Venting 2 days ago

[Oyasumidanny]

i feel disappointed on myself for breaking the promise I made to my grandma two years ago of not to try to ctb, because just two days ago I try it for the first time in 2 years. I don't want to make excuses but its hard to keep going when every second of my life feels like pain and nothing else (for no reason at all) People tell me I need to change the way I think/my perspective, but I just can't. How do you change a thought that you deeply want, something you crave like dying, having peace, ending everything. All I want is to not feel pain, and that's almost all I ever feel in this life, I hate when people say I should enjoy life, because yeah I know you can enjoy it, but I don't think that little bit of joy is worth it when the negative stuff hits me so much harder than whats "normal" Why does everyone just settle for life being hard? why everyone accepts it? Why can't I just say "no, I don't want to accept it, I want to end it." They want me to accept it because they want me alive, and i don't blame them but I can't stop thinking about it. Every day, every single day I seriously think about stabbing myself, hanging myself, smashing my head until it opens, shooting myself, throwing myself off somewhere.

I don't know what to do, this is torture

 

[Pale_Rider]

Well smashing your head isn't going to help at all, but yeah I feel you too. If we are here we probably have harder lives then others is the truth.