I used to think so. Now, I'm not sure. I could envisage a number of things happening. The unlikely one would be that my whole attitude to life would change and I would be happy. The more likely one would be that I would retain a lot of my pessimism/ cynicism and unhappiness.
From there, I would need to decide: How much do I burden them with that? Will I feel guilty for bringing them down? From there- will they drown with me or, will they remain buoyant? To remain buoyant, they will presumably need to, in some way disassociate themselves from me. So then, it isn't sounding so much like a close relationship. So- what's the point? Do I want someone to drown with me then instead? No.
Moving on to the alternative- that I hide a large chunk of who I am from them to spare them either drowning too or becoming so overwhelmed that they disassociate.
If I happen to reveal that I do feel low, I presumably also have to pretend that they've helped- if they do try to support me. But, what if they haven't? What if nothing they do helps? Then, I'll be living a lie so as not to upset them. That would be exhausting. I like being able to express my emotions without burdening anyone with them.
They'll (likely) be of limited or no support and yet- they'll have become a huge tether here. One that I wouldn't want to hurt by CTB. So ultimately- it just sounds like a trap to me. The same goes really for forming any close connections now. I don't want more tethers here.
I just feel like a relationship would be waiting around for one another to let the other one down and- if we genuinely care about one another- all the concealment/ bluffing/ guilt we would go through during that.
I actually feel such a sense of relief being single now. Not having that other person to worry about worrying or not worrying about me. Plus, I don't look on even good relationships I've witnessed with envy. Couples are seemingly always bickering about the tinniest of things. I'm glad I'm free to make decisions for myself without all that crap.
As it happens, I'm not attractive anyway so, the chances of pulling someone would be slim regardless. It's also a relief not to have to put in effort there though too. I never enjoyed trying to look attractive.
I'm pretty lucky really that I have a vivid imagination too. I can imagine being with the most attentive, wonderful guy without the hassle of real life. I think my ideas in youth about love were very fairy tale. Maybe it can be like that at times but, the reality doesn't look to be that with the couples I've been around.
