Discussion Why are you here/What is your problem?

[The Disqualified]

Why are you on this site? Lurking among the suicidal and the rejects? What is wrong?
In my case a lot of things, mainly social anxiety, depression and its consequences.
Feel free to write something specific if you wish.

 

[Pepper]

Mental illness caused by abuse/trauma, and physical illness that is contributing to financial problems (at the moment).

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Voted for everything but physical illness. I've lived an awful life and I'm in absolute horror of myself. I seem to be stuck at "cognitive deconstruction." The impulsivity and pain tolerance to take my life isn't there so I rot and post here.

Easiest place in the world to get a gun and I'm too afraid to do it. My only relief is thinking of partial hanging but that shit just doesn't work. Except for celebrities. That's giving me hope right now.

 

[Cyc]

Trauma from being sexually abused from the ages of 10-13, growing up with emotionally abusive parents and a physically abusive depressed and suicidal mother, being a carer for my grandparent and younger sibling, being diagnosed and living with depression, unmedicated adhd, autism, chronic migraines, severe anaemia and random joint pain, being in an abusive relationship for over a year where i got raped and SA'd multiple times and my life was basically monitored 24/7, as well as being SA'd multiple times by other people since then and getting choked by my last ex boyfriend when he was drunk

 

[ewlife]

Never ending cyclical depression. Yes it gets better, but it always gets worse again.

 

[schoolgirlbyosamu]

I've wanted to kill myself since I was 9 years old and mental illness has ruined me in more ways I ever thought possible. All my other reasons, they're mostly just me understanding the deeper meaning to my own decision, the one I made so long ago.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me existence itself is the true problem and it's just so terrible how humans cause all this harm, suffering and torture by imposing this existence at all with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, in this existence so dreadful and cruel non-existence is just all I see as positive, existence to me is just the most dreadful, terrible mistake that just tortures existing beings and for me every second is torture to exist.

To me existence is the most torturous deeply undesirable abomination that just causes harm and for me ceasing to exist would be the positive solution to finally find peace from the pain, cruelty and suffering of existing, I just want this existence to be all gone, forgotten and erased for me. I just find it horrific how the torture of existing can continue for decades longer just for one to be tortured by old age, to me existence could never be worth it rather all I want is to erase this existence, I want it to be like I never suffered at all, to me the existence of life will always be the most terrible devastating tragedy.

 

[isthisit?]

I used to plan my ctb here. Life got better for me and now I just lurk here and check up on my friend here.

 

[Razboinik]

Philosophical/existential. All my life i was rebelious, class clown, lived for the thrill of risks. I then one day found out too early in my youth the depressing reality that was awaiting me after i would be finishing middle school. I was never good at school let alone interested. I was a rogue free spirit at heart.

This of course lead to depression, i became distant from my friends. I turned from the class clown to the silent kid. I got so much shit from my teachers telling me how serious my situation is and that i'm failing. It felt like they were proud of finally putting me in my place.

I said fuck em and quit middle school. This entered the darkest period of my life, and i knew it was either death or to try. So after a few years of dwelling in my bedroom all day and going through pure mental agony, i did it. i went against my nature, and suffered through 3 more years of high school while getting bullied because i was trying to make a future for myself.

After that, leading to my current status i became an apprentice as a railway electrician. I wanted to move out ASAP, afterall i'm independent at heart. I didn't want to spend one more year being bossed around at the school bench.

Turns out i entered a door with only one knob. I didn't think this far ahead. Apparently I hate working here. I hate the people, and i hate the work. But it's too late now i picked a path and there is no return, and no future.

Now i feel angry. I feel scammed, and i regret not killing myself in middle school. All that unneccessary pain could've been avoided. Call me lazy, but i'm no slave.

 

[darksouls]

isolation, I have no social contacts, plan my exit in the near future, still looking for a compatible ctb partner

 

[Passenger4224]

Here because I am getting ready for my exit. Of anyone in the world I could have been, why do I have to be me? I don't want to live knowing I was born to be such a loser.

And the world really sucks too.

And I will never be able to fall in love / get married because I was born in the wrong body. No point in living if I'm going to be single forever.

