Discussion Would your suicide represent more of a retreat/ defeat from life or, an attack? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

I suppose there are many more nuances to suicide. I don't know though. I wonder if there are two broad categories. Either an admittance of defeat- possibly understandably so too, if the odds are so stacked against us.

I think suicide also represents a defiance though. To not comply to life. I remember watching a documentary once where a psychologist said that all suicidal people were angry. I'm not so sure that's true but in part, it's certainly true of me. My want to suicide is in part driven by resentment towards life and an angered feeling that I'm not prepared to comply anymore. I suppose it's a similar question as to whether you consider suicide to be a strong or weak act.

I think we can have both elements going on of course. We may feel defeated by certain things, which then makes us defiant to keep trying. What are your thoughts/ experiences?

 

[darksouls]

I will be forced to ctb for health reasons

 

[ashendreams]

i always think of my eventual suicide as just running away from life. i always run from my problems and suicide is the most permanent way to do it. so i'd say that puts me in the "acceptance of defeat" category. its too hard so i just have to run away.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

In my case, it's always a balance sheet suicide.

That's a personal decision not dependent on other things - well totally not dependent isn't quite right but actually everything in this world depends on other factors even for the richest people currently living.

 

[whatishope]

I think in both cases, suicide is an act of strength. Dying is not easy, and going through with it is requires a lot of strength.

 

[Namelesa]

Both. For me I don't care whether I die or live an okay or happy life as I view those as equal to each other. I just don't want to suffer a bad life or be in the risk of danger which sadly I am in now so really the only reason I have to live is to provide for others at the moment. Me dying now would in a sense be a defeat from being able to provide others what I could but me dying would still also be an attack on life due to me not wanting it for myself at all and wanting the safety of death. It could also be seen as an attack on life as I would like to hurt my family for creating me with my suicide. Tho when I have provided everything I wanted to do to others, my suicide will be a full on attack on life as then I don't see any benefit of me staying alive for longer.

 

[flightless bird]

100% defeat/retreat when i focus on the narrative inside my brain. so many bad things have happened in my life, i can't even count them anymore.

and 100% an act of liberating myself when i'm not focused on my memories. you know? just breathing, wishing to dissolve into the calm.

anger... well, i'm always aware nothing out there perceives or responds to what i feel. even if i screamed in rage it would just echo in empty space. the thought alone makes me feel stupid, i mean, how cringeworthy can existence get? my brain really has rewired itself in that awareness and it just feels stupid to feel angry. most of the time i slip into this inner realm of silence, you know, wait for my awareness of the world to end. and then, well, nothing. as if i never even existed, and neither did the universe.

 

[Forveleth]

I see my suicide as merely a choice to cease living. The options above are too emotionally charged for my thought process. I am merely saying "I am done living now" with no anger, malice, or defiance behind it.

 

[dead dav]

I would see my suicide as finally giving up the fight and accepting that life has beaten me

 

[VoidButterfly]

Yeah for me it's definitely just giving up and accepting defeat. I'm done, everyone wins, just leave me be, I'm out.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

I guess defiance, if I had to choose. I never asked to be born. However, it's more just a closure. I've come to the end of this and I'm tired. Life wasn't really hard as much as it was just pointless. I guess it would've been hard if I sought to fit in.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I see it (in my case, at least) as a renunciation, without the connotation of defeat. This can be a little hard to explain, and right now I lack the motivation to try it.

 

[SmilingNoMore]

Defiance, with a bit of acceptance, but not of defeat. I believe that to ctb shows that by ending things on my terms, I do not accept (my) life, the way it is. Instead, I accept that I have to go, because I won't live like this or play by life's unfair rules. I tried, moved countries to start over or survive and now I'm in the mode of simply accepting to not accept it. Yes, I'm angry too and see suicide as a strong act.

 

[PrismHon]

Unconditional surrender! I tap! I tap!

 

[ForsakenEcho]

To me, it would feel like accepting my defeat. I like to think of myself as resilient, but sometimes life just feels too hard.

If I ever end up catching the bus, it probably means I've accepted it — and that I'm at peace with the fact that I just can't keep going anymore.

Maybe what's stopped me so far isn't hope, but just a lack of courage to actually go through with it.

 

[JesiBel]

I think it's an act of rebellion, going against norms and beliefs. It's destroying that "gift" we've been given that we don't want.

 

[usernamesarehard]

If I ctb it's because I quit. I tried, I failed, and now I just want to be done instead of dragging this shit on for another 40+ years.

 

[DTA]

I have a dream of destroying this world from the other side to stop the cycle of reincarnation. Sort of like Ishamael from Wheel of Time.
Perhaps I'm crazy. And if it could be done, wouldn't someone have done it already? Nevertheless I'm still going to try!

So I guess that makes me defiant.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

Two aspects:
1. Suicide at old age is in harmony with life, it causes a win-win situation for the world and for me.

2. Suicide driven by autassassinophilia is
self-fulfillment.

 

[Linda]

I my case it will mean that I have done all that I can reasonably expect to achieve in life, and that I have no reason to remain. So long as my husband is alive, I will have a reason to remain. It's very simple really.

 

[timechained]

Just tired of living life. Not defeated, angry, or anything like that.

Just wanting to casually and silently step off the planet...

 

[TAW122]

I don't consider it an acceptance of defeat though people from the outside observing may look at it that way. Sure, life has become unbearable and that may be partly my push towards escaping suffering, but more so I'm defying the expectation and imposition that I must continue to live and conform to mainstream society. In a sense, I see it at as victory against non-consensual conception into sentience and also avoiding possibly decades of suffering and contributing towards a system that I don't agree with.

 

[coked_pigeon]

Mostly acceptance.

But there's an element of defiance in exiting on your own terms. After all, if your life isn't yours to end it was never yours to begin with.

Some people want to make their suicide look like an accident. I understand where they're coming from. I would absolutely rather die in an accident than kill myself, but if I'm going to kill myself, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. That's probably the 'defiant' aspect leaking out - I want it to be known that I chose annihilation over this.

 

[whywere]

I will live till the quality vs quantity tilts towards quantity.

I have CNS (central nervous system) pain, and my CNS is completely messed up and deuterating more quickly as I get older.

If I did not have the finest pain doctor in the world, my opinion, I would have ctb in 2016.

I will never understand why when I meet most people, and I would ever mention suicide as a viable option for a completely messed up body they gasp in horror as if I was going to terminate the entire world or something.

When people meet me, I look great, but my CNS is so 100% cooked and then I tell them that I am on hard drugs, hydromorphone and that really send them into outer space.

So, I have 2 strikes against me, I guess.

Walter

 

[outrider567]

Defeated because of her death, that's the reason, the only reason

 

[itwillhappensoon]

For me I think it takes courage to die , I'm tired of dealing with bullshit the world throws at me

 

[moribundwhispers]

rerolling a dice

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

I see it as relief from torture that was forced upon me with no other options for existing.