iloveyouihateyou
probably die before it hurts
- Oct 23, 2024
- 117
i've been trying to find likeminded people in the world and i've come to realize that, i don't think that exists. it doesn't exist for someone like me. like there's no place in the whole wide world where i can ever be understood.
like online (minus here) and offline like i feel like i've met 100s of people, i've been even open about how i truly feel, like how suicidal i am everyday, how i've felt this way for over a decade now, and i'm glad thst i'm able to express myself to others and that's good and all but i've come to realize how different i am from seemingly everyone i meet.
it's crazy the different level i'm on, in terms of how i feel and how i act and talk because of what i've experienced. like i'm so traumatized i'm so hurt from all these years of being alive and it's crazy to me that some people can actually be happy in this life. like it's crazy to me how some people will never feel what i feel or even understand how i feel.
words can't describe how terrible i feel like there isn't even a word that exists that can describe how horrible i feel, like horrible isn't enough, depressed isn't enough, suicidal isn't enough. i can't express to others how badly it hurts despite everything like people don't understand how difficult everyday is people can't understand it like some people can't even begin to understand it and they never will.
and good for them honestly, i'm glad not everyone in this life needs to suffer as i do but holy fuck i just can't take it i feel so lonely even though people talk to me, and people compliment me, and people like hearing from me it's so fucked up like it feels like absolutely nothing to me because it could never cover this hole in my soul literally i'm so fucking dead inside people don't understand and it's been driving me crazy looking for understanding, looking for a place to be, looking for people who can make me feel better.
make me feel better the way everyone says friends and family do, make me feel better the way it works for everyone else. like it's hard to believe that people can recieve some words of assurance and it quells their fears and doubts about everything, it's so crazy to me like they're so lucky..
maybe my problems are just too much, or hell not even maybe, they are because i literally can never feel good ever from anything like all the drugs i do they don't even make me feel better, underneath being fucked up is just sadness endless sadness, and it's not even sadness at this point it's just emptiness, i feel so dead inside i can't even believe that i'm able to function at all, i'm just so numb to everything now like things don't hurt like they used to but i wish they did to be honest because, atleast when it hurt it showed that things mattered to me but nowadays nothing matters.
nothing matters to me at all like this whole planet and all it's issues, it doesn't surprise me anymore. it doesn't make raise an eyebrow, this world is just so fucked up, it makes me feel nothing. nothing can compare to the hurting i feel on a daily basis, nothing can compare to the level fo suffering i'm in like truly the only way i could ever express to anyone how badly it fucking hurts inside is to blow my fucking head off in front of them and maybe, maybe they'd finally fucking get it lol, maybe.
it's crazy, like even in an attempt to "get better" and get out there more, i tried so hard,, i tried so hard and sure i have people to talk to now, and i don't dislike any of them but honestly i've only come to realize how small of a % i'm in, like everyone is doing okay everyone has something going for them everyone has hope for a better life, except me.
it's so fucking disappointing, i can't believe this, i'll never recover from how i feel i think i'm just so deep in this bottomless pit, there is no way out other than dying for me, it's so fucking sad like what's the point at all. i don't think there is one
like online (minus here) and offline like i feel like i've met 100s of people, i've been even open about how i truly feel, like how suicidal i am everyday, how i've felt this way for over a decade now, and i'm glad thst i'm able to express myself to others and that's good and all but i've come to realize how different i am from seemingly everyone i meet.
it's crazy the different level i'm on, in terms of how i feel and how i act and talk because of what i've experienced. like i'm so traumatized i'm so hurt from all these years of being alive and it's crazy to me that some people can actually be happy in this life. like it's crazy to me how some people will never feel what i feel or even understand how i feel.
words can't describe how terrible i feel like there isn't even a word that exists that can describe how horrible i feel, like horrible isn't enough, depressed isn't enough, suicidal isn't enough. i can't express to others how badly it hurts despite everything like people don't understand how difficult everyday is people can't understand it like some people can't even begin to understand it and they never will.
and good for them honestly, i'm glad not everyone in this life needs to suffer as i do but holy fuck i just can't take it i feel so lonely even though people talk to me, and people compliment me, and people like hearing from me it's so fucked up like it feels like absolutely nothing to me because it could never cover this hole in my soul literally i'm so fucking dead inside people don't understand and it's been driving me crazy looking for understanding, looking for a place to be, looking for people who can make me feel better.
make me feel better the way everyone says friends and family do, make me feel better the way it works for everyone else. like it's hard to believe that people can recieve some words of assurance and it quells their fears and doubts about everything, it's so crazy to me like they're so lucky..
maybe my problems are just too much, or hell not even maybe, they are because i literally can never feel good ever from anything like all the drugs i do they don't even make me feel better, underneath being fucked up is just sadness endless sadness, and it's not even sadness at this point it's just emptiness, i feel so dead inside i can't even believe that i'm able to function at all, i'm just so numb to everything now like things don't hurt like they used to but i wish they did to be honest because, atleast when it hurt it showed that things mattered to me but nowadays nothing matters.
nothing matters to me at all like this whole planet and all it's issues, it doesn't surprise me anymore. it doesn't make raise an eyebrow, this world is just so fucked up, it makes me feel nothing. nothing can compare to the hurting i feel on a daily basis, nothing can compare to the level fo suffering i'm in like truly the only way i could ever express to anyone how badly it fucking hurts inside is to blow my fucking head off in front of them and maybe, maybe they'd finally fucking get it lol, maybe.
it's crazy, like even in an attempt to "get better" and get out there more, i tried so hard,, i tried so hard and sure i have people to talk to now, and i don't dislike any of them but honestly i've only come to realize how small of a % i'm in, like everyone is doing okay everyone has something going for them everyone has hope for a better life, except me.
it's so fucking disappointing, i can't believe this, i'll never recover from how i feel i think i'm just so deep in this bottomless pit, there is no way out other than dying for me, it's so fucking sad like what's the point at all. i don't think there is one
