. why do i want to go when things are great? my brain is not wired to feel anything other than pain. ill feel good , i mean this past weekend was incredible. im in love. but theres a part of me that wants to ruin it all. ill leave a song attached that really resonates with how im feeling. it honestly might out my identity if anyone reads this and puts two and two together but guess what. ill deactivate this account and make a new one. nothing will change. you cannot save me. just because today is not my day to go doesnt mean that tomorrow is not.
heres the song . sorry for always complaining about how good my life is and how much i hate myself for it, im so used to having nothing healthy in my life so being treated like a human being puts me in a place ive never been before. it feels like a set up.
