why do i feel so alone if im not? am i ungrateful?

[jamesies]

my friend drove to my apartment yesterday wearing a santa costume, he gave me some presents, a moth necklace, a puffin plushie (my favorite bird), a real centipede in resin, a fidget toy. it was so sweet. my friends really do care for me

so why do i feel so alone? they care, but they dont "get" me. i don't feel like i belong in this friend group of normal, well-adjusted guys. i feel so horribly selfish and greedy, because i find it so hard to reciprocate what's given to me. i like to consider myself a well of empathy and i try my best to support people as best as i can, but im the supported one here, the one people have to keep an eye on. i want to get them all gifts but im broke and so so exhausted between all of my mental health struggles alongside my narcolepsy/idiopathic hypersomnia (sleep doc hasnt come to a conclusion), that i feel like getting out of bed is impossible. even just replying to messages feels impossible. i feel like a leech and it aggravates me being seen as someone who even needs peoples sympathy in the first place

 

[Chemi]

I get it. depression is such a bitch. It's like there's this invisible wall and you can see the love on the other side, but it doesn't quite reach you. makes you feel like you don't fit with the "normal" people, like you're just the broken one dragging everyone down. That's the depression lying to you, not the truth.

You're just wiped out from all the mental shit plus the narcolepsy/hypersomnia, so some days just getting out of bed or answering a text is a tough ask. That doesn't make you a leech, in my opinion. It makes you someone going through hell who needs a little extra support and leeway right now, and that's okay. Your friends aren't keeping score. I bet they are just happy to have you around. If you've always been the empathetic one, the one who shows up for your friends, I guess it's now your turn to let them show up for you. You don't have to earn it.

Also, if you are still worried about the gifts, I am sure they understand the situation. If you have some leftover energy, maybe write or draw something nice for them to show how much you appreciate them, even though you have problems showing it right now. Usually works well for me when I am broke.

 

[Gangrel]

Support isn't a transaction where you have to give back equally at all times, sometimes you're the one being held up, and that doesn't cancel out your empathy or your worth. So don't worry about that.

 

[jamesies]

Support isn't a transaction where you have to give back equally at all times, sometimes you're the one being held up, and that doesn't cancel out your empathy or your worth. So don't worry about that.

see, i agree with this wholeheartedly, its just a standard i dont apply to myself. im a lot more kind and understanding with others but not with myself, its really unfortunate

If you have some leftover energy, maybe write or draw something nice for them to show how much you appreciate them, even though you have problems showing it right now. Usually works well for me when I am broke.

i think this is what ill try doing, i really like arts and crafts and i like to put together heartfelt stuff for people, i just have to find the energy

 

[Gangrel]

see, i agree with this wholeheartedly, its just a standard i dont apply to myself. im a lot more kind and understanding with others but not with myself, its really unfortunate

I understand, i feel like it's common for people to give grace to others but not themselves.

 

[underairpressure]

I struggle a lot with the same feeling, I have people who care and love me but I feel INTENSELY isolated. I really think it comes down to you (and me) having some kind of need that isn't being met just by love/care. Like....... if you're both hungry and thirsty, and someone gives you lots of food, that's wonderful but the need for water still hasn't been met. Still being thirsty doesn't mean you're not grateful you got food, if that make sense.

The real questions are WHAT exactly that unmet need is, and how to get it.......... for me, it's the "how" part I'm completely stuck on.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Your feelings sound like what I think everyone truly experiences inside if they're preceptive enough.