For me, personally:
I have a deep fear that it won't be painless or controlled. That I will get something wrong, or not anticipate something, and end up with my last moments being maddening. Rationally I know that shouldn't matter - assuming I botch it completely, even thirty minutes to an hour of intense suffering will pass and I'll be free. But it does matter to me on an animal level, it terrifies me, like drowning and self-immolation.
I watched a bunch of videos to prepare for it and most of them don't look peaceful, I know that doesn't mean that they aren't. Appearances are deceiving, you could be moving but be out cold, or appear asleep but in extreme pain. And you never really know how many of these videos are legit.
One guy, who appeared to be busy with auto-erotic asphyxiation, looked - not necessarily peaceful - but it happened before he even realized it, and that counts as peaceful to me. That was partial.
Another guy, deliberately did full, he didn't struggle at all. It looks like he eased himself into the loop to the point of black-out so he was already out when he dropped.
All the others looked painful to me though, even if I can argue rationally that they shouldn't be.
I know, according to new and old studies I found, that it should be very quick and painless. Insane pressure cuts off the blood flow to your brain (which I know feels good) and you should black out quickly, but I've not tested the blacking out enough to trust it and it requires specific conditions to test.
All DIY exits carry risk because you don't have people assisting you to make sure everything goes to plan. Even professional executions were historically, and are still today, a variable experience - they always end in fatality, but the process to it varies. Professional euthanasia is best, but you need to live in specific countries to access that. You can recreate it at home if you live in a country were you have easy-enough access to certain chemicals, but you need to be damn sure you know what you're doing.
Sometimes I get fucking envious of the people living in places like the Netherlands. There have been a few cases similar to mine, with less co-morbid conditions than I have, that were approved for euthanasia. (Mainly Jolanda Fun - but there were others)
Why do they get to go peacefully with dignity and I don't? Just because of where they were born. But I have to do this fucking shit. It pisses me off. Fuck humans - I hope the motherfuckers bomb each other to death. I hope they suffer.