 

[stopMotionSickness]

I've always been pretty depressive and avoidant, and I do that thing where I get these waves of depression and self-isolate because I don't feel it's safe or fair to burden anyone I know about it (especially considering I don't really want/need/can use actual solutions, I just feel like crap most of the time).
Recently I've been on a real bad outage where ctb has been the one and only thing I could think on, which, combined with anxiety about being seen as "suicidal" by people irl, has kinda pushed me into a pit I'm struggling to climb out of.
Camus had a good point in my mind, where we can acknowledge that to live is to suffer, but that just makes for a reason to collaborate against the absurd world out of a sense of comradery. The experiences and feelings I'm reading here make me feel just a little more human, which is a bit of a new concept for me; but for once I'm feeling the freedom of not having to hide my outlook as hard as possible whenever I speak.

 

[Defenestration]

Mental illness

 

[Spectre2]

Searching for suicide methods

 

[Defenestration]

Recherche de méthodes de suicide

Yes the same thing...but its hard

 

[The Disqualified]

I've wanted to kill myself since I was 9 years old and mental illness has ruined me in more ways I ever thought possible. All my other reasons, they're mostly just me understanding the deeper meaning to my own decision, the one I made so long ago.

I feel sorry for you. I first thought of suicide at around 12. I've always felt it as an inevitable fate for someone like myself.

My name is a reference to Dazai Osamu as well.

I've always been pretty depressive and avoidant, and I do that thing where I get these waves of depression and self-isolate because I don't feel it's safe or fair to burden anyone I know about it (especially considering I don't really want/need/can use actual solutions, I just feel like crap most of the time).
Recently I've been on a real bad outage where ctb has been the one and only thing I could think on, which, combined with anxiety about being seen as "suicidal" by people irl, has kinda pushed me into a pit I'm struggling to climb out of.
Camus had a good point in my mind, where we can acknowledge that to live is to suffer, but that just makes for a reason to collaborate against the absurd world out of a sense of comradery. The experiences and feelings I'm reading here make me feel just a little more human, which is a bit of a new concept for me; but for once I'm feeling the freedom of not having to hide my outlook as hard as possible whenever I speak.

I really feel like this site is the only place I can be myself in a way I never could in real life. It would be reputational suicide. My depression is a constant background but sometimes it gets even worse and all I think about is suicide all day. These last few days I have just being bulldozing through life but this is a topic for another thread. I read Camus myth of Sisyphus many years ago, didn't understand that much, but liked the rebellion aspect he touched upon.

Here because I am getting ready for my exit. Of anyone in the world I could have been, why do I have to be me? I don't want to live knowing I was born to be such a loser.

And the world really sucks too.

And I will never be able to fall in love / get married because I was born in the wrong body. No point in living if I'm going to be single forever.

You were born in the wrong body? Like trans?
I am a cis man, but also see my future as single. I really cannot connect with people despite my clowning and society is brutal to men like myself, have to mask all the time.

 

[raineen]

everything is wrong and i... i dont think i can stop the cycle of shit going wrong that always happens, it doesn't matter what i acquire in life, what friends i make, who i meet, if i'm dating someone or not, if 'm currently in a high paying job or not, it's all so fucking wrong and i hate it.

i feel like i have finally found peace! and then something terrible happens again, or my past comes to haunt me, and i give up again, nothing ever changes.

and that's why i'm here, i figure i can either find out a way to do it quickly where i live and/or meet people that i feel like could understand me at least a little bit.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Life is trash , remove the dopamine from the brain and this whole charade has no point. Idc that I'm human and that I should accept it or something, don't care for the robotic ass responses people give; life. is. trash. rape planet, violence planet, infinite suffering planet.

Nothing good to see around here so I plan to not stick out for longer, not sure how (actually I am sure how) and when but I'll check out eventually. This shitty game is not worth playing.

 

[Topaz111]

Physical illnesses are getting worse and worse, nothing is helping, meds stopped working, doctors are out of ideas.. they just tell me to "stress less". I can't. It broke me, I went through so many horrible, traumatizing things in my life, but the past year or so has been so much and this body and mind can no longer take it. Right now I vent out my feelings, try my best to comfort others in their suffering, maybe seek some connections to feel at least a little bit less alone in it all, I am planning my method too. I don't know when I will CTB, but it is becoming increasingly clear I will have to take matters into my own hands..

 

[Cauliflour]

good question. I don't even know anymore...

