Venting where the fuck is the help

[mymarbles]

i'm tired of waiting. so fucking tired. i tried so hard to make it through university with growing cognitive decline, loss of words, inability to articulate myself, can't engage in conversation because i feel so demented. my thoughts come in such small fragments it's disturbingly straining to piece thoughts into words, words into sentences, etc, all while sounding coherent. i'm losing so many words i can no longer communicate my struggles properly. english is my first and only language but it feels more like a second or third language. i reached to my universities clinic and asked about a psychoeducational evaluation because what i am capable of academically right now is such a tiny, tiny fraction of what i used to be. and it's only progressed worse. my last attempt in may left me in the icu for some time and i was not referred to any kind of help or ward after regaining consciousness. just discharged and sent home. the university doctor told me he would not be referring ne to the university psychiatrist. i contacted e-visit doctor and they said "so, you had your follow up with psychiatry since the icu, right?" no, i was given nothing, from no one, and the e-visit doctor would not refer me to anyone because "the hospital wouls have done that" and she ended rhe session before i could articulate anything. but it's unnerving that i'm gradually losing my ability to think, to converse, to do absolutely anything and am given no help. i've reiterated to my university doctor that i am in SIX years of undergrad and failing. that i've tried killing my self and still struggling worse. genuinely what else can i possibly fucking do?? i'm in despair. i don't plan on a future because my cognition has only ever declined and i have been denied and denied and denied any kind of psychiatric or neurological help, i'm in canada ffs, it's frustrating that people assume there's no effort from your own end.

i'm tired of waiting. so fucking tired. i tried so hard to make it through university with growing cognitive decline, loss of words, inability to articulate myself, can't engage in conversation because i feel so demented. my thoughts come in such small fragments it's disturbingly straining to piece thoughts into words, words into sentences, etc, all while sounding coherent. i'm losing so many words i can no longer communicate my struggles properly. english is my first and only language but it feels more like a second or third language. i reached to my universities clinic and asked about a psychoeducational evaluation because what i am capable of academically right now is such a tiny, tiny fraction of what i used to be. and it's only progressed worse. my last attempt in may left me in the icu for some time and i was not referred to any kind of help or ward after regaining consciousness. just discharged and sent home. the university doctor told me he would not be referring ne to the university psychiatrist. i contacted e-visit doctor and they said "so, you had your follow up with psychiatry since the icu, right?" no, i was given nothing, from no one, and the e-visit doctor would not refer me to anyone because "the hospital wouls have done that" and she ended rhe session before i could articulate anything. but it's unnerving that i'm gradually losing my ability to think, to converse, to do absolutely anything and am given no help. i've reiterated to my university doctor that i am in SIX years of undergrad and failing. that i've tried killing my self and still struggling worse. genuinely what else can i possibly fucking do?? i'm in despair. i don't plan on a future because my cognition has only ever declined and i have been denied and denied and denied any kind of psychiatric or neurological help, i'm in canada ffs, it's frustrating that people assume there's no effort from your own end.

is it realistic to try severing your own cartetoid arteries? i'm really good at restricting blood flow until it feels things are going to pop (i started doing this long after significant cognitive decline) but if i can i really want something to happen where it can look like some accident/medical happening. rn i have 10k+ g of what almost worked last time (when i used ~4k g) but i do prioritize it not looking like a suicide to everyone else. i'm just tired and am losing the ability to communicate/think and can't be bothered to articulate myself anymore anyway.