Venting wishing that i could disappear tonight

[monetpompo]

i'm still on a one way train to ruining what's left of my life. people give me advice i don't listen to because i keep mulling over suicide methods for half the day. i can't hang myself because i'm a coward and i'm worried about puking/pissing/shitting while unconscious. whenever i try to hang myself now i just start gagging and i feel like i'll throw up. some days i really wish that it would work out but i can't get myself to stand off the stool. today is a night where i could do it if i really wanted to, like all nights. i could just die. i don't want tomorrow to happen. i hate waking up because i'm so scared of another day of being alone. every morning i just think about how i could've killed myself to avoid seeing the sun again. opening my eyes and seeing my meaningless room with my cute knick knacks that were supposed to make me happy just makes me want to die instead. i just don't really care. i don't really care about anything. it's hard for me to ever think that my life is going anywhere other than suicide, so it just makes me want to drop everything i plan on doing and start running towards a bridge.

i can't take this feeling anymore and i know it's insufferable. i don't feel like anyone will ever care or take me seriously until i finally die. i think that the only people willing to me hang out with me anymore in my darkest headspace would be a hookup, but i still don't think anyone would be attracted to me. i'm just not good enough in people's eyes. i'm a placeholder person even when i'm naked. the more i think about it the more it just makes sense to die at this moment in my life, because i don't know how it could get any worse. i don't want to enroll back in college. i don't want to watch the new years fireworks. if i could die at this moment by laying on the road or on train tracks, i would. it's so pathetic that i would do anything to have the chance to drop dead besides do an effective suicide method. all the non-methods like ODing or drinking ethyl gylcol seem so much easier compared to hanging. thinking and talking about my life just makes me depressed. it's all downhill. no one even likes me or wants to hang out with me. i make everyone bored, sad, or frustrated. i don't want to be a burden. i wish being suicidal meant that you could die on command.

 

[Artemus]

I get you.
My life has hit a rock bottom so low that suicide seems like a logical thing to do in my situation. I am even too tired to even try to do stuff in real life that would help towards me commiting suicide. I am doing the bare minimum to keep myself out of temporary trouble. The future gives me anxiety.

 

[monetpompo]

mornings are awful. i tried to hang myself again and backed out because i get so scared and i hate not being able to breathe. i'm nowhere close to doing a full attempt with hanging and that makes me feel like scum. there's no one for me to text because my thoughts are too heavy and it's too early in the morning. if i get close to anyone right now when i have no one i can rely on i'm just going to get anxiously attached to them and hate myself. i almost wish that someone would manipulate me and try to control everything i do because that would feel much better than existing meaninglessly and wishing that i would die every day. i feel like i deserve to be in an abusive relationship more than a real relationship because i can never be loved enough to be in a real relationship. no one would ever want to date a person like me and i don't think that i would want to date a person that's interested in me, because i think that i'm awful to talk to and be around. sometimes hearing my own voice just makes me sick of myself, because i'd rather be quiet than talk about all the stupid things that are worrying me. i have basically no personality. i forget yesterday because i fixate so much on killing myself and my own misery. i genuinely just don't want to eat any food because it all sounds inedible and nauseating to me. crying means nothing to me anymore because i do it every day.

i hate being awake and i hate not being able to go to sleep. i hate researching ways to die that i can do from inside my house because i can't leave to go anywhere. i've become a shell of my former self. i wish that i'd just died before this. i'm afraid of myself. i'm afraid of how badly i don't want to be alone. my eyes are dull and unfocused. my brain is foggy. it's muscle memory for me to stew in my isolation and misery because i feel like no one is going to love me either way.

sometimes the hanging feels good. like i have some endorphins rushing for once, because i feel so numb for most of the day. it feels gross to admit that. trying to drop down from my stool still terrifies me, but struggling while keeping one of my feet on top of my stool makes me think i'm finally receiving punishment for being a bad person. i get so nervous and scared that it feels good because i'm feeling something besides my depression. i'm worried about getting addicted to it. the sleepiness that comes from oxygen deprivation afterwards gives me a brief sense of calm. i think the isolation is making me try to seek comfort in things that hurt me. i feel like i'd let anyone do anything to me as long as they let me go out with them or be their friend, even though i'm repulsed by people at the same time. this isn't a safe headspace to be in. i wish that being unstable meant that i'm more likely to die, but suicide is still hard. i don't want to injure myself by doing a method that doesn't work but i'm so desperate to stop existing.

 

[SpencerSees]

It's easy to get addicted to self destructive things like this. Pretty sure it's the same chemical reaction as cutting. Be careful not to slip and get the veggie treatment.

Ps love your pfp