 

[volpone]

Worthlessness and hopelessness

 

[thefarter]

got doxed. impossible to live past :3c yaaaaay!!!!

 

[schoolgirlbyosamu]

I feel sorry for you. I first thought of suicide at around 12. I've always felt it as an inevitable fate for someone like myself.

My name is a reference to Dazai Osamu as well.

I would argue Osamu Dazai's novels have been the only thing that have kept me alive the past 6 years since I've found him. It's nice to see another friendly face. I have nearly every one of his books now, one of my last accomplishments I wanted to achieve before I go myself.

I appreciate the kind words. I do think, on some level, a portion of humans have a nature for this sort of thing. I know at the very least, I do. A pull towards suicide from the very beginning. It's nice to know I'm not alone, that others have found themselves with a similar inclinations.

 

[witchcraft]

I would argue Osamu Dazai's novels have been the only thing that have kept me alive the past 6 years since I've found him. It's nice to see another friendly face. I have nearly every one of his books now, one of my last accomplishments I wanted to achieve before I go myself.

I appreciate the kind words. I do think, on some level, a portion of humans have a nature for this sort of thing. I know at the very least, I do. A pull towards suicide from the very beginning. It's nice to know I'm not alone, that others have found themselves with a similar inclinations.

I've thought about reading Dazai's novels since coming across them in a random mobile game.

But I'm always worried if stuff like that is going to make me feel worse or better.

 

[hurb]

Aggressively unlucky with chronic depression. At some point the warrior realises the war is alrdy over, alrdy lost. And stops fighting

 

[schoolgirlbyosamu]

I've thought about reading Dazai's novels since coming across them in a random mobile game.

But I'm always worried if stuff like that is going to make me feel worse or better.

Depends on what story you read. I felt that reading No Longer Human was very comforting, and he's written quite a few stories detailing exactly how he attempted. It reminds me very much of this site.

I would recommend them, with caution of course! Don't push yourself, but it's nice to see some similar sentiments I've felt about the world reflected back at me so beautifully. I could talk about Osamu Dazai for hours.

 

[Passenger4224]

I feel sorry for you. I first thought of suicide at around 12. I've always felt it as an inevitable fate for someone like myself.

My name is a reference to Dazai Osamu as well.

I really feel like this site is the only place I can be myself in a way I never could in real life. It would be reputational suicide. My depression is a constant background but sometimes it gets even worse and all I think about is suicide all day. These last few days I have just being bulldozing through life but this is a topic for another thread. I read Camus myth of Sisyphus many years ago, didn't understand that much, but liked the rebellion aspect he touched upon.

You were born in the wrong body? Like trans?
I am a cis man, but also see my future as single. I really cannot connect with people despite my clowning and society is brutal to men like myself, have to mask all the time.

I'm a male but I strongly believe I was supposed to be female.

I don't consider myself to be trans since I won't live long enough to actually transition

 

[xterii]

hi first post
ive lurked on this site for a while now and have only recently made an account for some reason

i tried to ctb an uncountable number of times, came so close in 2025. im ready to try again and succeed this time. immense trauma, dysfunction, constant mental health issues of mdd + schizoaffective, bipolar, cptsd, etc. - and not to mention a raging ed and substance abuse issues that have landed me in the hospital time and time again. im so tired; society and the world are such a joke and living is fruitless.

jumping from one dead end job to another (to pay to exist in a life i didnt want) after being kicked out of college, fried my brain with substances and live in a constant, tiring cycle of fighting with my own mind and body

so in conclusion, a majority of the options in the poll above

 

[ppyppyppy]

Failure to launch.

 

[The Disqualified]

I've thought about reading Dazai's novels since coming across them in a random mobile game.

But I'm always worried if stuff like that is going to make me feel worse or better.

I read No Longer Human and really related. I don't regret it.

Depends on what story you read. I felt that reading No Longer Human was very comforting, and he's written quite a few stories detailing exactly how he attempted. It reminds me very much of this site.

I would recommend them, with caution of course! Don't push yourself, but it's nice to see some similar sentiments I've felt about the world reflected back at me so beautifully. I could talk about Osamu Dazai for hours.

I am thinking of reading The Setting Sun next. Feel free to talk to me about Dazai if you wish. His book was interesting in a way I never related to before.