Story Will this be just a temporary, fleeting thing? What is this feeling? A confession that I may never say to a friend of mine.

[jenny6391bubbles]

Before I start, I just hope to God my friend isn't on this website. If you are and you read this, I hope you don't ctb. I'll always be here for you. It doesn't matter if you cannot give me any gifts or anything of material value. I find fancy outings boring -- watching the sun set in a park with you is already enough.

So, to begin, I just watched Fallen Angels (1995) the other day and the ending perfectly describes the emotion or feeling I have with this one friend of mine.

It all started on the last day of the first semester, where I was extremely upset because my mother who had stage 4 cancer was having a temper tantrum (she gets overwhelmed easily and I get extremely guilty when I accidentally make her feel bad) along with someone I was supposed to meet later that evening not being able to meet me because he got the dates mixed up. I guess we're all human and we make mistakes, but it sure made me feel a little sad.

I then ask my friend if he would be drinking later tonight and he said yes. I decide to tag along because I want to forget the pain of how my mother has cancer and I don't know how long she has left. To sum up what happened, we got extremely drunk and I started crying to him about how my mother had cancer and how fucking sick I was of life. After I had stopped crying, he then decides to walk me home and in doing so, we hold hands as we walk home.

And I still cannot name the emotion that I felt as he walked me home, hand in hand. But the final quote in Fallen Angels is extremely relatable to me:

"As I was leaving, I asked if he'd give me a ride home. I hadn't ridden on a motorcycle in a long time. Actually, I hadn't been that close to a man for a while. The road wasn't that long, and I knew I'd be getting off soon. But at that moment I felt such warmth."

The previous year, a bunch of other guys who dated me held my hand. One rushed me into a relationship (so I broke it off) and the other was only being affectionate to feel the thrill of dating and also to make me feel comfortable enough to lower my guard to have sex with him (so I also cut him off). This friend was the third and final guy who held my hand last year and I felt so much peace and comfort holding his hand. And if I'm being honest, I feel this connection to him that's not exactly romantic but not platonic either. I don't really care about sexual connection anymore because I've been used and hurt so much in the past (a few of my previous posts talk about this).

I just want to hold his hand again, but I'm too scared to ask for it again. I'm scared other people will misinterpret it and also read into it too much. For some reason, a lot of people try to pursue him and want to date him. But when you really get to know him, he's barely surviving life (like me, in a way). Suitors get upset over how he seems detached and unresponsive at times, but how can you expect someone who barely has it together to prioritize dating and the like over just surviving life?

I've hung out with him a bit since then because I'll be graduating this year and I also want to hang out with him (along with other friends) before I leave university. To be honest, I want to hang out with him more the most because he apologized while drunk for not being able to hang out with me (and other friends) as much the past few years. I can't really get mad at him because a lot has been happening in his life.

I guess to end this post or confession, I just want us to have the comfort we desperately need in life because it's not exactly being nice to us right now. And since I'm a little lonely and selfish, I want to hold his hand again.

That's all, haha. Thanks for listening to me ramble. If any of you can name the emotion or emotions I feel, that would be very helpful.

 

[wondering&wandering]

At its core the feeling you're describing (I believe) is love. And not romantic love (though, depending who you ask, some might say hand-holding qualifies as romantic love, though I wouldn't necessarily say so), but rather a friendship or maybe even agape (selfless) love: to care for someone who cares about you; to hold someone who holds you back because they love you and want you to feel loved; to be known fully both for the good and bad that dwells in you, and to be accepted all the same; to be loved.

It's a good feeling to desire, and even better feeling to experience. While this can definitely be just a friendship, I'd say often the whole "being fully known and held" thing tends to create the overlapping space of romantic love to come into play (for better and worse as it accentuates the experience, yet also lends to possible misunderstandings as well as commitment issues).

I hope you can experience this feeling again because it's truly a great feeling. And if there ever comes a time that the person making you feel that hurts you or goes away, I hope you don't let that crush you because there are mote people out there who can make you feel that way. And if I may, I'd personally advocate that feeling of agape love also comes from having a relationship with Jesus. :)

Best of luck to you; nice to see you around again; and I hope and pray life gets better for you!

 

[whatisaholemadeof]

Before I start, I just hope to God my friend isn't on this website. If you are and you read this, I hope you don't ctb. I'll always be here for you. It doesn't matter if you cannot give me any gifts or anything of material value. I find fancy outings boring -- watching the sun set in a park with you is already enough.

So, to begin, I just watched Fallen Angels (1995) the other day and the ending perfectly describes the emotion or feeling I have with this one friend of mine.

It all started on the last day of the first semester, where I was extremely upset because my mother who had stage 4 cancer was having a temper tantrum (she gets overwhelmed easily and I get extremely guilty when I accidentally make her feel bad) along with someone I was supposed to meet later that evening not being able to meet me because he got the dates mixed up. I guess we're all human and we make mistakes, but it sure made me feel a little sad.

I then ask my friend if he would be drinking later tonight and he said yes. I decide to tag along because I want to forget the pain of how my mother has cancer and I don't know how long she has left. To sum up what happened, we got extremely drunk and I started crying to him about how my mother had cancer and how fucking sick I was of life. After I had stopped crying, he then decides to walk me home and in doing so, we hold hands as we walk home.

