Story Working up the nerve to ctb

[Senaphin]

My life is pretty stupid. I was abused as a child (not sexually) and grew up poor and having to move constantly. I tried to do my best in college, but that ended up not working out, again, due to poverty. Spent the next couple of years working as a salesman, one of the worst things a person could do. It was awful. Bosses constantly telling you that it's never enough no matter how much you bring in, and promotions that barely pay more and saddle you with way more responsibility. Throughout all this, close friends and family members who cared about me a lot have passed away. There's never any getting over the grief. I'm always alone. Intimacy has never been an option for me. I just wake up every day alone, work, and then go to bed by myself. Rinse and repeat for years on end, and I'm just sick of all of it. Now I've been fired and I have no way to pay my rent, and all my family and friends are tired of me and my stupid, unending problems. I suppose I can't blame them, I'm tired of me too. I live in a big city and there's a lot of tall buildings, bridges, and ledges I want to jump off of, but I can't. For some reason, whenever I look down I lose my nerve and get scared.

But I hate the feeling of being scared. I've put so much effort into this stupid life, and it's all for nothing. I want to do it so badly, but I always lose my nerve. I want to put an end to the suffering once and for all. I'm tired of the precarity and the isolation and the effort being put in for no reason. Maybe if I tried something less nerve wracking than jumping? I'm too poor to afford a gun though. Whenever I wash dishes and there's a sharp knife, I think about using one to slit my throat, but that's also going to be painful. I guess at the end of the day, I'm just a coward who can't even afford rope. What should I do?

 

[k1m]

You don't sound like a coward, you sound tough. Is there a way you can bring new friends into ur life? You sound like someone worth being friends with.

 

[Senaphin]

You don't sound like a coward, you sound tough. Is there a way you can bring new friends into ur life? You sound like someone worth being friends with.

I appreciate the sentiment. But am I really tough for having survived a lot? I feel like I'm just a thing that gets kicked around a lot. As for friends, it's really hard to make new ones in real life. I mostly interact with people through the internet.

 

[k1m]

I appreciate the sentiment. But am I really tough for having survived a lot? I feel like I'm just a thing that gets kicked around a lot. As for friends, it's really hard to make new ones in real life. I mostly interact with people through the internet.

Yeah you sound tough. Being able to put up with all the bullshit in sales and looking for jobs and stuff without ragequitting is huge. Caring about people who died instead of just becoming numb is the tough way of dealing with it. Being able to write like this in the position you're in is something most guys can't do. Maybe you're not superman or anything but you're keeping your dignity in a shitty situation, that's strong.

If you live in a big city meeting new people is ezpz. There's work friends when you find a new job (I am also job hunting it's just abt consistency), there's hobby related activities (you can sign up for a painting class or something like that), there's social events, there's the literary scene, there's a lot of different places you can meet people.

 

[OrganicCow]

My life is pretty stupid. I was abused as a child (not sexually) and grew up poor and having to move constantly. I tried to do my best in college, but that ended up not working out, again, due to poverty. Spent the next couple of years working as a salesman, one of the worst things a person could do. It was awful. Bosses constantly telling you that it's never enough no matter how much you bring in, and promotions that barely pay more and saddle you with way more responsibility. Throughout all this, close friends and family members who cared about me a lot have passed away. There's never any getting over the grief. I'm always alone. Intimacy has never been an option for me. I just wake up every day alone, work, and then go to bed by myself. Rinse and repeat for years on end, and I'm just sick of all of it. Now I've been fired and I have no way to pay my rent, and all my family and friends are tired of me and my stupid, unending problems. I suppose I can't blame them, I'm tired of me too. I live in a big city and there's a lot of tall buildings, bridges, and ledges I want to jump off of, but I can't. For some reason, whenever I look down I lose my nerve and get scared.

But I hate the feeling of being scared. I've put so much effort into this stupid life, and it's all for nothing. I want to do it so badly, but I always lose my nerve. I want to put an end to the suffering once and for all. I'm tired of the precarity and the isolation and the effort being put in for no reason. Maybe if I tried something less nerve wracking than jumping? I'm too poor to afford a gun though. Whenever I wash dishes and there's a sharp knife, I think about using one to slit my throat, but that's also going to be painful. I guess at the end of the day, I'm just a coward who can't even afford rope. What should I do?

You do not sound like a coward at all. I don't have a method for you to use just because its against my values to assist another in CTB but. I know you've got some shitty stuff going on and I dont doubt your pain at all.

 

[Senaphin]

Yeah you sound tough. Being able to put up with all the bullshit in sales and looking for jobs and stuff without ragequitting is huge. Caring about people who died instead of just becoming numb is the tough way of dealing with it. Being able to write like this in the position you're in is something most guys can't do. Maybe you're not superman or anything but you're keeping your dignity in a shitty situation, that's strong.

If you live in a big city meeting new people is ezpz. There's work friends when you find a new job (I am also job hunting it's just abt consistency), there's hobby related activities (you can sign up for a painting class or something like that), there's social events, there's the literary scene, there's a lot of different places you can meet people.

Thanks for the compliment. I still don't feel particularly tough or dignified, but maybe that's the clinical depression talking. I figured caring about the people in your life who pass away was something everyone did. Although sometimes I think about them and I think they might be ashamed of what I've become; a jobless single man who struggles to do anything at all. And you're right about making friends, but I've been unemployed for a bit now, so engaging in my hobbies is a no go. All I can think about is just how colossally screwed I am, and how I've just been that way for most of my life.

You do not sound like a coward at all. I don't have a method for you to use just because its against my values to assist another in CTB but. I know you've got some shitty stuff going on and I dont doubt your pain at all.

Thanks, but I always feel like one when I stare out at these ledges. I just took a long walk and I know where the bridges are. But whenever I look down, I can never just swallow my fear and take the plunge. I'm backed into a corner. The landlord wants his money and I won't be able to fork it over. And delaying it isn't an option. So rather than deal with the stress of another eviction, I think it'd be a lot easier for me to ctb.