That's just it, I'm attracted to my own gender and petrified of catching a disease. So with those reasons negated, I'd hoped it'd be easier to go. Yet, something still forces me to hang on.
Almost seems ironic...acting against the primal would almost suggest a higher stage of evolutionary and cognitive development. Yet that advancement can only logically cry out for self-destruction.
The tsunami metaphor is very apropos. Drowning on a daily basis, dying again and again. Yet the lights are often piecemeal, and I'm never sure if they're random one-offs or part of a larger emerging whole.
You're not a coward. It's completely normal and ok to be afraid of dying. It's just a natural human instinct as our bodies main focus is to keep us alive and prolong our life as much as possible. Drowning is a pretty brutal and uncomfortable method so I don't think it's the best method to choose if you struggle a lot with survival instincts.
Thank you, sometimes my emotions swell up in the moment I feel if I don't seize the opportunity for death immediately my strength will subside and the survival insticts take over again. Being readily accessible, the ocean seemed like something I'd hoped to force myself into but then the "what if you botch it?" and all the accompanying worries flooded in.