And I still cannot name the emotion that I felt as he walked me home, hand in hand. But the final quote in Fallen Angels is extremely relatable to me:



The previous year, a bunch of other guys who dated me held my hand. One rushed me into a relationship (so I broke it off) and the other was only being affectionate to feel the thrill of dating and also to make me feel comfortable enough to lower my guard to have sex with him (so I also cut him off). This friend was the third and final guy who held my hand last year and I felt so much peace and comfort holding his hand. And if I'm being honest, I feel this connection to him that's not exactly romantic but not platonic either. I don't really care about sexual connection anymore because I've been used and hurt so much in the past (a few of my previous posts talk about this).

I just want to hold his hand again, but I'm too scared to ask for it again. I'm scared other people will misinterpret it and also read into it too much. For some reason, a lot of people try to pursue him and want to date him. But when you really get to know him, he's barely surviving life (like me, in a way). Suitors get upset over how he seems detached and unresponsive at times, but how can you expect someone who barely has it together to prioritize dating and the like over just surviving life?

I've hung out with him a bit since then because I'll be graduating this year and I also want to hang out with him (along with other friends) before I leave university. To be honest, I want to hang out with him more the most because he apologized while drunk for not being able to hang out with me (and other friends) as much the past few years. I can't really get mad at him because a lot has been happening in his life.

I guess to end this post or confession, I just want us to have the comfort we desperately need in life because it's not exactly being nice to us right now. And since I'm a little lonely and selfish, I want to hold his hand again.

That's all, haha. Thanks for listening to me ramble. If any of you can name the emotion or emotions I feel, that would be very helpful.

I can't definitively name anything but I consistently feel a similar way, towards a couple people in my life. Wanting to kiss a friend(anywhere but the lips) but not necessarily wanting a relationship with them, the label not really mattering to me. Wanting to hold them but not wanting other people to misinterpret things. Holding them and not wanting people to tell me I'm naive for not sensing the "ulterior motives." It's hard to imagine a clear future. I'm also not interested in sexual connection.

Queerplatonic relationships may fit what you're looking for in terms of naming what it means to you. But I haven't entirely found comfort in this either. It describes the nature of the relationship but not the underlying feeling. There's alterous attraction, probably. I'm not someone who likes labels, but you may find them helpful. These are more discussed in the asexual/aromantic communities.

I'm scared, maybe, to come to terms with my own selfish, lonely feelings. It gets weird when you're not in a clear territory, in this ambiguity between romantic and platonic. There's a meme showing that they lead to the same outcome: "loving them fundamentally as a person."

I've never really understood what this feeling is.

I am glad for you, that you have this connection with your friend.

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

I can't definitively name anything but I consistently feel a similar way, towards a couple people in my life. Wanting to kiss a friend(anywhere but the lips) but not necessarily wanting a relationship with them, the label not really mattering to me. Wanting to hold them but not wanting other people to misinterpret things. Holding them and not wanting people to tell me I'm naive for not sensing the "ulterior motives." It's hard to imagine a clear future. I'm also not interested in sexual connection.

Queerplatonic relationships may fit what you're looking for in terms of naming what it means to you. But I haven't entirely found comfort in this either. It describes the nature of the relationship but not the underlying feeling. There's alterous attraction, probably. I'm not someone who likes labels, but you may find them helpful. These are more discussed in the asexual/aromantic communities.

I'm scared, maybe, to come to terms with my own selfish, lonely feelings. It gets weird when you're not in a clear territory, in this ambiguity between romantic and platonic. There's a meme showing that they lead to the same outcome: "loving them fundamentally as a person."

I've never really understood what this feeling is.

I am glad for you, that you have this connection with your friend.

I consulted a friend in a qpr and alterous attraction does seem to be the closest thing to what I feel for my friend. I would be okay with having a qpr with my friend if that's what they believe is best also.

And I guess I do love them fundamentally as a person. I've always tried to check if they would eat on time or sleep enough. Now, I just want to be there for them as much as I can. I don't really want to think if it's romantic or platonic or whatever, I kind of just want to make sure they're safe and they're cared for. I don't want to put expectations on them like what other people who've liked them romantically have done before.

Another friend told me to never let go of this friend as much as possible because friends like them are rare and I guess one-of-a-kind as well. I do know they might have to travel elsewhere to work because work opportunities are awful in my country. I want to hope that we'll still keep in touch by then if nothing happens between us.

 

[whatisaholemadeof]

I consulted a friend in a qpr and alterous attraction does seem to be the closest thing to what I feel for my friend. I would be okay with having a qpr with my friend if that's what they believe is best also.

And I guess I do love them fundamentally as a person. I've always tried to check if they would eat on time or sleep enough. Now, I just want to be there for them as much as I can. I don't really want to think if it's romantic or platonic or whatever, I kind of just want to make sure they're safe and they're cared for. I don't want to put expectations on them like what other people who've liked them romantically have done before.

Another friend told me to never let go of this friend as much as possible because friends like them are rare and I guess one-of-a-kind as well. I do know they might have to travel elsewhere to work because work opportunities are awful in my country. I want to hope that we'll still keep in touch by then if nothing happens between us.

I think your feelings are understandable. Hope you can still keep in touch with this person even if they travel. I wish you all the best :-)